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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepson

14 replies

Hardtimes123 · 26/12/2018 21:23

I’m finding things really hard with my stepson. He is 8 and comes to us during the week and every other weekend. I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and things are starting to get a lot harder. I’ve never had a good relationship with my stepson and now it’s coming between us. I’ve tried doing stuff with him on our own on with his dad, but doesn’t want to do it. I try and do things he likes but no joy. I will say hi or how was school when I come into a room. I will either get ignored or he will say can’t remember then go back to what he was doing. If I ask him to do something he will give me attitude or ignore me. He has no respect for me or any one really. His dad is so soft and doesn’t have any boundaries or rules. I’ve been hit by him called names and nothing happens to him from his dad. He hits his mum, and can say some really awful stuff to his parents if he doesn’t get his own way. He’s been in trouble twice at school for bullying 2 different kids. It probably doesn’t help that his mum dislikes me. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:

Madlife · 27/12/2018 00:18

You have to be strong and have a tough conversation with your partner. It is not ok for you to be disrespected by his son with no consequences. I would be very worried about his future as he seems abusive and violence. If I was you I would say I have asked you a question, didn't you hear me? I wouldn't do anything with him for him until respect is shown and your partner and his ex partner are the ones to blame for this behaviour. Tbh it doesn't look good that your dad doesn't protect you. He needs to do some parenting here talk to the school and work all together.

swingofthings · 27/12/2018 06:56

I'd stay out of it since the issue is not with you specifically. He sounds like an angry child and his parents need to tackle why that is. Bullies are often kids with self-esteem issues.

What is his dad doing to understand what is going on and help his son stop expressing his anger at school?

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 07:05

I would suggest not parenting him. He has 2 parents already and has no need for a third. Try being his friend instead and getting him to open up to you by spoiling him a little.

ladybee28 · 27/12/2018 14:09

Troubled kid or not, physical violence toward you is completely unacceptable and your DP needs to start parenting his son. No wonder you're at the end of your tether.

Have you talked to your DP about his lack of boundaries and consequences?

If this is him at 8 and nothing is being done - by either parent - to deal with it I'd be seriously thinking about getting out. An 8 year old hitting you with no consequences is bad enough - what happens when he hits puberty?

It's shit for you and it's shit for DSS, but unless your DP is willing to step up then all your trying is utter wasted energy.

CaptainsYuleLog · 27/12/2018 14:24

Tell your DH he will not be welcome in your home if he hits you. Your DH needs to take action. You do NOT have to take violence from a child.

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2018 19:48

Captainyulelog; you can’t bar your 8 yr old child from your home for hitting you. He is how he is due to poor parenting - we’re not talking about a teen here, but an 8 yr old who has been failed by both parents. He needs at least some sort of counselling, not barring from the home making the problem then solely his ex wife’s to deal with.

Youbrokemytwatometer · 27/12/2018 20:26

Agreed. It's the child's home too. Or should his mum bar him from "her home as well and everyone wash their hands of him?

PrettyLovely1 · 27/12/2018 21:27

Hes hit you and called you names and your dh says nothing!
I think you need to have a chat to your dh and tell him to start parenting his child properly or you will leave. Hes 8 now he will get even stronger as he gets older.
Violence should NEVER be tolerated.

Santaisonthesherry · 27/12/2018 21:29

Who cooks and clears up after him? If its you then stop. Leave it ALL up to his df.

CaptainsYuleLog · 28/12/2018 06:53

Of course she can bar him if her DH allows it to happen. Why should she just take it? Violence is wrong, wherever it comes from.

Women have just put up with it for too long. This boy needs to learn he can't do it. That's up to his parents - but he shouldn't be allowed to abuse a woman in her own home.

Livelovebehappy · 28/12/2018 07:39

A parent cannot just throw an 8 yr old out of the home. For example if you didn’t live in the home and it was just DH and Ds and the DS was attacking his DF, do you think it’s acceptable for DF to throw the child out? He could be SN and therefore needs help from someone such as a counsellor to try undo the damage caused by poor parenting. The issue has been partially caused by her DH so he needs to step up and sort the problem, not throw the problem onto his ex to deal with.

CaptainsYuleLog · 28/12/2018 07:59

A woman can refuse to accept violence in her home. Do you think she should just put up with it? Of course the child should not be allowed there until he understands that violence will not be tolerated.

yikesanotherbooboo · 28/12/2018 09:09

Hitting is unacceptable and should be a red line. Your DH needs to concentrate on helping his son to manage his feelings and to feel better about himself and his life. This is a huge priority and may mean you have a back seat for a long time. I agree that an aim for you to become his friend is probably a good plan.He is a child so try very hard not to get wound up by the respect aspect of this ; he isn't old enough to put himself in your shoes. I was given two pieces of advice about bringing up children that struck home.
Firstly make sure that the number of positive things that you say to DC greatly outweighs the number of negative things ( at least 5:1 and ideally 7:1). DC tend to hear the negatives more keenly and this affects their self esteem.
Secondly try to find time for DC every day. It needs only to be 10-20 minutes but is compulsory and cannot be swapped or postponed. During this time DC decides what activity to do and the parent has to do it . It doesn't need to cost anything and can be a round of top trumps or nail painting or bike ride or playing hide and seek or producing a batch of biscuits or whatever. It shouldn't be something you would ordinarily do eg reading/ watching tv. It is an exercise in making DC feel valued and shoring up relationships.
It sounds a very difficult situation for you all.

HeckyPeck · 04/01/2019 16:39

I don’t think I could stay with my DH if he allowed his child to hit me and call me names. With no consequences for him it will only get worse as he gets older.

Do you want to live with a 12 year old, 16 year old, 18 year old who is allowed to hit you?

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