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Original poster

DSD always using my stuff

74 replies

Dollyparton3 · 04/01/2019 12:59

I'm trying to explain this without sounding like a complete tightwad - I know I'll be flamed if I do.

DSD has recently developed a habit of using all of my stuff. Toiletries mainly and I tend to buy relatively good stuff, shampoo/conditioner is professional, tinted moisturiser is a good (ish) brand, daily tan lotion is middle of the road etc.

A few months ago I found a number of my products in DSD's room and mostly empty, no idea how long they'd been there but she tends to plaster everything on so and most of them were full when they went missing. Her dad had a chat with her about asking permission to borrow things and not just taking them on the spot about it.

Now its a bit of a epidemic, she's returned to her mum's this week after xmas and I'm spotting all sorts of things that have gone missing in various forms. Fake tan has been mostly used up (and left in my bathroom so she's been using it whilst I'm at work then putting it back) my deep conditioner was left in her bathroom along with shower gel, cleanser, shampoo etc. There's not even any subtlety to this approach, I have to go and search for it!

I could go on. Make up remover, deodorant, hair serum, face mitts, bubble bath etc etc. The one that topped it off was when I found the empty packet of sanitary products in her bathroom drawer, I kinda might need to know in a hurry that I'm out of them!

I tried a strategy at christmas of buying her lots of "naice" bits in her stocking so that she wouldn't use all of mine, they went home to her mums because "I dont have naice things at mum's house".

What do I do here? Do I put a lock on my bathroom? Do I have words? I dont want to downgrade my toiletries because it's one of my very few luxuries but I use it sparingly. She's caning her way through everything I own!

I should add that I've been out this week and bought her one of everything but supermarket versions. Pantene, Sure, etc. She has a generous allowance from us and two part time jobs so we're not being brutally frugal. I can guarantee though that these will soon disappear and I've just fudged a solution in the short term.

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Rosieposie9 · 04/01/2019 14:20

You shouldn't have to lock your stuff away in your own house and at 18 she should know better. The 'step' element is irrelevant it's theft however you look at it and she's been asked to stop already. I would be telling her she can't stay in the house when there's no one there if she can't stop helping herself to other peoples stuff. She's old enough to buy her own especially if she's working!

Original poster
Dollyparton3 · 04/01/2019 14:34

It's a true story. Don't get me wrong, she's a delight most of the time but really has no shame when it comes to her sense of entitlement. we've had to put locks on all the booze bottles over xmas because she was drinking more than we were comfortable with supplying.

We do have a "mi-casa su-casa" policy. Both teens treat our house as their home and we encourage them to do that, including generously stocking the cupboards/fridge, paying for phones, netflix, spotify etc. There's nothing that they go without. But DSD will happily pick at what I've cooked then raid the cupboards for what she wants, leave her room in a tip, open food and leave it to go stale/off etc. If it were up to me I'd reduce the allowance to pay for this but I'm conscious of picking our battles. Hence the cheap stock up of toiletries a few weeks ago.

And don't get me started on trying to get her to do any sort of chore around the house......you'd think I was running a hotel.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 04/01/2019 16:32

Buy a lockable box and put all your toiletries in it when she comes.

I would do this.

HeckyPeck · 04/01/2019 16:34

And when she asks for something I’d go to the stock of cheaper stuff and give her something from there.

She’s old enough to be buying her own expensive items. Absolutely o excuse for stealing yours!

Cherries101 · 04/01/2019 16:39

Just lock your expensive stuff away and keep saying no when she asks for it. She’s behaving like a madam — I bet she doesn’t do this to her mum.

user1457017537 · 04/01/2019 16:43

At 18 she can get a job and buy her own products. Even if she’s studying get a part-time job. She’s a CF

jackio2205 · 04/01/2019 16:50

Honestly I think a little 'mickey taking' is in order, she's 18, you get on well, no need to get all serious over some products (i grew up with a little sister so know aaaaaall to well about theiving, haha!) i'd take her shopping, get her her own stuff to absolutely keep at yours, joke about you needing stuff or have to go finding it. Honestly I don't think there is any teenager that actually understands about property until they have some, so you can't get worked up over it coz you'll be the only one, although its daaaaaaaaaam annoying, cant fall out over shampoo though, so start taking the mick a bit, call it out like it is i say, dont make it into a huge deal (although technically its theft, but shes family and obviously you have good taste!) x

Holidayshopping · 04/01/2019 16:57

I’d get some sort of drawer/box/cabinet with a lock and put your nice stuff in there. Tell her to bring the stuff you bought her for Christmas with her or leave it at yours.

My DD is a similar age and doesn’t take the piss like that-she is being really rude!

It’s hardly like you bought her Tesco value stuff-what’s wrong with Pantene?!

Original poster
Dollyparton3 · 04/01/2019 17:49

She definitely doesn't do this with her mum. Her mum is value range all the way (so we've been told) hence why I think the stuff I bought her gravitates to that house.

But I like the idea of locking it up then Mickey taking and perhaps having a stash at mine to hand her to "borrow" when she comes over. I'm envisioning a basket of everything I think she might need that I can jokingly pass to her every time she's at ours, then making sure I get it back for next time she's here.

I do think I'm going to have to start hiding things as well. We're not talking Chanel here but I budget for nice things, the budget is out of the water at the moment!

