I've just had a (tiny) milestone moment – first time DSS12 has gone home after a week and a half with us and I was sad to see him go!
He's a SUPER lovely kid, but after more than a weekend with us I'm usually very ready to say goodbye and see him back with his mum.
No fault of his own, I just find the adjustment of having a young'un around full time a lot to manage – and the change in my DP, and in our usual routines and rhythms – when he's here.
But he just left the house with DP to go back to his mum's and I felt a real pang.
Don't get me wrong, there have been moments over the Xmas period when I've had to leave the house for a few hours to get some space, and it hasn't been 100% roses.
But for me, that little pang represents a lot about how far we've all come in the past couple of years.
Since being part of a relationship that involves my DP's son, I've come up against some sides of myself I didn't like very much – jealousy, leftover pain from my own childhood, resentment, disagreeing with parenting style, frustration.... and I honestly wondered if I was cut out for this, many, many times.
But sticking it out, working through things, and most of all, giving all of this TIME... it really does pay off.
We had a really special Christmas, and DSS and I got even closer, and although some old emotional spikes raised their heads a few times, that little goodbye pang I just felt represents a hell of a lot.
Feeling quite emotional and proud of all three of us, and wanted to share it for anyone who might be in the early days and struggling. It can get easier, you're not a bad person for feeling the feelings you feel, and consistent, small efforts over time can turn into something precious.
I'm under no illusions that it's all going to be bluebirds and Kumbaya from now on, but that sense of sadness to see him go is getting filed firmly in my memory to draw on later.