Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Told him FC wasn’t the real one...

25 replies

sunlove · 22/12/2018 10:50

A few weekends ago DP and I took DSS (4) to Lapland uk as a special Xmas treat - he had the best day ever!

We didn’t see him this past weekend as it was his birthday party at his mums house (this isn’t the normal arrangement, we normally have him every fri-mon and all school holidays) and he’s come back saying he didn’t see the real Santa and although hasn’t outright said it I’m pretty certain he’s been told there’s no Santa full stop.

When asked who told him (assuming it was a child at school) we were shocked to find it was his mums partner.

Needless to say DP and I are both upset and DP is livid! We’ve spoken to DSS and he’s ok, but we’re not sure how to approach the situation with his mum/her partner.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 22/12/2018 10:54

You’re being ridiculous! It’s really normal for parents to tell children that the one they visit at the shopping centre/or wherever isn’t the real Santa, he’s just a helper because real Santa is so busy reading letters and sorting out all the gifts.

Original poster

sunlove · 22/12/2018 10:56

Just the clarify, the issue isn’t that he was told it isn’t the real Santa. Rather how upset DSS is and that they didn’t actually deal with it.

Also don’t feel it’s a partners place to tell a step child that info...

OP posts:

goldengummybear · 22/12/2018 13:15

You're assuming that he was as upset with his mum/stepdad as his with his Dad and you. It's normal to say that Santa at schools, shopping centres etc aren't the real deal because the real one is too busy preparing the billions of gifts for distribution.

I don't think it's strange for a step parent to say it rather than a parent either. Some step parents are doing as much (or more) parenting than the parent

blackcat86 · 22/12/2018 13:26

That's pretty common. I'm in my 30s my parents used to tell me that all the Santa's you see are just helpers because I kept asking why there was more than one (yep i was that annoying 'but why' child). I'm not sure it's a big deal unless you make it one. Do you think it may be more about disliking mum's partner??

insancerre · 22/12/2018 13:30

Livid?
A bit of an over reaction

Moussemoose · 22/12/2018 13:32

At 4 it is absolutely NOT normal to tell a child there is no Father Christmas.

This wasn't a trip to a shopping centre with FC wearing trainers. This was a trip to a special place I think most children would assume this was 'the real thing'.

I wouldn't dream of telling any child apart from my own anything about FC. If the child was upset I would certainly address the issue and not just leave it.

I don't think there is anything you can do now OP. I told my DC some people don't believe in FC and so their parents bring the presents BUT if you do believe then it's FC who brings them.

Original poster

sunlove · 22/12/2018 13:38

I think from DP pov is more about somebody else telling DSS. You wouldn’t want an aunt or grandparent telling your child something they really enjoyed was a lie. (Obvs would be a different situation if EW had said as she can parent her child however she sees fit).

For me I’m just upset it wasn’t handled well and not really sure there was any need to interfere.

I’ve suggested to DP next time he sees EX just to mention that DSS was a little upset by the situation as he didn’t really understand what her partner was telling him. Then just leave it.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 22/12/2018 13:40

By extension then if it wasn't the mother partners place to say anything, it's not yours either. You can't have it both ways. You're assuming he told your step son there is no Santa. He told him that the Santa he saw isnt the real one- there are Santa's everywhere- I've told my daughter they aren't the real one for years when we saw two very different ones in two places, in one day. He's 4- if he doesn't now believe in Santa- you'll know. You're assuming he doesn't. Leave it unless he says something and don't look for conflict where there doesn't need to be any

swingofthings · 22/12/2018 13:57

Kids don't always relay what they are told or see accurately. My DS told nursery at 4 that his dad had broken the fence having a fight with his brother. What really happen is that he was at his window watching a party in the garden when brother after a few drinks lost his balance and his dad tried to hold him from falling.

What was actually said might be very different to what your dss related back to you.

