DSD not included on Christmas cards/presents

[MissMotoGP]

Not sure how to deal with this situation.

DSD is 7. DP and I have an 8 week old DS. We've had a lot of gifts addressed to me, DP and DS, but not DSD. Not intentional from my family friends, they just haven't met DP's daughter and genuinely seem to have forgotten to add her on cards and gifts.

We now have lots and lots of gifts for me, DP and DS, but hardly and for DSD (apart from the gifts we've got her).

She's going to feel so left out...

How would you approach this? Just not put the gifts that leave her out under the tree, and open them privately away from her?

It's not nice and I'm quite anxious about it...

Can you buy her several extra gifts to make up the numbers so she doesn’t realise some people have missed her out?

Don’t save your DC’s presents for christmas. Open them immediately away from DSD and put them away. Over Christmas only open the presents you bought.

Just open the others when she’s not around. Your baby is tiny so will have no idea one way or the other

@ItIsChristmasTime we could but that would cost us a fair bit and we've not got much money left for presents etc. I'm thinking the best thing would be to just hide the cards which we can't alter and open the gifts separately.

Not going to lie it's made me feel a bit sad that people don't see her as part of our family unit! But hey ho I guess that's life...

I imagine because they haven’t met her, don’t know her they figure she has her family on her mother’s side. She’ll have presents from people your son won’t have I dare say

It’s tricky to navigate but it’s difficult to resolve when your dsd isn’t known to your wider circle

I think if it’s your family doing this you could have a word? My family have included my step kids even though they haven’t met them. Or maybe next year make it clear who is spending Christmas with you.

You can do a lot to include her by mentioning her to your significant others.

I think don’t open all those presents on front of her, it’s a bit excluding. Open them another time.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 my family have all included her. My mum and Dad buy for her the same as they do for us all. I make sure of it. It's more old family friends, my friends etc. I have no doubt that it's unintentional!

Expecting your friends to buy for her is a bit of a stretch.

How long have you been together? All my close friends have met and know my step children. They don’t all include them in cards though, we get plenty to the two of us which will also include our baby when it’s here. I can’t imagine the kids checking each card on the mantle, even less so a 7 year old.

What kind of shared gifts are we talking about? Stuff for your baby is for him. Stuff like food is for you all to share.

You’re sweet for being sensitive about it but honestly people who’ve never even met her aren’t going to buy her presents or send her cards.

I agree with sandyy2k - I have a very good friend who married a man who had 3 children from his 1st marriage. The only difference is that my friend and her new DH dont have children. But I buy for them and not for his children. I chat to his children politely when I meet them and show interest but in all truthfulness they are close to strangers to me.

How often do you have her and how much over Xmas? It would have been nice to include her bit I guess if they've never met her is understandable

That’s totally understandable then Missmoto.

My friends just put ‘and family’ but the kids never look in cards. I’ve had years and years of step families, both as step child and mum, and we often just reserve presents for later if it’s a bit excluding. It sounds like you are being considerate so I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Get your own cards out extra early next year, with her name on them. Have you sent any this year? Won't mean presents for DSD, but hopefully a mention on the cards.

Only my parents buy for dss. I wouldn’t expect my elderly relatives or friends to either. I figure what is at our house is only half of what he gets, the rest at his mothers. He’s never had any difficulty understanding that. He sees we buy equally for him and his siblings.

I’m thinking of the friends and relatives I have with children who I buy presents for and thinking whether it would even cross my mind to buy something for a child in this situation and I don’t know that it would. Especially if I’d never met the child.

Unless I was actually going to see that child on the day when I was physically handing over the presents to be opened then and there.

I once went to my sisters for Christmas dinner and her husbands brother was also invited with his dc and I bought them a Christmas present but I don’t usually.

I think bumbother’s plan is a good one. And through this next year no doubt you will be talk about the seven year old and people will be meeting her etc. so it will probably all come together in the end.

My DNiece is a step mother to one DSD. I have never bought a present for her. I don't know her, why would I? She gets a lot of presents from her father's side of the family and they don't buy for DN's children from her first relationship. Why would they?

I think it's a bit rude of you to expect it, frankly. Fair enough grandparents should buy for all the children in the family but you can't expect it of the extended family and friends.

If you mention it you will sound grabby as well as rude. You don't tell people who to buy for.

I would imagine lots of people are giving gifts because you have an 8 week old baby and that's a bit of a novelty; it also might be an idea to nip present giving in the bud (apart from family) otherwise you will be having a huge Christmas present list year after year.

I never got into buying presents for my friends' children, most children get far too many gifts and I prefer to just give to my actual friends, not their children and certainly not any step children.

I honestly think you are massively overthinking this. Do you have her on Christmas Day?

If you have way more presents than she will have for herself open them separately. I have a 7 year old and he would not care or notice cards without his name on even from people he does know never mind people he has never met. My dsd’s Name appears on about 3 cards a year - she is 13 and I am quite sure it has never even occurred to her to think about it.
I honestly don’t know why you would think people who have never met her would be buying her presents anyway? Maybe if they were coming to your house at Christmas and she was there it would be nice, but otherwise no. There will always be a difference because of the blended family situation - remember she will be getting presents from her mum and that side of her family as well.

Honestly, it all sounds perfectly normal for this kind of family set up and you are very lovely to care but I think you care far more than your dsd will!!

It's nice you care about this. But I agree with previous posters. I would never expect my extended family to buy for my sc. Especially if they had never met them. I'm always bowled over by their kindness when they do, but my sc wouldn't know to expect it and it avoids awkward situations like the above.

I think as long as your close family include her then that is fine. The one disastrous Xmas my DCs spent with EX and OW - her Mum ignored them but her SM made sure mine got a present and did not feel left out.

My 2 still remember that the beatchs SM was nicer to them than their own SM at the time!!

Dont over think it but I do think your direct family need to recognise she is part of your family - even in a small way

I agree with the others. As long as your close family buy for her I think that's okay. I have an almost 7 year old DSD and she hasn't even remotely tried looking in the cards and I really don't think she'd be bothered she's not named in cards of people she's not met.

With regards to the presents, are you seeing her Christmas Day? If not just open the presents then. If you are, either open them early or late but don't open them in front of her. Although I suppose that could become a problem when your DS gets older. You could always go down the route of explaining she gets extra presents at her Mum's and from her Mum's side of the family so even though she is your family, she doesn't know your friend any more than her brother (your son) knows her Mum's family and friends.

I absolutely love that this is such an issue for you. I would probably open them separately incase her feelings were hurt.

You sound like a really lovely SM and DSD is lucky to have you

A lot of people don't buy for step children of a friend. I'd expect close family to do a small gift so as not to leave a child out but wouldn't expect friends or extended family to buy for a child they don't know or aren't related too.

She's only going to feel left out if you tell her she's been left out! She's 7! She's not going to look through all the Christmas cards and wonder why her name isn't there.

You just need to frame this sensitively. "Oh look at this lovely present for DS!" You don't even need to say who it's from - she won't care. As long as she has presents from her immediate family she'll be fine.