DSD always using my stuff

[Dollyparton3]

I'm trying to explain this without sounding like a complete tightwad - I know I'll be flamed if I do.

DSD has recently developed a habit of using all of my stuff. Toiletries mainly and I tend to buy relatively good stuff, shampoo/conditioner is professional, tinted moisturiser is a good (ish) brand, daily tan lotion is middle of the road etc.

A few months ago I found a number of my products in DSD's room and mostly empty, no idea how long they'd been there but she tends to plaster everything on so and most of them were full when they went missing. Her dad had a chat with her about asking permission to borrow things and not just taking them on the spot about it.

Now its a bit of a epidemic, she's returned to her mum's this week after xmas and I'm spotting all sorts of things that have gone missing in various forms. Fake tan has been mostly used up (and left in my bathroom so she's been using it whilst I'm at work then putting it back) my deep conditioner was left in her bathroom along with shower gel, cleanser, shampoo etc. There's not even any subtlety to this approach, I have to go and search for it!

I could go on. Make up remover, deodorant, hair serum, face mitts, bubble bath etc etc. The one that topped it off was when I found the empty packet of sanitary products in her bathroom drawer, I kinda might need to know in a hurry that I'm out of them!

I tried a strategy at christmas of buying her lots of "naice" bits in her stocking so that she wouldn't use all of mine, they went home to her mums because "I dont have naice things at mum's house".

What do I do here? Do I put a lock on my bathroom? Do I have words? I dont want to downgrade my toiletries because it's one of my very few luxuries but I use it sparingly. She's caning her way through everything I own!

I should add that I've been out this week and bought her one of everything but supermarket versions. Pantene, Sure, etc. She has a generous allowance from us and two part time jobs so we're not being brutally frugal. I can guarantee though that these will soon disappear and I've just fudged a solution in the short term.

I have 4 teen DDs only one of them is a b*gger for taking stuff without asking - the borrowing of usable stuff, not looked after and broken stuff...

Seriously I would have a cupboard or if you have your own en suite just have a lock on it.

Buy decent stuff for her use (as opposed to value) and accept some of it will end up at her Mums!

As she gets older could she have a pocket money allowance that covers her buying her own beauty products so she has a more invested approach to use them wisely?

If I could lock my stuff away I would! My DD gets indignant about being asked as a first port of call "have you taken x" - but she has earned the badge!

X post!

Yep taking the piss and probably as a way of sticking the V up at you...

Also do an Aussie hair care dupe

What’s Also?

Also = ALDI
sorry I should preview my posts

I’d dock the allowance until I was paid back for everything she’s used. I’d also lock things away and explain it’s because she’s a thief and can’t be trusted, again dock the allowance to pay for whatever lock box/similar you use. If she behaves like this in a house share (at uni/first big job) she’s going to have issues so you need to nip it in the bud now.

Alternatively if you’re paying for the car, just stop. Explain you aren’t funding an expensive lifestyle choice for someone with so little respect for you and your possessions (and id include the food going stale/room a tip in that).

At 18 how does she need an allowance ! She works? My. Mother and father didn't give me so much as £1 for the bus! All makeup products toiletries phone bills everything I had to pay for. She is an adult. Dd or dsd that would be it for me. Makeup remover at 1am! Use water n tissue or a wet wipe! You are too soft she is takin the piss! Stop the allowance lock your stuff away and have a firm word!

Lock box for your stuff. Don’t mention it.

Keep the next empty bottles you have of nice stuff (sounds like you’ll soon have some at the rate she goes through stuff), rinse and refil with reasonable/dupe brand and leave out in your bathroom in their usual place. Continue to ask for them back and get grumpy about them. You ignore these and just use the real ones in your lock box.

She is happy thinking she is using your naice products. If she starts to think they’re not worth paying the extra for - great. Bonus win.

You are happy using your own products and not losing them to dsd...

@rosablue you're a genius, the double bluff is an awesome plan! I could totally get on board with doing that

@redtulip19 do others stop allowance when they're still in school? I think I read another debate on here before where people were flames for suggesting that allowances stop when they can get a part time job.

