When do kids remember birthdays?

[NorthernSpirit]

Can I ask a question....

It was my OH’s birthday yesterday.

We were due to have his kids at the weekend. We had plans to go out as a family to celebrate Saturday.

His daughter (13.5) text him last week and said that it was her friends birthday and she preferred to go to that so didn’t want to come.

I know my OH was disappointed (he only sees the kids EOW - difficult EW who still refuses any more contact that’s stipulated in the court order).

He understands that his daughter is at an age we’re shes becoming more independent and has her own friends so said she should do as she feels best. She chose not to come.

His son (10.5) was picked up and spent the weekend with us.

I took my DSS out Sat and he bought a card, present for dad (at my suggestion), daughter wouldn’t think to send anything.

So yesterday it’s my OH’s birthday. He texts his daughter as he does every morning to say ‘I love you’. She texts back ‘thanks’. Nothing else.

By 7:30pm he hasn’t heard from the kids, so HE rings them. They did wish him a happy birthday, but said they couldn’t chat as they were about to have dinner do they would call him back. They didn’t call.

I know he feels a bit upset and I feel for him. He makes so much effort with the kids.

When should / do they start being more considerate? I’m tempted to drop it into conversation that DSD needs to make a bit more effort next time she’s here - what do you think?

I should add EW is very bitter and would never suggest the kids call, make an effort etc with dad.

I meant to say I bought the card, present etc.....

Hello NorthernSpirit 👋🏼
It is a really difficult situation, and I can completely understand why you feel as you do.

This is the short version, as I'm about to do the school run, but my advice is - focus on the long game and don't do anything about it. Just focus on modelling the behaviour you want. Relentlessly be what you want to see in her.

It's a tricky age and they do grow out of it. My quite moody 12 year old DSD1 blossomed into the most delightful 23 year old you could wish to meet, and takes the lead on all birthday remembering.

I really recommend reading The Step Parents' Parachute by Flora MacEvedy. It was a lifeline for me where other books just didn't help much.

It gets easier, I promise.

@OrdinaryGirl - thanks for the advice, really appreciate that.

Wow what a fuss you've just made. I'm guessing you did lots of bday celebrations for your parents and expect the same?...
you made you dp feel sorry for himself for no reason. Dc are dc and my bday was two days ago, I got a grunt from one and the other one said happy bday one I asked for a bday kiss. I rp and do everything for them, but that's children.
Don't add a negative to a situation that isn't needed, especially saying I think I'll have a word - dp should have a word if he feels upset not you.

Not made a fuss at all @stuckbetweenlife. We hardly celebrated birthdays growing up, although we were taught the manners to wish people a happy birthday or send a card. I guess we have different values?

Not sure how you know I made my OH feel bad? Where you around that day to witness my behaviour and see for yourself what went on? My OH sucks it up. But I think kids need to be taught the art of giving as well as receiving.

I didn’t ‘make a fuss’ just simply thought it might be nice for the kids to do something for their dad for a change (even a simple text message). Obviously it was too much to expect an almost 14 year old child to wish her own dad a happy birthday.

I was brought up to wish people a happy birthday. IMO it’s polite. I’ll continue to model that behaviour as per other posters have suggested.

I'm not sure pretending not to care that his daughter didn't seem to care at all about the bday is a way to teach her. I think if it's important for your DH (mine always says how he doesn't care about his own bday), he should tell the kids. If they are close and love him, they will make an effort next time.
My 18 y.o. SS forgot an invitation from us once and made other plans. My DH expressed his discontent to him, it hasn't happened again.... for now....

It the way you talk and the tone you use and the way you refer to ' Oh sucked it up' Suck what up?
And what a response back. But then again it is you, and you do like to tell posters to return back to court but I see that you yourself only have the dc EOW.

I have teens. When Father's Day, Xmas, birthday is close I remind the kids to organise something. They pay for a cheap gift at the very last minute possible and take it to their Dad's after I remind them not to forget it.
Their Dad hasn't done any of this since the divorce. What happens is when they were young, I took them to a shop and they bought something within that budget. They would wrap it up and present it to me on my special days. Now they will order something online or pop to the shops after school. I've instructed them not to spend more than a fiver on me and that if they feel that's not a lot then they are free to lavish me with luxury gifts when they have jobs. 😂

Does your h help them organise stuff for their mum's special days?

I should add EW is very bitter and would never suggest the kids call, make an effort etc with dad.

Yes, this post could never have been possible without the usual digs at the EW.

Kids are notoriously thoughtless, even loving caring ones. They get so focused on what's going on in their own wee world they don't always think about others, even the people they love dearly.

If it makes you feel any better, today is my birthday. My MIL is staying with us, which I actually like 'cos we get on really well, but other than that every single member of my family is away. My 2 are currently travelling and so I dare say they'll txt me when their time zones tick over to today. DP's 3 probably won't touch base at all (they don't usually bother with their Dad, let alone me!) Actually I know for a fact that the eldest SD won't, she never does. Middle SD might, it's hard to say, SS is with DP and will assume that DP's birthday wishes cover him too. They've always been that way and probably always will be, and whilst it hurt when they were younger, it doesn't bother me now.

Bottom line, you can't force it. If your DP is hurt by it, he needs to address it with them as he sees fit, or not. Kids not making a fuss or forgetting their parent's birthday doesn't mean they don't love them, it just means they're focused on something else. Hell I forgot my Dad's birthday last year and he's 87 - you think I'd remember it after all these years!

Unless he reminds them when it's a special day on his weekend I dont really see why his first wife should be expected to prompt them. If she's not reciprocating then that is pretty poor.

Honestly @NorthernSpirit I'd leave it & do as @Anuta77 says - lead by example as it were.
My dp experiences very similar & his are almost 19, 15 & 13.
This year for Xmas he got a tea towel from them & nothing for his birthday - same for birthday every year. Last Xmas we had just gotten engaged and they bought him a bunch of really expensive stuff but nothing for me (as usual). They had obviously been given money by their dm as there's no way they could afford it themselves.
This Xmas & Birthday I felt very bad for him & my kids did their usual in getting him both a birthday & Xmas gift out of their own money (always unprompted by me). Dp was very grateful but also upset. And I too felt bad when my daughter innocently showed his son the gift they'd bought dp. But then I thought sod it - maybe they need to see how other people behave & how others enjoy giving.
Thing is, I feel if he's upset with his kids re stuff like this HE needs to talk to them about it and set them straight about manners - esp as he still makes sure they have money to get their dm something even though both older teens seem have plenty of money & are perfectly capable of getting off their arses & buying both their parents a proper gift.

What does your DP do on their birthdays? Does he ever text them?

Does your DP buy cards and presents on behalf of the DCs for their DM on her birthday and special occasions? It’s a two way street.