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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Santa And Christmas Presents

18 replies

Atleastihavethecat · 16/12/2018 16:06

I was on one of the other threads on here, and it has me sort of second guessing myself a bit.

I did a lot of the Christmas shopping for DP's DC. It just made sense as I'm out shopping more than he is, so just bought if I saw anything they would like, same as I would for my own DC.

We've told them that Santa would leave presents here as well as at mum's, because they have two houses. We thought it was a good way to show that they are very definitely part of our home as well.

Now I'm second guessing myself. Should we have left Santa to only visit mum's house? What if there's other kids at school with separated parents and Santa only comes to one house? What's the norm with this? It's obviously too late to change anything for this year, and I may have gone a little overboard on presents for all the kids, but should we do it differently next year?

Mum is very high conflict, and inconsistent in her thoughts on what we do, so asking her wouldn't be an option.

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HalfBloodPrincess · 16/12/2018 16:12

Santa always came to both houses for us, as children and as an adult with SDC and dc with a SM.
There’s no rules. He does it differently for all families so whatever works best.

As an aside, as a mum whose children have a step mum, we know it’s you who is the one who makes the effort (wouldn’t even enter my exh head to buy character wrapping paper) and it is appreciated.

stokieginge · 16/12/2018 16:22

@Atleastihavethecat we have Santa coming to both houses.

Tbh we've never discussed it with DM. I personally think that's the way it should be - especially if Christmas are shared (which it's now are). We're waking up with DSD on Christmas Day this year and surely it's weird if Santa doesn't visit her here?

speakfriendandenter · 16/12/2018 16:37

Santa visits both houses for my nephew. Always has done.
It's lovely you've thought so carefully about your step children

knittedjest · 16/12/2018 16:42

Don't worry. Kids don't talk about stuff like that. If they believe in Santa they are what, 5 or 6? Their conversations are not that complex and descriptive. They talk about what they got as a whole from Santa, not where Santa left what. And tbh they are egotistical, they don't really digest the details of what the other is saying they just wait for their chance to speak and hope everybody else thinks their Santa haul was the best santa haul of them all.

Original poster

Atleastihavethecat · 16/12/2018 17:16

Thank you everyone! That's really reassuring.

We suspect that the Christmas arrangements (court ordered), will be cancelled, and it could be January before we see them. They're telling us about visiting Uncle for a week, including Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day, including how they have to leave Santa notes at home telling him where they are. Uncle's home is about 6 hours away from theirs. Mum hasn't confirmed or denied, and her solicitor is ignoring any communication that references this.

Would that have made a difference to how you organised presents?

OP posts:

stokieginge · 16/12/2018 17:23

@Atleastihavethecat last year we didn't have DSD until 30th December. We just left all the presents under the tree and told her that we came down to them on Christmas morning.

Obviously if you don't see them until January you can still use that story, there just won't be any tree.

We have much the same dilemma as you. Extended family on DM's side are deemed more important than DF. I suspect the only reason why we've got her this year is that DP posted of Facebook about it last year - (after she did). They have numerous mutual friends as they went to school together and she made on on fb that we share Christmas (we hadn't until this point) so now she's allowing us Christmas Day to save face - she doesn't like other people knowing how she treats DP.

I hope you do see your DSC over Christmas. Fingers crossed for you.

Original poster

Atleastihavethecat · 16/12/2018 17:44

stokieginge Yes! She doesn't see any of his family as important. Her overall behaviour has been, and still is, quite odd. So, his family have pretty much checked out. It's been so difficult for them to cope with her, that they rarely see the DC now. For the last year, they've been telling him to give up, and forget about them. I would have enjoyed (probably selfishly, but I'm only human!) taking the DC to them, shown them that the stress was and is worth it.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 16/12/2018 18:03

When DSD is at her mums at Christmas we do a couple of Father Christmas presents compared to when she’s at ours we do a full sack of them. I’m doing her a stocking this year from Father Christmas too.

stokieginge · 16/12/2018 18:14

@Atleastihavethecat this year we literally have Christmas Day to fit in DP mum, DP dad - so the parental grandparents. And then my parents - whom she calls nanny and grandad. And any one else on our side of the family.

She then has an entire week away with extended family - meaning we don't now get her on our contact weekend. Mums response - 'I don't know who's weekend it is, but we're going away'.

So now I'm 27 days we'll see her once. Albeit Christmas Day so that's totally acceptable in mums eyes.

CupoBlood · 16/12/2018 20:09

Santa at both houses here. If exdh didn't return them then the presents would stay under the tree till they returned no matter how long I had to leave my tree up for.

Laloup1 · 16/12/2018 20:25

Two Santa visits here too.

Lovelife12345 · 16/12/2018 21:42

We always do it as Santa visits one house.. so with us santa visits my step daughters mums and the presents at ours are from us... for my eldest son Santa visits our house and his dads presents are from his dad. Otherwise we feel some kids who are lucky their parents are together wonder why Santa bought the others two lots... when I was growing up and my parents split we always had Santa visit one house.. because there was a girl at school who got really upset because she thought Santa 'didn't care as much for her' so the parents in our year who were split all agreed that Santa visits one house

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 16/12/2018 22:56

Don’t worry! All perfectly fine, of course Santa can visit both houses.

And practise not caring what the Ex thinks. You’ll have a lot more of that in the future!

stuffedpeppers · 16/12/2018 23:28

I cared for my DCS 363 days of the year - sweat, blood tears etc and then come birthdays and Xmas I am expected to toll over play fair and facilitate what - EX palying happy families.

5 yrs - 1 Xmas with his new family, DCs returned in tears ( absolutely justifiable) now I do what suits my DCs and fuck him and which ever bird is the current bit on the scene.

Our DCS know what Xmas is about and we no longer play PC to the moral mafia.

Original poster

Atleastihavethecat · 23/12/2018 19:19

It is going to be January before we see them. Apparently they have 40 degree temperatures, vomiting and diarrhoea. DP suggested that he met them at the hospital as temps that high are dangerous. The ex said no, but that she is going to keep them with her until she gets a gp appointment for them. This could be the beginning of next week. It seems likely that they just left for the uncles house earlier than we thought they would.

OP posts:

Tallasagiraffe · 23/12/2018 20:05

OP that’s rubbish! I’m sorry that you and your DP won’t see the DC over Christmas. Just shows how selfish she is being. I would let your solicitor know ASAP, and ensure next year you get Christmas with them.

In reference to your original post. Santa comes to both houses. I too have gone probably “overboard” with the presents, but I’ve just been picking bits up as and when, when out shopping. However DPex has always said that Santa only brings one gift to hers and the rest here. And that she and her P get the other gifts. This confuses them, as they always wonder why we don’t buy them gifts too, but we are more about the “magic of Christmas” than the “credit”

PoesyCherish · 25/12/2018 10:43

That really sucks. Sorry to hear that OP.

Santa comes to one house here. So Santa goes to DSD's house and the presents at ours are from us. There's no right or wrong way of doing it though, you just do what's best for you and your family.

ClaryFray · 25/12/2018 17:54

So sorry OP, sadly children talk so the truth will come out. Id take it back to court as pre meditated.

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