Trills · 22/12/2018 13:58

Either the mum is OK with it, or it's up to the mum to address this with her partner.

It's not your place or your DP's place to tell her how she should be parenting, and that includes what she does and doesn't expect from her partner.

Original poster

sunlove · 22/12/2018 13:59

100% agree with SD1978 in the sense that I wouldn’t dream of saying anything to DSS or EX about this - definitely not my place. Maybe that’s why DP and I feel EW partner should feel the same? I guess not everybody views things in the same way!

Normally DP uses me as a sounding board in these situations, but because I’ve found myself a bit upset can’t really give good advice - hence my post.

Appreciate all the advice and guess this is a pick your battles situation, so will suggest he just leaves it alone.

OP posts:

Trills · 22/12/2018 14:07

I think it's OK for him to say that DSS was upset, and maybe discuss if you need to align your lies about Santa so they are consistent.
(all families need to get their lies straight, even when everyone lives in the same house)
Not so OK for him to be making a big deal about who said it.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 22/12/2018 14:41

the issue isn’t that he was told it isn’t the real Santa. Rather how upset DSS is and that they didn’t actually deal with it.

You said your DSS was ok. Nowhere in your OP did you say he was upset. You said you and DP were but no mention of him being upset. Which is strange if that was your issue that you didn’t mention it.

Needless to say DP and I are both upset and DP is livid! We’ve spoken to DSS and he’s ok,

ILoveMaxiBondi · 22/12/2018 14:49

I think if you’re honest your upset is because it was about a trip/experience you and DP had taken him on. If he had been there with his mum and came back saying it wasn’t the real Santa I don’t think you’d be having this reaction.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 22/12/2018 14:50

Which I get btw as it is kind of like taking the shine off the experience you gave him. Which isn’t nice if done deliberately.

SD1978 · 22/12/2018 14:59

@ILoveMaxiBondi - that sums up what I think too. The bit wasn't upset, but you've given him this experience which you think has now been 'cheapened' by him being told it was a fake Santa- even though he didn't care. Either the mother's partner did it out of spite, or not. But the child wasn't upset- your partner was and is angry. I wouldn't bring it up with then, as I doubt it would change anything

Cherries101 · 22/12/2018 17:52

Come on you only get him on weekends and holidays. His mum has to manage school with fun stuff with actual parenting — she gets to decide how to treat the santa issue. You and your DP has no right to be upset.

IloveBaileysCheesecake · 22/12/2018 17:57

we normally have him every fri-mon and all school holidays. I never got past this part tbh. What an odd arrangement.

jessstan2 · 14/01/2019 01:53

So the boy has been told the truth - so what?

PoesyCherish · 14/01/2019 09:58

Why do you have him basically every time he's not in school?

As for original issue, it depends how upset your DSS is. If he's fine then no harm done. If he's upset then it's probably worth DP just mentioning that he's upset and could they please make sure they're on the same page about what lies they're telling him

sunlove · 14/01/2019 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sunlove · 14/01/2019 16:12

Withdrew previous post as I realised I essentially told the internet our whole life history .

Saw this thread had made a reappearance and thought an update was due. Thanks for all the advice, we took it all onboard and didn't mention anything as I suspect we were frustrated and BU.

So when swap over came on Christmas Eve DP didn't say anything but EW actually brought it up! She just mentioned that her partner told her what he'd said and she was sorry if it had ruined anything.

Obviously DP really appreciated that and explained where we had been, as well as letting her know he appreciated what she'd said. DSS is much more settled about it all (kids forget/accept things so easily!), DP is much happier about it all and getting on well with EW atm, and they're communicating better.

It seems to have all had a happy ending

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 15/01/2019 10:53

Great update.

goldengummybear · 15/01/2019 12:52

Great update

The best updates are definitely when mum and dad sort things out themselves.

PoesyCherish · 15/01/2019 12:57

That's brilliant @sunlove So pleased to see a positive update

Flip