Is it normal to not get along and dislike your step child?

[Chey11312]

So alittle back story before getting into real reason. My husband and I got together when his daughter was 5 and my son was 3. We got through all the milestones of indrocuing the kids and moving in together. We are now married and have a son together and another on the way. I have soul custody of my son so he sees my husband as his father and we have my step daughter most of the time probably 5 days out of the 7 day week. Her mother pretty much buys her daughters love. I get her ready for school everyday and do her homework with her after school everyday. Now at first we didnt get along which I kind of expected I never had a daughter and tried to understand what it's like. 4 years later and I just cant get along with the child. She really gets on my nerves. She gets away with everything shes the total opposite of me. Shes messy yells and talks back honestly she acts like a teenager. And since shes the oldest she tries to get away wi th alot when it comes to my oldest son. My son has a slight disability from going through a rough 2 yrs of his life with my ex so he has PTSD and I think she kind of takes advantage of that and gets him into trouble when it's her causing it. I'm not happy when shes at our house and I act totally different and I think my husband knows this. Ots hard cuz I have her the most and I try not to discipline her cuz shes not really mine but since we have her the most I kinda have to keep the same rules I'm at a lose

Why does her mother not have her? And have you sat down with your husband and talked about both getting on top of the discipline and where you both stand. She will get a whole lot worse with age if she think she can walk over you.

If she’s with you more than anyone then her behaviour must be down at least in part to what she’s allowed to get away with. Of course you have to be able to discipline her, who else is going to do it?

What is she getting away with? Why is she yelling?

With 5/7 days a week her time with you should be normal every day life with routine and boundaries and fun and boring chores and school and movie nights and homework and days out and all the stuff that makes the days tick over week by week. In many ways I think that’s easier for everyone than a child fitting in with life in your home every other weekend. Your home, the other children, the rules, the rituals, are her normal so what do you think’s going on that’s making life feel difficult?

You try not to discipline her yet you have her the most and then have the audacity to blame the child for her behaviour. It sounds like you all need to sit down and agree how your going to parent the poor child and to all take some responsibility for her

Her mother and my husband dont have court order visitation and her mother pretty much gets her and drops her off when ever the girl has no routine at all and here I have to have routine with my boys especially with my oldest with PTSD. I've talked to my husband about discipline hes gotten better lately with allowing me to do it and him not stepping in and interfering and letting her get away with stuff... I know her mother let's her do anything she wants when sjes with her pretty much cuz shes the only kid there. It's so hard to get this kid on a routine when her mother wont use communication. I could ask her something like for example. New years I messaged her a week before new yrs asking if she had plans with her cuz we did and wanted to know what was going on. She never replied or talked to us about what was happening we had her two nights before new yrs and we heard through family and friends she was going around asking for a sitter for her... came down to it my husband messaged her mother and said we are keeping her again. I myself has tried talking to her mother about an actual schedule for her but dwell fo it for a few days then drops her daughter off when ever then comes and gets her when ever. I feel bad cuz once we had her a Thursday and her mother messaged my husband on Friday morning at work saying keep her for Friday and satirday night I'll get her Sunday.. we found out she went out drinking the whole weekend which is fine I dont care but for her daughter to come home finding out she isnt gonna see her mom for another 2 days like it upset her and then Monday comes around we get her back and she tell me her mother went and spent 90$ on clothes for her .. this was the weekend before christmas... it's hard cuz I dont get along wi th my sd at all cuz of her behavior and likes but then I fell bad for her cuz of her mother...

She has two equal parents who are equally responsible for her wellbeing. Saying there’s no court order or arrangement and therefore her mum gets to take her whenever she wants is a cop out I’m afraid. She’s only 9, she’s clearly struggling with not having a clue where she’s going to be when - I’m in my 30s and I couldn’t cope not knowing where I’m going to sleep each night! - so your husband needs to get a proper routine in place ASAP. He needs to write up a schedule and if she won’t stick to it then he needs to arrange mediation and if that doesn’t work then he needs to go to court. He can self represent without a lawyer for about £200. Surely that’s worth doing so this little girl has some consistency in her life.

