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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepson bad influence on my daughter

35 replies

Accy11 · 09/01/2019 20:05

Husband and I have been together for over 6 years. He has two children from previous marriage, 11yo son and 9yo daughter. We now also have a 10month old daughter together.

His kids stay with us every other weekend and every other wed night.

My issue is that his son does nothing but lay on the sofa on his phone or ipad and orders everyone about and generally has an attitude towards everything that doesn’t go his way. He is very loud and swears a lot in front of his sister and my daughter.

Husband tries to reason with him but he just storms off in a huff. And I am a very quiet person so I will just leave the room and go hide upstairs. My main issue is that I feel that I have no control over him influencing my daughter. He keeps telling my 10month old daughter that she will get a phone when she’s 8yo etc.

Anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it?

OP posts:

Kelsoooo · 09/01/2019 20:08

She's 10months old..... how can he be influencing her

Cherries101 · 09/01/2019 20:09

Your DH only allows his kids over at most 6 days a month. Frankly if he manages to be a bad influence to a 10 month old on such little contact then you’re shit parents.

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 20:11

No. Your main issue is his inability or unwillingness to sort out the behaviour of his own son. You don’t “try and reason” with an 11 year old.

bluebench · 09/01/2019 20:15

I think your real problem is with your dp, he will be a bad influence on your dd by not being a good parent and already being unable to control his other children.
You don't 'try to reason' with badly behave 11 year olds and then let them storm off in a huff if they don't like it, he needs to be properly disciplined.
She's also only 10 months, do you really think she understand when she's told she'll get a phone at 8? You can deal with telling why she won't be in 8 years time.

mansneverhot · 09/01/2019 20:16

An 11 year old being a bad influence on a 10 month old... really?

Original poster

Accy11 · 09/01/2019 20:26

Maybe I didn’t explain properly...I’m worried about when my daughter gets older and starts to realise these things.

On the other hand I regret posting on the forum since most replies are quite horrible

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 09/01/2019 20:28

Sounds like a typical example of everything being fine until your baby comes along, then suddenly you have issues with his previous DCs. Seen this time and time again on these threads where dsc are considered outsiders and intruders on the new family unit once baby arrives. It’s so wrong. Has dss suddenly started displaying this behaviour in the last 10 months, or has he been like this for a long time but it’s only now become an issue when you have had the baby?

Original poster

Accy11 · 09/01/2019 20:37

Livelovebehappy - He is worse since he started secondary school in Sept but yes I suppose he has always been the same.

I was just looking for some advice if anyone one else was in the same boat.

OP posts:

Whatififall · 09/01/2019 20:40

She’s 10 months, she won’t have a clue what he’s saying. And by the time she’s old enough to have a clue your dss will be 15plus and a different boy altogether.

Is it possible your step-son is trying to be kind? If he got a phone when he was 8 and his younger sister did maybe he’s trying to include the baby?

As for him swearing then your DH needs to address that properly rather than try to reason with him.

MrsFL · 09/01/2019 20:47

The replies on here are harsh!

I agree that this is an issue with your dh not parenting his 11 year old son though. Will he listen if you point out to him that dss’s behaviour is not ok? Will he deal with it appropriately?

I have a 10 year old dss, my own dc are 24 & 18 so I make sure they are careful about what they watch, discuss & say in front of dss as he is obviously quite a bit younger.

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 20:47

Your DH needs to step up and be a parent. That’s the only solution. It’s not horrid to say that.

Original poster

Accy11 · 09/01/2019 20:57

I have tried to talk to my husband about it but he thinks he can’t change his son’s behaviour as its “just the way he is”. He doesn’t like to discipline him because he then feels guilty when he drops them off with his mum.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 21:17

FFS. He’s as much use as a chocolate teapot isn’t he? Why did you have a child with this joker?
And when your child behaves badly and he can’t be arsed to parent then either?

HollowTalk · 09/01/2019 21:19

Your DH is useless. I would feel my loyalty was to my own children rather than to him and his child, personally. I wouldn't risk anyone damaging my children.

shiningstar2 · 09/01/2019 21:20

I think it can be very difficult for everybody in blended families. If the non resident parent is a dad who is easy going when the kids are with him he is accused of being disney dad. The resident parent doesn't like always having to be bad cop and the new partner feels unsupported when trying to establish what she wants to happen. On the other hand, if non resident parent is strict and kids don't want to come, he feels sad about that and resident parent can use this as a way of discouraging the children to visit.