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldandback · 04/01/2019 18:02

Only the best for these girls! Caught my dd red handed plastering on my Natura Bliss face cream at £180BlushI now actually lock it in my safe. Of course it’s wrong but if it’s right in front of them it’s sometimes too much temptation.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/01/2019 18:19

Rule of thumb I think is that if you wouldn't allow your own kids to do something,then it's perfectly fine to object to step children doing it! So if you wouldn't tolerate this from your own DD, too right to put a stop to DSD helping herself.
There are definitely things I don't allow my DD free access to - I buy her plenty, but mothers are entitled to keep some things for ourselves.
Agree that you shouldn't have to put a lock on your own belongings in your own house, but that will probably have less fallout than banning her from the house and using words like stealing. Agree that teenagers can be massively entitled and don't care to think too much about cost, esp when someone else is footing the bill. But at 18, she needs to learn that she doesn't have a right to other people's property, even if it's her parent's/step parent's.

jessstan2 · 04/01/2019 18:21

Keep your stuff where she cannot get at it. Put out some decent but cheaper things for her to use.

If you do catch her again just tell her it's wrong to use other people's things without asking and that you have noticed she has used quite a bit over time.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 18:54

The waking you up is rude. She could have washed it off with soap and water.

I also thought she was younger.

Tell her yourself..
Directly. I was talking about DD using my stuff to SIL... who is SM to my niece and she said DN does it too.

My DD wouldn't use all my toiletries like that though.

I suggest you keep a spare packet on sanpro in your room. If you talk and there's no change.... then remove your things and lock them up.

OOH it's good she's so comfortable with you... OTOH... it's bloody annoying and disrespectful of her.

And...she's not a thief..... as pp are saying.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/01/2019 18:58

I suppose you could dock her allowance, to cover the cost of replacing what she has used up. Might teach her that these things aren't free

Handsfull13 · 04/01/2019 19:09

But a medicine cabinet with a lock on it and keep all you nice things in it.
She's 18 so she's old enough to know better.

When she takes stuff to her mums because she says she doesn't have nice stuff there remind her if she takes all her stuff there she won't have any in your house.
As for the early morning wake up for make up remover tell her to use and flannel and deal with it.

StephenQueenBooks · 04/01/2019 19:21

Get a little basket or box for her with a can of deodorant, shampoo and conditioner etc (all cheap) and leave it in her room, tell her it stays here for her to use and that it's not on.

My step mum got me a box of toiletries for my room and it was great, it would get refilled when stuff was getting used (from when I was younger and it still goes on). Now and again she lets me use her Aussie stuff if we're going out. Never argus about stuff like that.

I think at her age though she should be buying or bringing her own. I would get my own but my step mum and dad are still in the habit of keeping it filled, makes me feel nice 😊

BruthasTortoise · 04/01/2019 20:48

Is it wrong to say I'd just let her use the stuff and replace it as necessary? I'm taking that she's not working yet so probably has no disposable income as yet. I'm not sure it's something to cause a rift in an otherwise good relationship for - she's on the cusp of independent adulthood so it won't last for long.

HavelockVetinari · 04/01/2019 20:59

@BruthasTortoise it pains me to say this to another Pterry fan, but... RTFT! She has two jobs!

BruthasTortoise · 04/01/2019 21:05

Yeah I saw that but two part time jobs - I'm assuming they're for basics and not luxuries if you see what I mean? I remember what it was like to be a teenager without nice things. The fact that she has to bring her nice things to her Ma's is just a bit sad to me - i wouldn't want to have nicer things than my 18 year old daughter - I would go without to make sure they had better than I had if it came to it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/01/2019 21:15

At 18, I had glorious hair and skin - it's now I'm older that I need better products. I don't think OP should feel bad that she has nicer stuff. It's not like she doesn't buy any nice things for her dsd.

comebacksoonsusan · 04/01/2019 21:47

Crikey, I want nicer things than my teenagers! You build up to fancy face creams and make up.

Original poster
Dollyparton3 · 05/01/2019 09:41

Yep, two jobs and £50 allowance a month from us. We paid for her car as well so all she has to fund in her life is the fun stuff. If you saw what she spends on clothes and eating out you'd be drawing the same line too!

OP posts:
woolduvet · 05/01/2019 10:44

Def lock it away, you work hard for your luxuries. Leave a selection in her bathroom if she chooses to take it to her mum's then replace it with cheaper stuff. She can always buy her favourite with her money or ask for it for birthdays.

Windgate · 05/01/2019 10:57

I bet there's a reason her DM buys value stuff. Entitled and spoilt adult is doing this deliberately.

Berthatydfil · 05/01/2019 11:05

Also do an Aussie hair care dupe and their skin care range sold out in hours when it was first introduced as it was a dupe for la mer (I think) Have a look on Mrs Gloss fb for other dupes and buy those.
I have a dd of a similar age and she uses a range of products from high end (mostly cosmetics) to the ones listed above.
She is a student but she buys her cosmetics eg mac etc herself and she runs a car herself too at her own expense.
Your step dd is taking the mick - it’s not a one off use if she’s off out or runs out but stealing and the taking of san pro and not telling you she’s used it all issue is a piss take as thats not expensive or difficult to replace /buy herself and could be a massive issue for you if you hadn’t found out in time to replace it leaving you in an embarrassing situation so I think you should consider locking your stuff away and tell her why.