How to re-engage DSS?

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

Been with DH 10 years, DSS 11. Always has great relationship. Never over stepped the mark, always there for him when needed but not tried overly to parent. However taught him useful life skills, how to swim, interest in running, baking and cooking. DH always been a present father, paid support etc. DSS mother leads a chaotic life .....
4 months ago, DSS went through a difficult patch driven by a tough time with his mother(witnessed abuse by both her ex partner and her parents) he withdrew from DH and me entirely. We planned a 5 week holiday with him included. He refused to come. Said he wanted my DH and me to die, didn't think DH was a parent to him - more a nice uncle. DH has slowly got DSS back on side but he seems very wary of me still. During the period of upset our usual access pattern went out the window as DSS would only visit when I wasn't present. I'm keen for new year/new start and to get a solid access plan in place when we return and try to get back to normality. DH happy to eb and flow, however I feel this will lead to a pattern of DSS just coming over when I'm not home therefore further escalation of the problem ...... Any tips or advice on how to handle this ?

Did DSS have any counselling type help for the traumatic incident?

Something isn’t adding up here. Something has been said to him to spook him into such an abrupt about face. If a child has a secure attachment to a parent, it isn’t undermined by simply one event.

I would try a few things

1. what does the SS’s school say? Has this upset also derailed his academic life/ schooling?
2. if he has witnessed abuse and this is documented, how is the mother still the primary carer? ( it sounds like she is)
3. I agree with your DH’s approach for now. This is not about you and what you think but what the child is showing you he needs. They need time together and hopefully he will open up and talk to your DH about what is troubling him.

I would just add if anything happened with myself or my ExH that was this traumatic for the child. I would love heaven and earth to ensure my child was in the safest environment. Not witnessing/ at risk of witnessing abuse

Do you have any idea of why his feelings towards you changed so dramatically? I'm guessing somebody on his mum's side has said something dramatically untrue about you.

DSS's mother told him I am the reason his mum and dad aren't together (untrue). We are currently seeking going through court to change access (slow process) and yes DSS witnessed a physical altercation between her and her parents, plus the emotional distress of a relationship breakdown, plus the subsequent substance abuse by DSS due to this. Very messy ....

I would get counseling for your SS.
Unfortunately, some children have very strong loyalty for their mothers (it's a personality trait, my son for example, isn't like that and despite his father being disrespectful towards me and not being in contact with him, still enjoys talking to him the rare times that he calls), so if the mother manipulates, it's very hard to deal with. At some point your husband should explain to me that it's not true....

His school work is plummeting, he is getting counseling at school but that is driven by his mother and we have no access to this as she refuses to site DH on any school paperwork claiming he is an absent father.

I’m sorry Op but something is off about your posts. If your DH has parental responsibility then she cannot ‘leave him off’ anything. This goes for all school / medical records and anything to do with his son.

If she is able to mark him as an absent father it’s because he is. If he had been involved in his DS’s schooling, attending parent evenings, and remaining in regular contact with the school (as all responsible parents do) then this wouldn’t be possible. So why hasn’t he exercised his parental responsibility? Or does he not have it?

Equally, if there are serious concerns about he welfare of a child (such as witnessing a physical altercation) then you can make an emergency application at a court that can be heard in days, not weeks.

This whole thread makes no sense to me. Your DH should be in that school having meetings with the teachers/ head teachers and working with the school to get his school back on track. Why isn’t he?

There does seem to be a huge backstory to this. Can’t imagine why everything was fine between you and him for 10 years then suddenly due to a comment by his dm that you were to blame for the marriage breakup would provoke this hostility towards you. Sounds like his anger is due to more than this, and involves you and his DF.

No back story, amazing relationship til this point. Birthday was just before things changed and he gave me a beautiful gift and a very heart felt card (I'm lucky to have you as my step mum etc)
Then the lights went off ......
We have tried again and again to get access to school, her last partner is the official contact and until her fee's are up to date DH can't get his name as official parent unless he wants to be liable for a 10k debt which isn't his. He pays over and above in terms of maintenance, she picked the school - fee paying Christian. Not DH. She is known for making bad decisions in terms of money and often ploughed DSS's maintenance into her failing business. Leaving DH to pick up the short fall when she can't make rent.
We've tried emergency intervention but she threatened to 'disappear' with DSS so trying a more softly, softy approach. You can't reason with crazy !

Hi OP. I just want to say from experience that when there’s an upheaval or traumatic event with a child’s more chaotic parent, the child will often disengage with the stable constant parent. It’s transference- the child knows the stable parent wont disappear if they treat you badly. I’ve seen it so often in my family, particularly with teens and preteens that it’s almost normal.

How to reengage is tricky because you can’t predict how your efforts will land. Your dp will have to do what feels right and keep doing It. Your dss will see that you are both there the same as ever and you always will be.

Very hard and you can’t help feeling hurt even if you can see that this is somehow an 11 year olds coping mechanism to get through living with his mum. It’s a very long game.

It seems like DSS not only has seen his mum abused by the new partner, but judging by his changing relationship with your DP (and his easy acceptance of it), that he might have seen your DP abuse his mum too at some point (verbally or emotionally if not physically). Abuse he might be blaming him for considering he doesn’t abuse you.

I suggest you stay out of this. It DSS doesn’t want to see you then don’t push. The VIP relationship here is the one between DSS / your DP and any half-siblings.

@Cherries101 how has DH ever abused DSS mother. How was that conclusion reached ?
Very curious on that front .........

It seems very similar to PTSD symptoms my sister’s DSD had after watching a man physically abuse his mum in front of him. Turned out Bil had bad done the same when DSD was younger and the memories came back (the counsellor even told my sister that abuse victims have a type and that she should have suspected something). Whether that’s the case for you I don’t know but it all has a very similar pattern — right down to the DSS behaviour. This really does need a therapist’s involvement.