Her mum sounds crap but he’s no better if he’s letting his child be pulled from pillar to post with no regular contact schedule leaving her confused, probably upset and angry. If he’s leaving the bulk of the parenting to you he has no right to dictate how you do it either and you need to parent her as you would one of your own or the child of a friend - kindly, calmly, firmly, consistently. My DSD is 9 and she has her occasional grumps but we don’t have any “yelling”. That’s not normal behaviour so rather than assuming she’s being a pain to annoy you, you have to see it as a sign that she’s desperately unsettled, as we all would be if we had no routine at all.

This is where the problem is I love my husband to death but neither of then will go to court she knows if she were to ever take us to court she would be shit out luck when it came to having her daughter pretty much when ever she wanted and benefit her even though I love when she threatens it to me when soemthing doesn't go her way. I've told my husband multiple times soemthing needs to be done and done now before she hits her teens cuz then she is gonna be even worse and I having 3 other kids am not gonna pick up the slack of her biological parents. If I have to in the future I will myself give it to her mother about this scehdual bull crap . She knows we are saving her money cuz I dont work cuz of my son so instead of my husband and her splitting daycare I watch her. Which can be super hard during the summer time when shes here alot and I have to be the one to discipline her the have her mother pick her up just to go take her and spoiler her. I'm in su ch a tough spot. Not getting along with the kid then having to deal with her mother... thank God my husband knows how much I love him to feel with this shit(though he does put up with some stuff with my sons ptsd)

If he refuses to organise a proper contact schedule, which is what his daughter, your children and you really need, AND back you up on appropriate boundaries when she’s with you, then tell him you’re not doing childcare anymore and he can pay for holiday club. How can you possibly make plans when you don’t know when you’re having her?

Love has nothing to do with it OP. He’s being a bad parent to a confused little girl and he’s not acting in her best interests. This is having a negative impact on everyone and it’s not sustainable.

Oh, and you don’t have any obligation to have any contact with her mum. That’s his job. It’s not your responsibility. Neither of them gets to make plans on your time.

If her father won't go to court and get a stable access plan in place he's not a good dad. He's happy to watch you be run ragged and is doing nothing to help his daughter - I'm not surprised that she's behaving like this, her life is chaotic. Her mum will palm her off on anyone unless you take her. How do you think that feels for her?

And you're just supposed to suck it up. When do you get a break? Does he do his share of childcare and housework?

These are not the actions of a man who loves you or his kids in any way I'm familiar with. He'd rather you and the kids live like this than stand up to his ex and actually be a responsible adult.

They're both failing their child because she had no structure or boundaries. It's no good for her and will damage her in the long term. It's bad for you and the family too because you're all dealing with the fall out. If you're left to parent her the majority of the time then you must be able to discipline her and be involved in decision making.

If her parents are willing to do that then I really don't know what options you have other than be willing to walk away if this doesn't improve.

Don't blame her though, she may be difficult but she's not at fault for what's going on around her.

*aren't willing

I would take a step back if I was you. Your husband sometimes lets you discipline her and sometimes doesn’t and then he won’t go to court to get visitation sorted. He doesn’t have to get visitation sorted because you are sitting there like a door mat. ( I don’t mean to be horrible when saying that). You have to tell him that you are not his personal childcare and you are not doing it anymore. You clearly have enough going on with your own kids without his and his lovely ex wife on top of it! I would tell him, you can do two days per week of minding but after that, he can work out childcare for himself.. if he wants to go to court and get it all worked out, you will help him and work with the plan the courts give you but if not, it two days or nothing. If you don’t put your foot down now, this will get so much worse and I think you know that anyway.❤️

Your son gain a father, this girl, already rejected by her mother suddenly have to share her father with three more kids.

Her mother doesn't want her, you don't want her and the only focus is about her behaviour because it's inconvenient. Your son gets sympathy because of his past, this girl gets none. It sounds like she's the kid who all could do without but can't get rid of so she has to be tolerated but only if she's going to be no trouble at all. Poor poor kid.

