Feeling like a stranger in my own home

[NoPhelange]

DPs stepson has been coming to stay here 2 nights during the week and every third weekend for a long time now, near 2 years. He's a great kid, 14, and we get on really well. The issue isn't one of not liking or loving him as I absolutely do and do pretty much everything for him when he is here including taking him to and collecting from school 20 miles away. But whenever he is here I feel like I can't relax in my own home. I feel constantly on edge, like I should be doing something. Of a weekend he literally lays on the sofa for the entire weekend with his horrendous smelling feet (soap dodger) and with 2 other kids and DP here too I am often wandering around the house for a place to sit.

Today for example he got up at 10.30am, lay on the sofa until he was served breakfast, back on the sofa and hasn't moved except to go to the toilet. Him and DP tend to put sports on TV or watch films that only they enjoy, think Toy Story and The Hangover type drivel. Never wants to go out to do anything unless it's to kick a ball around with DP. He's still on the same sofa now. I've had a banging migraine all day and have had to take myself off upstairs because they essentially took over the lounge watching sports with surround sound booming whilst listening to another sport on their phones and shouting a commentary and scores to each other. I came down and was forced to sit with 3yo DS on my knee just to be able to sit down.

How do I relax more? DP does help before anyone says it's a DP issue, but he also enables him a lot. Will tell him to fetch his own drinks or take his own plate out when he tries to pass it to anyone walking past including 3yo, but will 8/10 give in. He even washes his hair for him before school. Surely at 14 it shouldn't be like this? I just feel like the hired help on the days he is here. Silently wandering around either looking for a seat and waiting for the next request off someone.

Does anyone else find that having SC stay slightly alters the feel of the house and your ability to fully relax? It's not a personal issue with him whatsoever. I think I'm just still adjusting to having a lazy, stinking teenager slobbing around my house all weekend and thought I would have sussed it by now 🤦🏻‍♀️

DPs SON sorry, not stepson

Is this your house, that your DP moved into? This is such a common problem - I just couldn't put up with it.

It is my house yes. I fully knew this would be the situation should I continue a relationship with DP, and chose to. His previous digs were a flat and so not suitable for us all. I just didn't think that after 2 years I'd still feel so put out at times in my own home

He's absolutely taking the piss. Good guess that he'd moved in - you see this situation so many times on here.

So you are taking the child to school - which is expensive and time consuming AND NOT YOUR JOB and then your DP and his son act as though they own the place, smelling it out, watching what they want on TV without a thought for you.

Honestly, if you don't have children together, I'd kick them out.

No advice specifically from a step-parent point of view but I would suggest that DP needs to help his son to grow up and start acting his age.

Can you speak calmly to DP and suggest that you both need to help DSS to grow up, take on some responsibility and become more independent. At 14 he should be capable of having a shower, washing his hair, making a cuppa/snack and helping out as part of the family. I would suggest that this becomes less about how you feel about it but that, as his parents, if you don't address it now you will end up with a hopeless adult-child on your hands.

How can you think you don't have a dp issue? He is sat there while his DS is laid on the sofa and there is nowhere for you to sit?

Why does nobody say anything? To be honest if these are your DH's standards I'd be giving him the boot!

Take yourself off for a spa day. Leave the little one and treat yourself. Or go for a days countryside walk with a friend or long soaks in the bath.

To be fair to DP, he does a lot. He stays here and gets my kids to their local school whilst I take his. He helps around the house 50/50 despite working crazy hours. It just seems like his sole focus becomes spending time with his son whenever he is here, everyone else becomes an after thought? And I get it, but there's definitely an element of his happiness trumps all for those few days. His son is what I'd consider really immature for his age, and then comes here and is a pampered pooch and I don't feel it's helping. My own DC don't get to lay around having everything brought to them all weekend and so when he comes it is different from my norm and just massively changes the feel of the house. Trying to figure out if it's my issue and I need to loosen up and accept it's what teenage lads do, or if it's something else.

Teenagers are a world of their own... give it six months and you won’t get him out of his pit of a room. He’ll only come out to be fed and watered.....

That said, being a lazy sod at 14 is entirely normal. I recently foubd my teenage diary and I doubt I went for a walk for about 3 years. School to couch, bed to couch....I did chores, and did my own laundry from 14 but outside of what was required I did sweet fuck all. I grew up, thankfully!

I suggest rather than trying to change the boy, you change the environment. Buy him a small TV for his room - you'll get your living room back. He'll never get out of bed again! But that'll be his Dad's issue, at least you'll have your space back.

Um this is a DP issue. If you cannot see that then there is not much I can advice.

In had this for a very short time until I dumped my bf. My house, be in a crummy flat and teenage son when visiting took over the living room with no thought to my dc. I let it got he first time, moaned the second and switched channels for my dc after 2 weekends as well as be enough bf and his son from taking over the pc.
I then ended my relationship with bf as my dc were dreading w/e's and it was their home! Funnily enough bf was always nagging me to let him move in.
No way would I have ever allowed that and now you are learning why you never let the bf move in, ever. Surely this behaviour was apparent before he moved in?
So my advice is kick them out and put your poor children first, or is your bf too important? That is harsh I know but while you allow this to happen that is the message your dc are getting. Good luck. Christ you can't even tell stinky feet to wash? That is you allowing yourself to be a doormat.

