Not allowed to have stepchildren for Christmas and birthdays

[fortheloveofmum]

Hi all, I have two stepchildren ages 11 & 9. I also have a DD 10 from a previous relationship and a DS 2 with my DH.

My stepchildren's mum has never really liked me or the fact my DH met someone new after they split up. She only lets us have them for one weekend a month and that's if she doesn't cancel it. My husband doesn't want to take her to court as he thinks this will exacerbate the problem.

She never lets us have them on their birthdays or for Christmas Day which we would desperately like to do. My DH wants to send her a message asking if we can have them for birthdays and or Christmas this year but he's not sure how to word it and neither am I. I was wondering if the wise people of mumsnet might be able to help with ideas of what to say? TIA

I’ve never seen a mediator award a form based on one non show to mediation

Really? This is my experience. If one party engages a mediator and the other party doesn’t respond, the mediator signs the form allowing the first party to apply to court. Mediation is not compulsory. Attending a MIAM is.

To be fair the DC might not want to spend their birthdays and Christmases at yours at the moment given that they don’t have a strong relationship with their dad.

@LittleLongDog he has asked them and they have said that they would like to spend some birthdays/Christmas' with him

I agree with those who are expressing frustration about the new partner leading the charge... I'm a Mother of 2 and have been a Step-Mum and I wouldn't ever get involved with a Fathers contact arrangements with his child. I've had it from the opposite end of the spectrum when all of a sudden you have a woman who has just appeared from nowhere trying to dictate new contact arrangements with your children who she doesn't know at all. I have to say there is nothing more irritating, I don't understand why some women won't just back off and there isn't a bit more respect for the person that brought those children into the world and nurtured them as they grew. I know my opinion is controversial these days and I don't agree with women who actively prevent a relationship with the Father but it does make me frustrated.

Also the children have spent a lot of time with their Mother, it's not just a case of having them for birthdays and Christmas. You don't know what they really want if they only see you once a month, whatever comes out of their mouths, they are children. My parents split when I was a child and as much as I loved my Dad, I wanted to be with my Mum at Christmas and on my birthdays. They might have a different point of view but you don't really know that at the moment. In my opinion you should try and see them more regularly first. Keep offering and keep trying, suggest little and often, take them out for a meal after school one night, offer to have them for a few hours at the weekends building up to every other weekend without all of a sudden trying to take them at Christmas. Build more of a relationship with the Mother, make her feel like you have a bit of respect for her. If someone did this to me I would try and fight it with everything I had and I have a great relationship with my DS's Father.

@fortheloveofmum of course they will say that. But at the moment while the relationship isn’t very strong then they might not actually mean it.

I'm afraid your DP needs to grow a backbone and stand up for his rights to his children and for THEIR RIGHT to a relationship with him. The 'my ex will make it worse excuse' is just a bit wet. He needs to get on HMCTS web site. Fill in form c100 and apply for appropriate access to HIS children.

It costs £215 but if he fills in form ex160he may get an exemption. This all takes about an hour.
You DONT need a lawyer.

If he sees his children at all, then she cannot object on welfare grounds if his safe enough to have them once a month he's safe enough to have them two nights a fortnight. IF things are as you say, then he WILL get court ordered access a minimum of two nights a fortnight , their mother will get short shrift from a judge. Christmas/Birthdays can be sorted at the same hearing. That will stop her nonsense . PM me if you need specific advice on how to fill in the forms.

I wonder that your comment about contact dropping when you are pregnant - does this mean that you have been made to feel that this is somehow your fault? And that you have to prove how accommodating you are by being very vocal about wanting the kids more?

I only say that as I was made to feel that my step kids not visiting as much was my fault. And that I was pushing them out because of the baby. I had a phase of being super welcoming and trying to get my step kids to visit with invitations and enticements because I had internalised this.

If so, you are not to blame. Don’t take on any of your DPs misplaced guilt. He alone is responsible for his relationships with his kids.