Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Son wants to call my partner Dad?

36 replies

beckylou123 · 27/12/2018 10:31

Me and my partner have only been together just over 4 months however my son has known him for a little under a year as my poor partner tried to persue me for that long and I rejected him repeatedly. Since just before christmas my son who is 7 repeatedly asked me if he can call my partner Dad which I’ve said not yet too as we’re still so early into the relationship and i didn’t really know what to say to my son. He does know his dad but does not see him often only when seeing his auntie (this is his fathers choice). My son then decided that after Christmas he could call my partner Dad and I said we’ll see thinking I can put it off further and he’d forget. But low and behold of course he rememebered and is again now asking that because it’s after Christmas can he call my partner Dad (funnily enough whilst writing this he came and asked) I replied I don’t know. I honestly don’t know how to tackle this with it being so early but I feel bad for saying no. Help?!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
icannotremember · 27/12/2018 10:37

What does your partner think?
Is there any sort of compromise, your ds calling him something other than just his name but which isn't "Dad"? I do see your hesitation and I think you're right to be wary... this is obviously an important relationship to your ds but "Dad" at this stage seems wrong.

tenredthings · 27/12/2018 10:38

Be straight with him, say it's too early , find another special name for him that only your son uses.

lunar1 · 27/12/2018 10:44

How much time is your son spending with him only 4 months into the relationship?

PosiePerkinandPootle · 27/12/2018 10:46

You need to take into account how committed you and your partner are, eg do you live together or have plans to. Also how will his biological dad react, would it rock the boat and jeopardise the already low contact. How would you all feel if that happened. How does your partner feel about being Dad?
It sounds like your DS really loves your partner which is a great start. My friend's DS called her new partner a nickname from shortening his surname. It was unique and special, everyone else knew not to use it.could you come up with something like that if no one else is ready for Dad to be used.

ncasouting · 27/12/2018 10:46

You're only 4 months in. Shock

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 27/12/2018 10:56

Did you mean to say 4 years?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 27/12/2018 10:57

Fuck no! How can you even be considering this? My DS has asked if he can call my DP dad before, and I said no but explained that he is a special adult to him etc. What if you split up next month or next year then meet another boyfriend? Is he going to be the next 'dad'? You need to wait several years. He is in no way a dad figure after 4 months, I'm surprised they've even met.

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 11:55

I agree that it’s far too soon.

Youbrokemytwatometer · 27/12/2018 12:01

Absolutely not. He shouldn't even know he's your boyfriend yet. Be the adult and tell him no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2018 12:04

You say no. He’s 7 and he has a dad!

I’d be worried he’s so fixated on labelling someone he’s only known of for a year as his dad. That’s not normal.

BumbleyBum · 27/12/2018 12:06

You say no, because he isn’t your Dad. Think of a special nickname for him instead.

Schmoobarb · 27/12/2018 12:08

4 months!

No.

Santaisonthesherry · 27/12/2018 12:09

My called dh dad after we got married.
They have never known their birth df.
And never will.

Beamur · 27/12/2018 12:10

He sounds as if he really really wants the 'family unit' Mum, Dad, etc, which is understandable, but it is early days and you're right to be wary of rushing.
I'd try and gently explain this to him - he won't understand otherwise. Don't put a specific time on when it will be ok to say it - you have to be fairly sure this relationship will last and your DP needs to feel comfortable with it. FWIW I'm a step mum and would probably never have been ok with it myself, but other people would - especially if his Dad is rarely around.

NorthernSpirit · 27/12/2018 12:46

No no no.....

You’ve only been with this man 4 months. How long has your son actually known him?

He has a dad, he may be an absent parent but at 7 years old he’s way too young to make that decision. How do you know this is a long term relationship. Will your son call any random dad who comes into their life?

I have SC - met them after I had dated their dad 8 months. I’m now engaged to their dad, have known the kids over 5 years. The kids call me by my first name and I would never ever expect to be called mum or any derivative of it.

goldengummybear · 27/12/2018 13:50

If your son likes rules then say that your partner becomes Dad when you marry him and that would be years in the future when he's at least double digits in age/secondary school.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 27/12/2018 13:53

No!!! You just say NO! He's not his Dad! Years and years down the line, if his own father has nothing to do with him, maybe. It's very sad that he so desperately wants to, though. Poor kid.

OhTheRoses · 27/12/2018 14:05

There are so many inappropriate levels to this it's mind blowing but the bottom li e is that your partner will never be your son's father. Now, next year or even on your 25th wedding anniversary.

I don't understand how this can even be a continuing question. Your partner is not the lad's father therefore he should not be dad. The exception is if you and your partner sustain a very stable long term relationship and adopt the lad with his real father's consent.

My mother had been married to my step father for 14 years when ds1 was born. They genuinely though he was going to be called grandad. He was not my son's grandad and factually could not be. And my father was still alive.

Just explain that to be a daddy a child has to share genes - ad nauseum if necessary. Unless a very special legal arrangement is entered into and that takes a long time and ss and the family court have to be satisfied vis a vis its sustainability.

JoroL · 27/12/2018 14:40

If your partner is ok with it why not?
I've been living with my partner for 3 months and DD introduces me as her step mam, sometimes she calls me Mam sometimes she calls me by my name, she asked me after two weeks of moving in, her bio mam is Mammy so it doesn't cause an issue.

Oct18mummy · 27/12/2018 14:49

No it’s too soon. Wait till your more serious, engaged or married

Youbrokemytwatometer · 27/12/2018 15:15

she asked me after two weeks of moving in

and she should have been told no, that's not appropriate. How ridiculous.

SparklyMagpie · 27/12/2018 15:19

Not a chance would I be happy with this !

SparklyMagpie · 27/12/2018 15:20

@Youbrokemytwatometer I agree! That poster blew my mind! Massively inappropriate

JeremyCorbynsCoat · 27/12/2018 15:20

I'd be wary about it.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, my DS (who's 4) has started to occasionally call him daddy. He doesn't see his father, and hasn't since he was 1.

Although I'm 99% sure that it's come from my partner and I having a DS together, who obviously calls DP 'daddy' - well, dada at the minute but you catch my drift.

4 months is way too early. And 2 weeks is absolutely bloody ridiculous.

StressedToTheMaxx · 27/12/2018 15:47

My dp have been together nearly 5 years.
My daughter has knowen him for 4 years. She asked could she call him dad.
We sat together and he said to her he love her very much just as much as our sin we have together bit it is unfair on her daddy but he will always be like an extra dad to her.
She accepted this and was happy. And no she bearly see's her dad.
But my dp is not her dad and I would never want to confuse reality for her.
You are moving far to far wither your son wants that or not