Wrong or right decision? Do they have a reason to be angry?

[Pokerface81]

My DP has 2DC under 5. His ex had another DC (called DCA for ease) from a previous relationship.

DP and his ex where together 7years, in which he helped bring up DCA, as he rarely had contact with their real dad until the last few years.

When DP and his ex split, DCA went to live with biological dad, and his new wife, as DCA didn’t want to live with his mum. DP’s 2DC stayed with their mum, with 50% contact time with my DP.

DCA is now a teenager, has NC with his mum (over a year) and therefore no contact with his siblings. DCA still has close contact with my DP, through text, calls etc.

DP use to take DC to see DCA quite often, but his ex went mad, saying if DCA wanted to see his siblings it was through her, and that DP has no rights to DCA as he is not his dad. DCA bio dad and step mum have no issue with DP doing so, and encourage it, but his ex has said she will stop contact / access with DP and his DC if he continues. DP has therefore reduce the amount he takes him out, limiting this to birthdays, occasions, and when DC are asking etc.

On C.Day DCA called asking to speak to DC, as he had a present for them and wanted to wish them a merry Christmas. They wernt here, but was coming on Boxing Day. We invited DCA over for dinner, and him and DCs loved spending time together, having their big brother play with their toys etc.

EX has now gone mad, saying we can’t see DC again? That this is cruel, manipulative, and just a way of hurting her? It’s not though, DCA really doesn’t want to be near here, speak to her or anything. When DCA moved to his dads, she didn’t try and stop him and really didn’t care. Why should the DC not see their brother? Are we in the wrong?

Thank you if you’ve managed to read and understand all of the above.

Your not wrong at all, they clearly have a sibling bond. I'd get yourselves some legal advice ASAP and preempt her threats of stopping contact.

It’s really sad for the boy....the more positive male role models boys can have the better.

I know I feel sorry for him too. The other issue that the ex doesn’t know yet, is that we are actually moving in 2019 to the same town as SDC and on the next street to where he lives.
DP and me would like to say to SDC he can come over as much as he wants to see his siblings.
I really struggle with the fact a mother can let one of their children walk away, and have NC at such a young age. That surely damages a relationship forever.

I meant the same town as DCA not SDC (think I need some sleep)

Get legal advice about maintaining the sibling bond and contact

Of course you're not wrong. It seems like DCA only lived with his mum while your DP was there.

Says quite a lot about her and the relationship with her child.

I'd say a formal custody arrangement is required.

If your DP is on their birth certificates he has parental rights and it will be easier to deal with...although she sounds awful.

EX has now gone mad, saying we can’t see DC again? That this is cruel, manipulative, and just a way of hurting her? It’s not though, DCA really doesn’t want to be near here, speak to her or anything. When DCA moved to his dads, she didn’t try and stop him and really didn’t care. Why should the DC not see their brother? Are we in the wrong?

The teenage brother of your children is entitled to form his own relationships with his brothers and ex step dad without referencing his mother. This sounds like the last gasp of a woman who tried to over-control a young teenager and it all went wrong.

Have your dh tell her he will see her in court if she even tries to change the joint access arrangement that has been working so far. I think he should have the thing formalised anyway.

Another vote for going through courts. I would insist on making the fact they continue a relationship with their brother part of the arrangement. No court is going to take her side on this.

I would go for custody as well.

She has no right to dictate what you do when the children are with you and surely most mums would be pleased all her children were having a relationship and would be trying to forge a bond with her oldest child, instead of dictating whom he could and couldn’t see, it all sounds awful. I know it must seem really hard but you are definitely doing the right thing in fighting for the children’s right to have a sibling bond even in the face of their mother’s opposition.

This is terrible. What a horrible woman. DS is NC with his dad which I know hurts him a lot. Thankfully he hasn't stopped his DD from his new relationship to see him. He considers her his sister and even though doesn't miss her, is very happy to see her. She's come to our house or they'll all met at the grand-parents.

How dare she stop contact because of her issues. I would let her blackmail her way into everyone's life and ignore her.

You need legal advice but DCA may well be considered a, "child of the family". I know at least one person who got maintenance for 2 children from their step father.

I can't see a court agreeing to her stopping contact because she doesn't want her children to meet up with their sibling.

Thank you for all your messages and reassurance.

We didn’t think we are in the wrong, as the DC and DCA needs are coming first and they love seeing each other. This isn’t a ‘dig’ or out of spite, this is for the DC.

I do think as a mother you would question yourself if your DC chose to live with a man that’s never really been part of his life, over you when you split with a partner.

It’s like she has no interest in him, as when the DC painted pictures at school of “their family” they included DCA. We had to explain to school who he was.

We have collected the DC today, nothing was said. She messaged saying your going to have to collect the DC as I’m not canceling my NYE plans. My DP knew it was probably more important to her to go out, than restrict contact. We are going to look at getting formal custody / arrangement in the new year.

Good luck