I'm with you, I didnt get a bean from my parents

@redtulip19 do others stop allowance when they're still in school? I think I read another debate on here before where people were flames for suggesting that allowances stop when they can get a part time job.

Allowance stopped here when they got a job.

I think she is really taking the piss-whether she’s a DD or DSD!

How would you deal with it if she was Nicking her sister or aunt's toiletries? I think that you are too soft imo. At 1am she'd be lucky if I'd chucked a flannel at her.

I have a 17 year old and am regularly amazed how selfish he is. It's taken time to train him in common sense stuff like I go to bed much earlier than him so unless there's an emergency not to wake me after 11pm. In his mind, I'm older so awake when he is.

My SD is also like that, she's 12 now, but thinks that she can take anything that's mine or my son's. She even tried to take my baby or his pushchair out of my hands a few times and I had to explain to her that she needs to ask! But I've always been soft with her, so it continues and last week, I saw her putting my son's toy in her pocket to bring home, without permission of course. She just felt entitled to it. So being soft doesn't work.

I know it's harder because you have a good relationship and you're afraid to be mean and to spoil it. Mothers don't have this worry and scold them, so they behave differently with them.

I kind of like the idea of filling up bottles with cheaper products, but it's a bit dishonest, so I don't know if you'll actually feel good about it. But how about telling her very seriously that you have a budget and you can not supply 2 houses (when I buy something for SD and she wants to take it home, I tell her that if she does it, she'll be exactly in the same situation as before I bought it, she won't have the thing in my place and I can't buy it for her again!). Tell her that she's a grown up and should learn responsibility and that from now on, she will buy her own toiletries. Ideally, you would sit her down with her father. In our case, SD respects the father a lot and his presence has more effect.
Having said this, myself I hide some products that are difficult to buy and only take them out when I take a shower, because I know that talking will not have a 100% effect.

Shes taking the piss, lock up your good stuff and tell her if she wants it use her own money to buy her own, cheeky sod

I feel your pain.

My middle SD is like this, always has been. "Sharing" something with her meant she used 90% of it. She'd raid my make up without asking, cleanser, toner... basically it was visible it was fair game. If it was in our bath room, it was fair game. She only once came looking for stuff in our room and got a short sharp shift from both of us and, as far as I'm aware, didn't do it again. She's now 19 and it still happens a little bit, but as she's moving out soon I ignore it.

I solved the make up issue by telling her that the foundation was specially formulated for older skin and if she used it, it would bring her out in spots and the cleanser etc would make her skin dry and peel (she was 14 at the time for that one so it worked). The rest of it I packed away and hid, and just got out what I needed at the time. It was a nuisance, but the only way to ensure she didn't raid it (locks on the door were not an option for us). I did make sure that she always had the basics of what she needed, just not the premium brands.

As she's got older, if she wanted the expensive/specialist stuff, she had to earn the money to buy it (by doing extra chores etc) and once she started working, she had her own money to spend as she wanted.

Sounds like your DSD is doing it because she's been able to get away with it. She's old enough to know perfectly well that it upsets you, but doesn't care enough to not do it. The waking you up at 1am was totally out of order, and yes, sorry, you do need to take a stand otherwise it's never going to change, and she knows it.

Glad to hear that I'm not the only one suffering from this! I had started hiding a few bits weeks ago, I'm guessing a lot of DD's do this as well as SD's.

The 1am wake up call really annoyed me, especially as I've bought make up remover and various implements for removing it for her in the past.

When we went on holiday last year she turned up with nothing other than her make up, so hair products, deodorant, toothpaste, etc was all expected to be supplied by me. Her excuse. "I didn't have any room in my suitcase". No, not after you'd packed 9 pairs of shoes for the trip.

I'm guessing I'm enabling this gig now so tough love is needed: especially after I bought all of the things she would need less than a month ago and it's all been taken home with her.

