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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner no bio children of his own-anybody the same?

44 replies

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 00:29

Hi all
Love finding out more about blended families ☺ Just wondering if any of you are similar to us in that whilst I have two children (8 and 11), fiance has no biological children of his own. We have my boys for half of the time as I share custody with my ex. Fiance was married previously and they did very much want children, but sadly his ex wife was not able to carry 😢
I know deep down my fiance would love a child of his own but I'm 38 and we are not in a financial position for this to be viable unfortunately.
He's an amazing role model to my kids and I feel very fortunate that he is a part of our little crew ☺

OP posts:
HerondaleDucks · 25/01/2019 15:08

I would have a discussion with him before you get married. It is unfair to make him sacrifice the possibility of having his own children if you cannot afford it etc. Have the conversation with him before any commitments. However if he is happy to just be a step father and that's it then you'll be well suited.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 15:38

Well we both don't earn a huge amount and so he does understand that in order to even consider a baby at least one, or if not both of us, would have to find a higher paying job. We both work ft-I'm the higher earner-but still between us we only come out with about £45k and can't afford to get on the housing ladder! Currently renting a two-bed.

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Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 15:41

And he knew when he met me I was an old bird 😉

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AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2019 17:35

How does he feel about it? You seem to feel guilty while knowing it’s not possible, and he must have accepted not having children in his previous marriage. Has he said he wants one with you or are you imagining he might?

TooSassy · 25/01/2019 18:02

No experience here but I would absolutely bottom out how he feels about giving up on having DC of his own? I mean that’s huge.

I have to ask. Do you not worry about him waking up one day and saying, I’m sorry but I really want a child of my own. 38 is not too old to try for a baby. And it’s ok for you as you have your children, but has he categorically articulated to you that he has thought long and hard about the ramifications of this and has come to terms with not having a child of his own?

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 18:11

Where do we put the baby?!! Four of us already in a damp rented two bed!

Partner no bio children of his own-anybody the same?
OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 18:14

More mould lol

Partner no bio children of his own-anybody the same?
Partner no bio children of his own-anybody the same?
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AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2019 18:18

You don’t have to have one. But you do need to have a frank chat about how your fiancé feels knowing you consider it completely off the table.

No one knows what will happen, even when they decide to try. But for some people it’s important they have an opportunity to give it a go. Step parenting as a parent is a different ballgame to doing it when you don’t have your own. For some people, while they don’t want their own having their partner’s DC in their lives is a bonus. It’s a much bigger change though when you’ve never parented in any capacity to go to living with children, of course it is.

No one’s going to convince you to have a baby you don’t want, can’t afford or accommodate. It’s not strangers you need to ask or convince, you need to talk to your fiancé and make sure he’s happy not having a chance to have any of his own. I’ll assume you spoke about all of this before agreeing to get married... But you seem stressed about it now so talk about it again.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 18:22

Well he wants to be with me. We as a couple are not able to financially afford a baby so it's something we have to accept.

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HerondaleDucks · 25/01/2019 19:49

Have you even spoken to him about it? I don't think anyone who has replied on thus thread are joking.... but you don't seem to be taking us seriously. Step parenting is NOT the same as having your own child and I would make sure your dp knows that you want him to accept that he cannot have a child of his own with you. If he marries you then that's a huge commitment and if you don't both talk about this before hand you could be letting yourselves into a world of heart break when later down the line it becomes a deal breaker for him. Talk to him. Communicate. Don't make stupid jokes online about cupboards and mould.

littlemeitslyn · 25/01/2019 19:51

45k !!!! I live on a pension of £10000Grin

PastaCake · 25/01/2019 20:02

I think you need to find out if having his own children is a deal breaker. Step-children are not the same, and for some people will not be enough. And he needs to be honest. If he honestly says he doesn't mind not having his own children then that's great. If it will break his heart not trying for his own then it might be best to let him know it's ok to leave for his own happiness and so he doesn't resent/regret later.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 20:07

Do you get benefits etc? Ateotd he knew when we met my financial situation. I also knew he earned less than me (£23ish p/a). I told him from the start this may mean no children of his own and he accepts that. Of course it's not ideal but it's not like we're loaded and I'm saying no to a baby just because I don't really fancy it! We can't afford it!

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Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 20:35

@HerondaleDucks where was the joke? Nothing remotely funny about having to live in a mouldy property I can assure you!

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TooSassy · 25/01/2019 20:52

Op, you’re deflecting whilst we are all giving you very real advice and highlighting our significant concerns. Yes he’s met you and he loves you. That’s nice. But that initial ‘i love you more than anything’ also wears off and you’re left with life.

