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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Not allowed to have stepchildren for Christmas and birthdays

32 replies

fortheloveofmum · 18/01/2019 12:50

Hi all, I have two stepchildren ages 11 & 9. I also have a DD 10 from a previous relationship and a DS 2 with my DH.

My stepchildren's mum has never really liked me or the fact my DH met someone new after they split up. She only lets us have them for one weekend a month and that's if she doesn't cancel it. My husband doesn't want to take her to court as he thinks this will exacerbate the problem.

She never lets us have them on their birthdays or for Christmas Day which we would desperately like to do. My DH wants to send her a message asking if we can have them for birthdays and or Christmas this year but he's not sure how to word it and neither am I. I was wondering if the wise people of mumsnet might be able to help with ideas of what to say? TIA

OP posts:

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Cherries101 · 18/01/2019 12:54

What do you do for birthdays and Christmas for your kids? Do you let your ex have them on the days every year? I bet you don’t.

I think your battleground here should be to get more access rather than just special occasions. Go to court and get more access first and then negotiate special occasions.

MissMalice · 18/01/2019 12:59

If she isn’t willing to be sensible for weekend contact, he hasn’t a hope in hell of getting contact for Christmas and birthdays. He should consider going to court.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 18/01/2019 13:13

You need to obtain regular access first before trying to get birthdays and christmases

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 18/01/2019 13:17

Court really is the best option.
Before /during our case exh planned regular schedules for our dc to make them regularly unavailable for me. He got told straight off the judge to stop.
We were given a proper timetable, agreed and signed.
Your dh is short changing his dc of a proper df by not standing up for them.
His ex does not get to decide when the dc see him.

Original poster

fortheloveofmum · 18/01/2019 13:30

@Cherries101 I wasn't suggesting all the Christmas and birthdays every year but alternate years taking turns which is what I do with my ex (DD 10's dad)

OP posts:

Original poster

fortheloveofmum · 18/01/2019 13:31

Thanks everyone I will try again to persuade him to go through the courts

OP posts:

Harpingon · 18/01/2019 20:09

You need to go to court to increase to two weekends per month first IMO.

Doyoumind · 18/01/2019 20:16

You can get the whole lot sorted in one trip to court. Do you think the SDC want this though as given their ages they are likely to be asked. It would have been wise to have sorted this a long time ago.

You'll have to consider mediation before going to court too.

Doyoumind · 18/01/2019 20:17

By one trip I mean one case. It may mean more than one hearing.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 21:05

@Cherries101
Where did she say they wanted this EVERY year.

Court is the way to go.
His DC will know he fought for regular contact with them if he goes to court.

Once visitation is increased...you can work on the other stuff.

He can't have much of a relationship seeing them once a month.

Original poster

fortheloveofmum · 18/01/2019 22:20

@SandyY2K he doesn't unfortunately, it's so sad to see. They used to have such a great relationship and my 2 children adore them, they all have so much fun together.

I spoke to my husband about going to court and he has said we will look into it properly this weekend. Hopefully it's a path he wants to go down. He did try mediation but his ex never turned up to the session.

OP posts:

Dogsmellssobadbob · 18/01/2019 22:24

What reasons does your DH have for NOT going to court to get more access? He sounds a bit half arsed about it tbh.

I wonder if there is more going on than you describe?

ISdads · 18/01/2019 22:28

Not your job to sort out.

What do the kids want? Do they get time alone with their dad or is it always the package deal? They might not want to go for whatever reason, and age 11 is a reasonable age to start deciding where you want to be for your own birthday

Why didn't your dh sort this years ago?

MissMalice · 18/01/2019 22:31

She doesn’t have to turn up. He only has to attend a MIAM. After that he’s free to apply for regular contact including holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 22:36

He did try mediation but his ex never turned up to the session

So if he decides to go to court and they suggest mediation...then he can say he tried and she didn't attend.

That won't go in her favour. She obviously agreed then backed out.

Is he on their BC and has legal parental responsibility?

I have to say it is very sad the number of women who use their children as pawns and deny their fathers a relationship with them.

They don't care for the long term damage it causes...that's why so many people grow up with issues and need therapy.

The kids think dad has chosen not to see them because he doesn't love them and meanwhile lives with stepchildren.

ISdads · 18/01/2019 22:39

It's also sad the number of men who apparently just can't get off their arses to organise contact and then get the new wives to organise their lives

Giesabreak · 18/01/2019 22:59

Why would he need to be persuaded to fight for decent access to his children?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 18/01/2019 23:44

I’d agree with others, I think you are being over helpful. It just fuels resentment about their mum, and your DSCs most likely love and are very bonded with their mum.