It seems a passive aggressive way of sticking two fingers up at you, your privacy, your ownership of the stuff, your authority over her and flaunting her disrespect for you. Maybe a bit strong but I'd be livid.
Could you sit her down and talk about it. Pointing out the above and asking what she thinks and pointing out you do a lot for her etc etc

I think it can be a sign of closeness/flattery to pinch things from family members. I used to use my Mums things all the time. And lets not forget, the teenage brain is still not fully developed. Teenagers ARE by their very nature selfish and it doesn't quite compute in their heads that when they do take stuff and use or not put back, that it's as bad as you make out.

I think back to when I was a teen and how I treated my Step dad. I'm ashamed at how I treated him! Ashamed! Amongst other things I took his things, I snook in to his office to get stationary... the only real thought on my mind was 'I have to do X,Y,Z and I can't wait to ask'.

I did the same to my Brother and my Mum. And this is going to sound so self-congratulatory but I've turned out to be an empathic, generous and thoughtful person. Try not to judge the teens so harshly, because it's like they've been taken over by a selfish zombie virus.

Oh, and if I were you.... I'd lower her 'allowance' to make the point that you find it irksome she uses all of your toiletries.

That sounds awful OP. Really awful and probably causing a bit of inner turmoil for you as the step mum.

I don't have step children so forgive me for my ignorance, but you said in the OP that she claims not to have nice things at her mum's place, and only value items are purchased. Could it be that because they can't afford more luxury items she can't believe her luck and is making the most of it while she can? Or that as you are the person her dad has chosen to be with, she is trying to emulate you? You and your DH sound extremely generous (I would have died for step parents like you, I wasn't offered more than a water by my step mum), and I don't think that you should stop being kind, but rather adjust your kindness.

Could you, as others have suggested, lock away your expensive stuff and for a while (3-6) months just use middle ranges like Pantene, boots, Superdrug stuff, so that she sees that you are everyday people who use everyday items too. Maybe even throw in the value range of hand wash (leave the bottle in full view, don't decant or anything), and then she will see that you too appreciate such ranges.

I've just had a flashback to a few bust-ups in my teens when my stepdad would spot my sister and I wearing his socks. They just felt so much more luxurious...

Teenagers are self-entitled little brats. That said, you don't need to tolerate it.

I would calmly and good-humouredly tell her that if she wants luxury products she is going to have to figure out a way to afford them herself. Either lock them away or tell her you will be using her allowance for compensation (and if so follow through)'

Regarding her taking the budget toiletries to her mum's, I would let thst slide.

You talk about her fondly enough despite this and lets face it the AUDACITY of her coming into your room at 1am means at the very least she is very comfortable with you. It's nice you get her toiletries when her mum doesnt, she must feel very well taken care of.

The house and lifestyle sound lovely btw, can I come live there???

Surely you could have brought her nicer shampoo than Pantene?

What’s wrong with Pantene? when I was a teenager I was provided with necessary toiletries (supermarket or Superdrug own brand, etc), anything nicer than that I was expected to buy out of my pocket money/allowance. I would have been delighted to have been bought a some Pantene shampoo and conditioner as a young teenager!

How you want to go about addressing it is up to you OP, but I don’t personally see it as flattering or endearing that she is stealing your products when she has funds to buy her own. I also don’t see why you and her father should be providing her with personal toiletries when she stays at yours... she’s an adult, she should be bringing her own toiletries and if she doesn’t want to carry bottles etc about she should invest in some to leave at your house!

Similar thoughts @Bellatrix14, I think that Pantene can be actually luxurious and does my hair more good than some of the salon brands. Pantene isn't awful, so don't feel bad OP.

"It seems a passive aggressive way of sticking two fingers up at you, your privacy, your ownership of the stuff, your authority over her and flaunting her disrespect for you. Maybe a bit strong but I'd be livid.
Could you sit her down and talk about it. Pointing out the above and asking what she thinks and pointing out you do a lot for her etc etc"

I was thinking this too - possibly an amount of "my mum cant afford this stuff and thats not fair - I'll take her the stuff you give me, and you are loaded so I'll use all yours because why should you have all the nice things?"

Had a housemate once that used to do this with my stuff. I filled an empty conditioner with a hair dye and waited for the screams but I don’t suppose you can do that with a step daughter so perhaps a more stern word is in order?