Feeling like a stranger in my own home

[NoPhelange]

DPs stepson has been coming to stay here 2 nights during the week and every third weekend for a long time now, near 2 years. He's a great kid, 14, and we get on really well. The issue isn't one of not liking or loving him as I absolutely do and do pretty much everything for him when he is here including taking him to and collecting from school 20 miles away. But whenever he is here I feel like I can't relax in my own home. I feel constantly on edge, like I should be doing something. Of a weekend he literally lays on the sofa for the entire weekend with his horrendous smelling feet (soap dodger) and with 2 other kids and DP here too I am often wandering around the house for a place to sit.

Today for example he got up at 10.30am, lay on the sofa until he was served breakfast, back on the sofa and hasn't moved except to go to the toilet. Him and DP tend to put sports on TV or watch films that only they enjoy, think Toy Story and The Hangover type drivel. Never wants to go out to do anything unless it's to kick a ball around with DP. He's still on the same sofa now. I've had a banging migraine all day and have had to take myself off upstairs because they essentially took over the lounge watching sports with surround sound booming whilst listening to another sport on their phones and shouting a commentary and scores to each other. I came down and was forced to sit with 3yo DS on my knee just to be able to sit down.

How do I relax more? DP does help before anyone says it's a DP issue, but he also enables him a lot. Will tell him to fetch his own drinks or take his own plate out when he tries to pass it to anyone walking past including 3yo, but will 8/10 give in. He even washes his hair for him before school. Surely at 14 it shouldn't be like this? I just feel like the hired help on the days he is here. Silently wandering around either looking for a seat and waiting for the next request off someone.

Does anyone else find that having SC stay slightly alters the feel of the house and your ability to fully relax? It's not a personal issue with him whatsoever. I think I'm just still adjusting to having a lazy, stinking teenager slobbing around my house all weekend and thought I would have sussed it by now 🤦🏻‍♀️

Does anybody ever say no to this kid?

I do actually. When he hands me his plates or tries to I sit down and say I don't think so, when he asks DP for a drink when we are all eating I tell him to get his own. He came into the kitchen when i was doing dinner dishes and was saying he needed a drink, DP said well you're here now get your own and he said "I'm too full" 😳 I said "as am I, plus I have a migraine but I'm washing everyone's dishes so grab a drink!" and he went and sat down without one. I've only recently felt comfortable enough to call him out like this, and still try and make it seem lighthearted as I don't want to be the one to cause a strop but I guess someone has to. I mean he is 14, at 14 I was cooking roast dinners and had an after school job! It's just so different to what I am used to. I feel like shaking DP and saying he isn't made of glass he won't shatter if you ask him to do something for himself or assume a vertical position now and again!

Could anyone with teenage SC let me know what a typical access weekend is like for them?

Just gone downstairs. DSS still splayed out on a whole couch, DP taking up 2 of 3 seats on the other and DS in the 3rd seat. I stood up by the window and DPs answer was "do you want me on the floor?" rather than tell DSS to sit up?! So I did. I'm sat down! One small leap... 😁

I'm going to have to start being far more assertive aren't I.

Yes to bring more assertive.
tell him to get up. To get his own drink, sort his own plate etc.
But really the problem is your DH I'm afraid. Nothing will change unless he does.
Personally I'd change the den and make it your own space.

It’s odd he’s letting his dad wash his hair, my ds 13 would freak at the thought.
Is it a fabric sofa ? Can you not give it a clean when he’s due to stay so it’s too damp for use? See what he does then

Situations like this are hard because it should be his home as well as yours. (I assume it’s your DPs home too?) I think you just need to learn to say budge over if he’s taking up the whole sofa and you can’t sit down. Maybe suggest family films to watch with the family? As a teenager I just wanted some lazy days too, especially with exam pressure etc. That doesn’t excuse him from keeping the place tidy and putting his things away. I always feel for children that live between two houses though, especially when both parents are creating their own families. It’s easy to not think you belong to either family.

I completely agree @doghorsechicken , and he has never been made to feel this isn't his home too, however it seems like he sees it as more of a holiday home. He's already admitted he doesn't get away with this at home. And I don't let my own kids get away with this stuff, so for the sake of consistency for all it should be the same for him too, no? I don't want my kids seeing him having every requested bestowed upon him from the comfort of his own couch and then being asked to sort their mess out but not him. It's only going to lead to resentment all round.

I think that there comes a point when our relationship as Sm / dsc has to ‘break through’ this invisible barrier and become more genuine. That means you being more you OP,

E.g. saying oh come on, move up the sofa DSS I’ve got a crippling migraine.

I think it’s uncomfortable to do this, DSS and DP may well resist. But after some years you absolutely need to feel more of a presence yourself in your own home. It’s unconscious but your DSS is dominating the place as if you weren’t there. He can because he knows his Dad is at his beck and call.

I had this too, crikey felt so uncomfortable. Even ‘asking’ the DSCs that I wanted to watch my TV felt very uncomfortable. And looking back, because I wasn’t accepted in my own home, and I felt on eggshells the whole time.

As soon as I started to be more myself they unfortunately didn’t take to it well. However it was a million times better than feeling so out of place most of the time. Good luck!

What would DP say if you asked him (when you and he are alone) why he offered/moved rather than asking DS to move? Would he see how ridiculous it is if you pointed it out like that?

I'm glad you said yes and let DP give up his seat, do that every time from now on, at least then it's DP suffering for his poor parenting of DSS rather than you. I also think you need to start sticking up for yourself more too, if my DSS was spread out like that and I wanted to sit down I'd just say 'shift up, sofa's plenty big enough for two!' in a jokey way and he'd shift up.

As for the rest could you steel yourself to start being more assertive do you think? It does sound as though you're not really challenging any of this as it happens and that just reinforces DP's slack parenting and DSS's sense of entitlement. I would be saying stuff like 'actually no, I don't want to watch Toy Story, my turn to choose I think seeing as you chose last weekend'. Smile while you say it if it makes you feel better (keep seeing it said on here that you can get away with saying anything if it's done with a smile!) but you're perfectly entitled to some say in what goes on in your own house.

Sorry if I've missed this but does he have a TV in his den? If not, put one in there and tell him and his dad to go and watch their crap programmes in there as you and your DC want to take over the living room (to do whatever you want).

Is it possible that he likes being with the family and in the thick of things so does not use his den?
Does he have other siblings at his Mum’s?
Just do the ‘scoot over, I need a seat too’ when you want to sit down.

Sorry it wasn't too clear I knew at time of posting, I told DSS to 'budge up before he welded to the couch' and he huffed but did. I looked at DP in disbelief when he said do you want me on the floor rather than telling DSS to sit up.

He does have a TV in his den yes, used it for about 3 weeks when it was finished and then hasn't since really. He just prefers being down here within close proximity to waiters all day I think.

And I do need to start being more assertive and treating him as I do my own, we have a great relationship otherwise and I guess I have to stop following his dad's lead and treating him as a special guest. I'd have thought after 2 years it would have settled down a bit more than it has in terms of expectations when here and boundaries, the same as he has at home. Thank you for all of your replies and helpful advice