You're right it's only going to get worse, but not because of a lack of schedule or discipline but because this kid is losing out on unconditional love and attention.

You don’t have a SD problem, you have a DH problem.

It’s quite common for siblings (and resident step-siblings) of kids with MH issues to act up. You are sitting on a time bomb with your own kids too. Suggest if you aren’t already that you seek proper medical advice as to how to deal with your son’s PTSD — it’s really easy to blame / scapegoat other siblings for the stuff they do, and it seems your DSD is being scapegoated because she isn’t yours.

I’d behave badly if I was nine and had to live with someone who obviously disliked me!

You are will to accept your son has problems because of his past yet you are unwilling to accept your DSD's behaviour is possibly because of her past and frankly her present.

Her mum does not want her and her dad has introduced 3 more children plus you in to her life within 4 years and shes expected to just get on with it!

She will see and feel the inequality within the family. At 10 she is not mature enough to express how she feels so bad behaviour is the result.

Your DH can and should decide on a contact arrangement thats within his childs best interests. If mum does not like it then she can start court proceedings. If you have her 5 out of 7 days it could be argued he is resident parent.

You are angry and frustrated at the situation and instead if directing that at her parents you take it out on her.

This little girl deserves some kindness and understanding about the mess the adults in her life have caused.

Some adults give no thought to the child that already exists and just keep producing more expecting them to get on with it. They are ignorant to the damage it causes and ultimately end up blaming the child who at no point had any control in the decisions that cause a negative impact.

They can't have it both ways (dh & exw) , op. They can't do none of the parenting, but have 100% control. You're angry at them, not at a little girl whose parents don't give a shit about her. Imagine writing the op from your sd's perspective, what would she say about her life?

Your dh won't listen to you, so I would recommend seeing what help you can get from outside agencies to kick this girl's parents up the bum. Children's centre, school, home start, social services... Ask around and see what help is available.

No OP it’s not close to ‘normal’ and my heart goes out to this poor child whose parents are utterly failing her.

1. as every other poster has written, this child needs routine and structure.
2. your DH needs to step up and start parenting. And it starts with the ex. Who is told to set a routine, stick to it, and if she doesn’t, then she risks losing access.
3. you need to decide if this child is a your family or not. Because everything you have written feels like an onerous chore/ a duty that you are fulfilling because you have to. Not because you (as a step parent) have a vested role in ensuring this child is stable, secure and happy.

If I had my DP’s DC 5 days a week and felt this way, I would move heaven and earth with my DP to get him to step up and support me more. So I didn’t feel so drained, wrung out and resentful.
If he wasn’t able to do so then I would hand on heart end my relationship. Because I would know that this child deserves better and if (for whatever valid reason) I wasn’t able to step up and be that kind, loving, stable influence in the life of the child, I would be far better off creating a space so that my DP would and I would pivot my attention back to my DC.

I agree with the PP. Too many people don’t put the needs of their existing families first, you have a son with PTSD, he has an unstable ex and child with emotional issues, yet you’ve thrown more kids into the mix.

I am normally the poster super supportive of step parents and I do think your DP hasn’t stepped up and fulfilled his role as a parent, which plays a part in how you feel.

But my heart feels intensely sad for this poor child, or just needs stability, routine, discipline and lots of unconditional love.

I feel for you!

I also have a horrible step-daughter, so I know how it is.

Children, just like adults, are people. And some of them are horrible manipulative monsters.

Your husband is being selfish and lazy by not organizing a schedule with his Ex or disciplining his daughter. Both he and his ex are dumping on you, as well as the daughter.

I hope you can speak with him and find a resolution.

Good luck!

I agree some children can be monsters. They are what they see day in day out. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Children, just like adults, are people. And some of them are horrible manipulative monsters.

Children lack the maturity and life experience adults do. They struggle to manage adult situations yet are thrown in to them and expected to cope They struggle to make informed choices because they are children.
Why adults expect children to behave like adults amazes me! It just shows the stupidity and ignorance of the adult imo.