I think the only right way is to try to see things from the children's point of view. After all its not their fault that things have changed. They often find themselves having to share mum with new partner as well as dad, with new half siblings coming along in both homes. Homes being the operative word. Its hard but the children must feel that both places they stay are their homes. I know adult children who were never treated unkindly but always felt a bit surplus to requirements in both places. In the resident home, very much loved by resident parent, often mum, but sensing when she went off to see dad, mum felt more able to prioritize stepdad and their child/children as a family group for a while.

Similarly, in the every other weekend home, she felt her presence disrupted the normal flow of family life. While no-one was unkind, she felt there was an unspoken relief when she was returned to main home. In peoples heart of hearts ...recognize this anyone?

It's hard but if a blended family there is no real choice but to move away from the mindset of my little family. Not easy but pays dividends in family unity later.

MrsFL · 09/01/2019 21:24

Unfortunately I think a lot of separated Dads can be like this, not wanting to ‘upset’ the children. Maybe because they feel guilty about not being with them all the time? Or in case they don’t want to come or they go back & moan to their Mum which then causes conflict? It really does the children no favours though! unfortunately it doesn’t sound like your dh is on board with any change and is happy to let his son behave like this, which sadly will put you & him on course for disagreements

MrsFL · 09/01/2019 21:27

Wise words shiningstar2!

Anuta77 · 10/01/2019 01:57

I agree that his father has to discipline his son. My SS (14 at the time) was trying to make my son (8 at that time) go against me when it came to what we were eating (ex. adding sugar in his milk because he thought it was better and that my ideas of eating healthy were stupid), arguing with me when I was sending my son to sleep at a reasonable time, etc. I was putting him in his place and his father was doing the same. My DH didn't have a problem disciplining his son just because he wasn't living with him. They are not guests, they are his children.

And i was talking to my son, constantly explaining why my SS was not an authority to him. It was hard, because my son was looking up at SS as he was like an older brother that he never had. Now SS is 16 and comes very rarely, so there's no more bad influence. And he's more reasonable too. Probably your daughter won't even have such a connection with your SS due to bigger age difference, so don't worry in advance. Just educate her the way you see fit.

DarkArts · 10/01/2019 02:12

Your dh is a classic Disney dad. He needs to step up and parent properly.

Laloup1 · 10/01/2019 06:45

Cherries
I don’t know how you ascertain from the OP that the children are only ‘allowed’ over by their father 6 days per week

swingofthings · 10/01/2019 07:29

11yo can be a horrible age. My Godchild has excellent parents who definitely discipline him, more than most would, but he is still acting like a little sh*t at the moment. He'll be one who will look back and say 'yep, I was quite a handfull'.

Saying that, your oh should deal with it. He should discipline him but also should engage him in activities. A lot of kids act up during weekend visits because they are bored. They don't feel at home, they don't feel any bond with their parent, and feel quite miserable as a result, hence act up.

I think it is sad that your only concern is that he could influence your 10 months old or already assume he will do so in a cour of years time.

His dad, with your support, need to help this kid so it doesn't get worse and possibly to the point he doesn't want to come at all any longer.

lunar1 · 10/01/2019 10:11

Your choice is limited but you do have a few.

1.put up with it

Go somewhere else for six days a month
And by far the better option, put a rocket under your husband, he's being crap and lazy!

Hedgehog12345 · 11/01/2019 05:54

Be glad of the age gap, she won’t learn these bad habits from your DSD as he will have grown out of that stage (hopefully) before she starts to really take stuff in and copy. There’s a 7/8 year age gap between step kid and my kids...what I said is what I think, the “bad” habits my step kid has won’t have (due to inconsistent parenting due to different households) any influence on my own kids.

PersonaNonGarter · 11/01/2019 06:13

I am completely confused. There is no issue with your DD. None.

You are demoninsing this poor 11yo - they all like to look at screens all the time.

You are fitting into his family. You really need to be more patient. He had 10 years of his father, now there is a new baby and you are really making excuses (using your DD) as to reasons why he isn’t a bad person.

giftsonthebrain · 11/01/2019 06:43

Just my 2cents worth, but the 11 yr old sounds totally normal and bored.
When you’re a step parent and haven’t watched them develop it’s hard to see they way children mature....very very slowly.

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