DPs present from DSS

[Suzysuzuki]

I'm really struggling to find the best thing to do when it comes to a gift from DSS (9 but emotionally much younger) to his dad.
Me and DSS mum got on well, can be at events for DSS etc.
DP and I had a baby this year, DSS mum has split up with her partner and it's becoming clear she is struggling with DP having a new family.
Anyway, for Fathers Day I arranged for a joint present from baby and DSS, it was a craft activity that they have both made a mark on. I asked DSS mum if that was ok and she said what a lovely idea and I sent photos of the finished item. All good.
DP has a birthday recently and there is an activity that DP and DSS do when he is here so I got a present from DSS relating to it and a joint one from both kids and messaged DSS mum to say so. She didn't get anything for DSS to give him on his previous birthday. Got a very different reply this time saying she'd sorted something so DP will have double, won't he? I was taken aback so mentioned it to DP, more to check if I'd overstepped the mark. We decided that baby would give all presents I'd bought. Come DPs birthday there is no present or card from DSS and when DP asked him if he'd forgotten it he said his mum didn't get him anything to give! DP was really hurt and I felt like I shouldn't have interfered.
So now we have Christmas and we'll all be waking up together for the first time as he has never had him Christmas Eve. I have other children who have wanted to get DP a gift as well as the gift from baby.
So... do I get a gift from DSS or not? DP says no but I really don't want DSS feeling awful if he hasn't got him anything and my kids have. I don't think I can text and ask her after what happened with DP Birthday. My gut says to get a standby gift in case but DP is against this.

I would definitely get one. I don’t buy my ex anything from the kids so I either expect his partner or family to sort it out and vice versa. If you get him something from your step son and his ex gets something too then he’ll have more presents and i’m Guessing he won’t moan too much about that. Xx

You need to respect your DP’s wishes and stop these presents from the kids as it isn’t working in your family set up and excluding your DSS. Make them from you instead.

Get a gift and give it from both; don’t consult DSSs mum and then if he does come with something then your DP just gets extra.
The first year I was with DH I asked his DD about getting a birthday gift for her dad and she said it was ok as her mum had got him something; come his birthday and nothing appeared. Since then I always take DD to get something and if she appears with anything else then that’s also great, although I think that’s happened once.
Alternatively get something and wait until DSS gets to yours Christmas Eve and see if he had anything with him to give.
I think it’s nice you’ve been consulting his mum but I don’t think it’s necessary. Does your DP take DSS to get his mum a gift?

Get one in far better to have double gifts and dss feeling happy than the alternative

You are making far too much of this

Just get him a couple of gifts and write all the kids names on. Baby, DSS and your kids.
His ex probably feels you are being competitve and tbh sending her a photo with a craft project that your new baby and DSS had their names on or whatever was pretty cruel and a bit twee.

Given you understand it may feel hard for her if she is newly single then why are you rubbing her nose in it?

Besides your DP sounds very childish as what adults actually care about gifts from kids other than say a home made card?

DSS must have felt awful when you asked him why he didn’t have a gift to give

Be a grown up OP.

I say this kindly, i think you're over thinking this a bit. Just get a gift from your step son, I always have for every father's day, birthday and Christmas for my step son to give his dad- I also don't see why you need to involve his ex in the decision to buy something. This is your little family now and that includes your step son so start your own traditions

I'm kind of confused (it's easily done).
Are you expecting the Mum to give her son a present to give his Dad?
Or are you going to get one from the son to his Dad?

I find odd to get different presents from this child or that child for the same person. I just give all of DH's presents from me and the kids and vice versa.

I agree with previous posters. Do you buy a gift to his mum from DSS? If not why should the ex get involved in his scheme of yours?

Of course DP says no btw, because who wants a present from their kid, you want to be the one giving.
My daughter however is a beautifully kind young girl and anything she gets me is cherished above anything else in this house.
I moved country and I left a shoe box with important documents in it with my Dad along with a very cheap picture frame and bell (that my daughter picked out for me when she was 4).

I think it's more about letting the little lad pick something out than anything else.

I'm contradicting myself here. What I'm trying to say is that you don't want anything from your children, but anything you get is cherished. (Could be just me).

I don't think you need to message the mum about any of this tbh. As PPs have said you're making it unnecessarily complicated and traumatic. Treat DSS the same as your own DCs, so if you pop their name on gifts then do the same with DSS' name. If you give them pocket money to choose a gift, then give DSS pocket money to choose a gift. Really, it's admin. It doesn't demand lots of discussion and angst.

Thank you all.
Will get a standby gift, I can't take DSS to get one as we don't have him until late Christmas Eve.
I can't add his name to the other gifts as my kids have each chosen something, they each have a different connection with him and their gifts reflect that.
To clarify, DP said not to get a present from DSS only, happy to receive from my kids, but I can't stand by and risk him getting upset. The issue that DP has is not the actual gift but that if DSS mum said she was going to, then she should have, but I don't think that is DSS's fault.
Am off to shop on Amazon....

Hey something from DSS as well. Have fun shopping

It’s not about the ex and you’re being thoughtful not wanting DSS to feel upset or left out if he doesn’t have a gift to give his dad.

It’s very straightforward here, DH and I sort presents for each other from the DC for all occasions. Their mum doesn’t do anything with them and we don’t get involved in them getting anything for her.

Focus on your family unit, which DSS is a part of.

I hope your DP puts as much thought into gifts for you as you do for him! Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

LOL at Cherries saying none of your kids should give their dad a present because DSS mum has gone a bit funny! I think teaching kids about thinking of others and it’s not always about them is very important, would definitely make sure DSS doesn’t miss out on this. If he’s a decent sort of lad I expect he would be upset being the only one not to have something to give his dad, so the right thing to do is make sure he is not in that position. And detach a little from the Ex - nobody needs that level of interaction if all it’s going to cause is angst! Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas together

Get something and if he comes with something, keep it for his birthday.

I expect mum has now realised - and accepted--that it's not for her to do any longer after the last episode, so most likely he won't come with a present, unless he pestered his mum to get one.

Get him to make something, even just a card or a bookmark. Presents don’t really come from kids do they unless they are handmade? Also all parents treasure the homemade stuff far more.