Should I offer to meet up?

[Wrybread]

So I'm the dm of two dc. My ex has a dp who moved in a few months back, having moved from a different part of the country to be with him.

The dc came back and weren't themselves this week and when I asked what was wrong, they told me that they'd had a bad weekend with exs dp.

Long story short, she got upset at dc1 for fighting with dc2. Seems to have overeacted because she later cried about over reacting but blamed the dc and her having pmt.

Then later on still, she got frustrated with them and said she felt happy with her friends in her hometown, but then came back to them and felt unwanted and unwelcome (or something like that).

I'm wondering if it would help to offer to meet up for a cuppa and chat?

I really don't know her (literally met her briefly at the door once and because it was unexpected didn't really know what to say) but it sounds like she's finding it tough adjusting to parenting the dc.

The dc are being assessed for autism and that also means some ways of parenting don't work well and they need different strategy. Also some parts of their issues can seem like naughtiness when it's not....and I know how that feels when trying to parent because I've felt it too!

Plus I know that ex has a tendency to step back on parenting if other people are around, so she may be doing more of unfun and telling off parts of parenting.

Is it a good idea to offer to meet up, or would it be seen as interfering?

(For full disclosure, ex was emotionally /financially controlling with some borderline physical intimidation and so I feel uncomfortable being around him)

I think it's nice of you to offer and it would be probably be helpful. However, I expect she would be petrified at the idea and wonder if you're going to tell her she's doing everything wrong (that would be what I would think). If you phrase it nicely and mention the potential autism issues she may be very grateful. You can but try. Good luck.

I moved from another part of the country to be with my DP and to be honest I was like this with my DSC for the first few months. Didn't shout at the kids but I was already feeling so out of sorts away from home, friends and a new job I didn't enjoy that the added stress of looking after children having had no previous experience sent me over the edge and I would often hide in the bathroom / kitchen and cry. Combined with my DP telling me I was doing things wrong and not allowing a break from them it was awful.

How old are your children?

I'm not sure she would enjoy a chat if it makes her feel like she's doing things 'wrong' it may just make it worse as, as women we expect it to come naturally and beat ourselves up when it doesn't. I might talk to your ex though and tell him you are worried he is putting too much pressure on her and to let her have some time out and to adjust.

One dc is key stage 2 and one is key stage 3.

Yeah I'm in two minds because she might think I'm trying to criticise and that's just going to make things worse.

Also, I don't know what my ex has said about me. He may well want to keep us from meeting without him in case she hears what he did. But I feel there's no point telling her how he treated me because I wouldn't have listened to any of his exs when I was with him.

Because of how things are between my ex and I, I don't think talking to him would work. He's more likely to do the opposite of anything I suggest 😂 And because I'm still anxious around him, I don't do well communicating directly with him: I tend to come across as overly fake breezy, or defensive.

I feel for her. It's hard enough leaving where you live, friends etc. Let alone moving in with a partner and learning to parent.

I'm also concerned that if she cried in front of them etc that she's at breaking point.

This is really lovely of you, OP.

Having been the 'new partner' in a situation, I'd have really appreciated DP's ex reaching out, AND I probably would have felt uncomfortable about accepting the offer, given the fact that DP and she ended badly and they hardly speak.

She is going through a lot – the move, a new relationship, new-to-her kids... my guess is it's really not about your DC as much as it is about everything-all-at-once-ness and unfortunately that's one of those things that just takes time...

Can you offer to have a cuppa just to 'break the ice' and say hello, as it were, and not mention anything about what she's dealing with with your DC initially?

It may well come up in the natural flow of conversation, and if it does, great. You sound bloody lovely, very understanding, and like someone who wouldn't come across at all as critical.

That's great advice, thank you

Yeah, we don't have to discuss parenting at all. And maybe if she sees I'm not out to criticise her, she'll feel less worried about messing up the parenting from time to time (as we all do).

That does sound nice wybread. I guess anything that can make her feel more settled would be a bonus. Maybe just frame it as wanting to get to know her?

Yeah....it's how to make it sound friendly and non threatening

Also, the only way I have to contact her directly, rather than through my ex, is messaging her on Twitter. Would that just seem weird, to contact her that way? I don't follow her but commented supportively on one of her tweets months ago, so could find that on my timeline to get her handle to direct message her maybe?

Are you worried your ex simply wouldn't pass on the message, or do you not want him knowing at all?

I'm asking because if my DP's ex contacted me to meet up for a cuppa, the first thing I'd do is let him know, out of respect.

You could always take the extra-softly-softly approach and get your number passed on to her as a just-in-case measure with the DCs.

One of the first things I asked for when I started watching DSS without his dad around was his mum's number – if (god forbid) anything were to happen to him under my care, I'd want to be able to let both parents know immediately.

Could that be a way in?

That's a good idea.

Yes I'm worried that he might not pass the message on, or might add to it to make it/me sound dodgy. He has form for this with other relatives.

I think the offer, put correctly, is a positive thing.

Is it possible that your ex has made you out to be some kind of monster to her? It might actually be nice for her to realise that the kid's mum is friendly and wants to help.

It's a lovely attitude you have, by the way. There's going to be a lot of stepmums reading this wishing you were their stepkid's mum!

You sound really kind OP I think its a great idea.

"It's a lovely attitude you have, by the way. There's going to be a lot of stepmums reading this wishing you were their stepkid's mum!"

Also This^

I think offering to meet up would be wonderful, I had a constant stream of nasty little comments when I first got with DP then moved in etc. It doesn't happen as often now but it was really upsetting at the time so I think you sound like a lovely person. I wish I had someone like you around when I was in her position!

It's so hard living with someone else's kids especially at first. I had no idea how difficult it would be but if I didn't have my friends or family so close to me I would have found it ten times harder, sounds like she is really struggling.

I agree with other posters that it should be a 'break the ice' thing first, make it clear that you don't want to tell her what she is doing wrong, just a friendly hello and a bit of gentle moral support would be perfect.

I think messaging her on Twitter would be absolutely fine. Good luck!