Truthfully I’d stay out of it. It’s your DPs job, and he’s as culpable as his Ex. It’s not healthy to add to the fuel against their mum from you, as much as you feel it’s supporting him, I don’t think you are the best person as you as step mum are too diametrically opposed anyway.

I’m not saying you are not a good person. Just beware, pull back, concentrate on your house, his arrangements are for him and his ex to manage.

MissMalice · 19/01/2019 08:41

Why would he need to be persuaded to fight for decent access to his children?

Having spent years supporting my husband as he goes through the family court to get and maintain contact with his children, I understand why some parents can’t face it. Some cases are straight forward. Some parents end up taking their lives because it all gets too much. I know that sounds dramatic and it’s what happens in some cases.

Original poster

fortheloveofmum · 19/01/2019 09:05

@MissMalice this is exactly it, he has tried very hard to come to an amicable agreement with her and it has severely affected his mental health. I can understand why he doesn't feel he can't face a court battle but it does upset me that we don't see them often anymore which is why I try and persuade him to go through the courts. But maybe I should just leave it be and focus on my own kids.

He has offered to take them out for one on one time but their mum wouldn't reply to the messages.

The reason it didn't get sorted years ago is because she was allowing him regular EOW access until she found out I was pregnant with our son and then she put a stop to it. We hoped that after she had time to get over the news things would return to normal but unfortunately that hasn't happened.

Thanks for all the replies, the only reason I posted was because he asked me help him word the text and I didn't know what to suggest. I'll be staying out of it from now on.

OP posts:

MissMalice · 19/01/2019 09:25

I would recommend he tries. It should be fairly straight forward and she may well respond properly if there’s a court order. I’ve come across many cases where parents sorted themselves out once a court order said they had to.

Magda72 · 19/01/2019 10:46

but it does upset me that we don't see them often anymore which is why I try and persuade him to go through the courts.
With all due respects @fortheloveofmum this is not about how you feel & it's also not your fight. I'm a dm & a sm (albeit I don't have a lot of contact with my dp's kids) & it really frustrates me how many women take on the role of fighting for their partner's access to his kids.
Your dp chose to let this access arrangement with his ex role on & it is now coming back to bite him on the ass.
He can either stay going this way, try talking to her or go to court. However HE needs to decide how to handle it & as others have said any push from you is only going to cause resentment.
I know you want what's best for the family as a whole but it really doesn't work that way. Whatever way you look at it these kids are spending the vast majority of their time with their dm & yes will be very bonded to her & having spent the majority of occasions with her they will not want that to change. I'm not saying that's right but it's the way it is. Your dp should focus on getting more regular ordinary access first & he will just have to decide what way he goes about doing this if he chooses to proceed.

Bluebell878275 · 19/01/2019 10:48

I understand the stress and upset a difficult ex can cause but I do think that if a NRP doesn't fight for their children as hard as they can they are failing them just as the RP is. Yes, court will cause emotional upset and financial loss but you are adults that need to carry this on your shoulders, at the moment the children are shouldering the emotional and physical lack of their dad, step-mum, and siblings in their lives. They won't understand why at the moment so it will be painful for them.

Sorry to sound harsh but I find it frustrating when Father's excuse it because they 'dont want to to rock the boat' as this will upset the mum and make things more difficult (my DH does this too)..I wish they'd see it as actually fighting to protect the children from this very thing....a RP determined to deny them of a full life with their Father and steps. You are fighting for what the children deserve.

SD1978 · 19/01/2019 10:54

I agree with others- he needs to go to court for access. Not wanting to rock the boat is a crap excuse- it's already rocked. It also needs to be driven by him- not you. So many women seem to be the driving force behind attempting contact, and are with men who have never bothered doing anything more than have a whine about their lack of time with kids, whilst doing very little proactively to increase it. Then new partner comes along and it's all stations go with them leading the charge. If he wants to see his kids- he needs to do something about it. He shouldn't have to, the Exw shouldn't be unreasonable, but she is and either he fights or rolls over.

TooSassy · 19/01/2019 10:59

You say he tried mediation and she didn’t show. That’s not how mediation works, unless on the one no show, he got a signed form from the mediator agreeing that mediation was not an option. If he doesn’t have that form to show the court then he needs to try the mediation route again and quickly.

If he has to show up to 1 or 2 or 3, he keeps showing up until he has that form and then he goes the court route. I’ve never seen a mediator award a form based on one non show to mediation and even on the slim chance he did a judge would simply say that the mediator was poor and ask why you didn’t try again?

Get to mediation ASAP.

I’m with Magda on this one, the amount of men with their heads up their proverbial hoping it will get better is just laziness

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