Saying you’re ok with not having your own child and actually working through the real acceptance of this and coming to terms with it are two very different things. By all means keep not answering our comments. But in answer to your OP, no I’m not in your situation. Why? I met a Few lovely men with no DC who would have happily dated me and loved me etc. But when I know, that deep down they wanted their own child and I knew that I wanted no more, to me that’s a big enough gap that I wouldn’t pursue it.

As others have said, it’s very different to ttc and not succeeding as that’s the couple going through it and that in itself is a journey of grief, acceptance etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2019 20:56

You’re making out like anyone on here is trying to make you have a baby. You don’t have to have a baby. There’s no argument here. If you can’t afford a sanitary house for you and your existing children then of course you can’t have another one. But who is saying you should?! You don’t want one. You say he’s fine with not having one. I don’t think you should have one. So don’t have one.

What people are saying is step parenting isn’t the same as having your own. Your partner presumably feels okay about that. I’m sure plenty of people are. So what’s the issue?

combatbarbie · 25/01/2019 21:02

I'm a bit torn, you could afford it as you'd be in the benefits bracket. Housing situation, ok not great but there are options with HA, council etc yes I know there are waiting lists etc.

And that mould looks like surface mould, hot soapy water and mould paint will sort it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2019 21:03

For myself, I knew I wanted a chance to have my own. I want to be mum as well as stepmum. For quite a while it didn’t look like it was going to happen and I was making peace with that, but knowing my husband wanted it as much as I did, going through what we went through as a team on the same page made it as bearable as it could be. If he hadn’t wanted more children when we met then I wouldn’t have stayed with him. If he’d changed his mind when it was difficult it would have been even more awful than it was. We got married with an understanding that it was on the cards and something we both wanted. If it hadn’t happened that would have been one thing (and was) but him not wanting the same things as me would have been another.

Everyone’s different though. A good friend is a happy step dad to children who are too old to ever have been his, his now wife is quite a lot older than him and couldn’t have had anymore. He’s not fussed about being a biological father and views his step kids as a happy bonus. They both always knew the deal and they got married on that basis.

The only thing that matters is you both being honest. Nowhere have you said he’s told you he wants a baby with you.

Desmondo2016 · 25/01/2019 21:04

My story was almost exactly the same as yours.... until we had our own when I was 40... Is it DEFINITELY off the table?

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:08

We have discussed it. He says he loves me for me regardless. He knows he doesn't earn much and neither do I and has always understood this may mean we can't afford to consider a baby. It's not my fault, it's not his, it's just circumstance. Supposing we separated and he met another woman. He would still have a low income so unless she was in a better financial position than me/him they would more than likely be in a similar situation. He is 43 himself and always wanted a partner relatively similar in age so in addition he also understood that this also makes a child of his own less likely from a biological pov.
Yes, he wishes we'd have met earlier. He wishes he would have been blessed with a child of his own. But it just wasn't to be.
Life is not ideal but that's the way it is.
It's interesting to note that I still haven't come across a couple similar to us in that only one of us has biological children. They must exist, right?

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Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:10

@Demondo2016 Yes because it's not financially possible.

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Desmondo2016 · 25/01/2019 21:16

I always felt lucky that dh didn't have kids. I can't imagine that it would have been logistically as easy to make it work.

My dh had made his peace with not having kids too and was/is an amazing step dad. He's a truly amazing daddy tho and although I said to him at the start of the relationship that he needed to accept that being with me would mean NEVER having the opportunity to have a child , boy how things change... he's turned out to be an amazing daddy too and although our baby had completely turned our lives on their heads and I have a reeeediculous image gap between oldest and youngest, she's bloody awesome and we wouldn't change her for the world!

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:16

We wouldn't qualify for council housing. I plan to get back into work ASAP. We then wouldn't qualify for any benefits whatsoever as we'd both be working full time. Even so, we still wouldn't have enough to get on the housing ladder. Another child would mean we'd need the very minimum of a three bed?

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Desmondo2016 · 25/01/2019 21:16

Reeediculous AGE gap. Bloody thumbs!

HerondaleDucks · 25/01/2019 21:18

I am a childless woman that is about to marry a man with full custody of 2 children. They live with us 100% of the time. So I understand better than you think. And you've said may not be able to have a child. I don't think you've made it very clear that you don't actually want any more children. As I said have a proper talk with him and be honest that you do not want another. He may not earn as much as you would like but I'm sure that he is financially contributing to your children's lives. This may come with resentments over time.
I'm very lucky that my dp and my dsd are openly positive about me having a child one day. But if my dp turned around tomorrow and said we can't afford it so it won't happen. I would feel cheated and it would be a deal breaker.