@Tiredeyes21 we actually coverted a room into a den for him, PlayStation 4, huge beanbag, new TV, all his favourite bits and bobs.. He never bloody uses it. Just spends the entire time on the sofa winding DS up. Would love him to just stink that one room out! 😁

Teenage boys do stink, they do slob about and they do take up an extraordinarily huge amount of room but at 14 he needs to shower daily, not monopolise one room and acknowledge he shares the space with other people. Picking up after himself and seeing to his own needs, get his own breakfast etc.
Your husband washes his hair!!!!!! My 14 year old would scream blue murder if I tried to enter the bathroom when he was in the shower. At that age he should be entirely independent with his personal hygiene.

I’d take over his den then...... make it your relaxing room! Tomorrow morning wake up... get a book go to the den..... and don’t come out for a few hours. They can all fed and water themselves with your DP assisting

Why wouldn't you just tell him to shift?

His dad is doing him a massive disservice and needs to be told. WTF is going on with the waiter service? I've never yet met a teenager incabable of finding the fridge and helping themselves!

Time for hard words with DP - one child does not get to disrupt an entire household. DP is infantilising his son and it needs to stop.

OP it sounds like you and DH need to have a chat and agreement. Does he know how you feel? If he does and hasn't done anything, you def have a DH problem. There should be less 'do you want to?' and more 'this is what we're doing'. Your DH needs to back you up and give his DS more responsibility and chores while he's with you. He should be fitting in as part of the family, not a special guest. On the seating problem, can't you just ask them to move? My DH would never sit somewhere, leaving me standing up and if he did I'd be quick to say, 'move your bloomin' arse!'

Those are my feelings umbrella
DP does help he's cooked dinner tonight, took my DS downstairs when he surfaced at an ungodly hour and left me in bed, had tidied up and made me a coffee when I woke. He does his best. He seems to be crippled by this fear that if he doesn't do all his son wants when he is here then he won't want to come anymore. But I just get massively offended sometimes by things like washing his hair when my own 9yo can independently bathe and wash her own hair. I'm back upstairs again now because they want to watch another film. Either that or they were going to come into my bedroom to watch it and I absolutely refuse to have my space turned into a doss pit for them and smelly feet.

@tiredeyes21 - I like your thinking, have already told him if it doesn't start getting used I'll be selling the stuff we bought and turning it into a walk in closet 😁

Not sure what else a 14 year old boy would want to do outside the house, in winter, other than watch movies or sport on TV, with the odd kick around outside with DF? Problem is that DCs from divorced parents will not be able to join clubs or activities which take place every weekend without co operation of both parents, as will probably need to be taken every weekend by either parent, ie football club, cricket etc. Guess it’s just one of those things you just have to go with the flow, or part ways.

If he's 20 miles away from school, I assume his school is where he lives with mum. Has he no friends at yours?

@livelovebehappy it's not a seasonal issue, it's all year round. If we go somewhere it's huffs and puffs or I've been there with mum can you do it when I've gone.

Mostly, it is fine. We rub along, making the best of what it is. But on days like today when I'm tired and in pain it just gets a bit much. I never get down about it and try to just get over myself and get on with what needs to be done but as he gets older I feel like as many posters have said, he is being done a disservice. But what to do with a DP who is too worried about making his time here anything other than great. He's done the dishes once in 2 years and even then got my DS on a stool to help 🤦🏻‍♀️

@gisabreak he has no interest in making actual friends here. He did get friendly with a sister of one of DDs friends, snapchatted with her for ages and then she came round on boxing night for games etc and they had a great time, but by the next week he was found to be chatting to too many other girls for her liking 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄

I banned this. It sounds stroppy but I did as I was very heavily pregnant and just got cross one day. No children in our bedroom unless poorly (once baby is seven months , that rule applies to him to). Everyone gets a seat and adults do more than children, including visitors as it's manners.
We pick things everyone likes to watch eg family films or top gear rather than racing etc and have family time watching them together.
Could you try that?

@Spanglyprincess1 have tried that, it works now and again. But mostly it's DSS asking for a film like bloody toy story (before Christmas we had every you story on all day) yet spends the whole time snapchatting half of his face to people.

Even though he just lays on the couch all weekend his presence is very dominating I think because he constantly has DP on his toes too and so that's what I'm struggling with I think. The whole house changes and it doesn't feel like mine. And I'm the only one who seems to notice or feel it and so I feel wrong to bring it up as it will just be seen as a personal attack on DSS, which it's absolutely not.

Thank you also to all those who have replied, even if I haven't personally replied it was read and noted. Some food for thought in a few replies.