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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dp not doing any baby grunt work

44 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/12/2018 09:39

It's a step parenting question but also not about the exw or about the DSC!
We have a five month old baby and three DSC who are much older (all over 8). All kids get on fine so that's great. We ahve DSC Tue to Thursday every week and eow (unless dp is working away) Friday after school to Mon before school. Always been this way and sorta works although we're seeking court to move days to the left so weeks less broken for the children.

Anyway, none of that is an issue except dp is self employed and works constantly. From am to late in the pm and most weekends. This was a weekend without DSC and he was out sat untill 3 pm as exw let him know very already Friday the kids had an event and wanted him there (he would ahve worked anyway tbh). He then worked untill 7pm. He is away today working all day and then will work in house till 8pm.
I'm on mat leave but going back to work in Feb, I earn more than he makes even on mat leave so am paying my own way etc even now (only relevant when it comes to time splits). Dp is good around house he doesn't clean but will do washing and tidy or laid dishwasher so he's okay.
He does very little with Ds. When he was a newborn he did more but not now. He has bathed him twice and he is bathed everyday. We are weaning and he's fed him three times but that's it. I had a night out and a day out since D's was born and dp did have him both times, which was fine. Dp dosnt go out often but I've recipricated two or three times too with all the children or just D's.
He rarely plays with ds. If we every go out I have ds the whole time, he spends more 1:1 time with his older dsc but it's generally out of the house stuff so I'm left with ds again all day. Ds sleep is bad at the momment, I do all the night wakings and the mornings. Dp either has to work or do school run when have DSC but never offers to take ds with him to give me a break.

Is this a normal split? I'm mostly worried that when I go back to work it will continue and I'll be exhusted. It's my first baby so wasn't sure what to expect tbh.

OP posts:

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MistressDeeCee · 16/12/2018 17:22

Men always seem to get a pass for being self-employed. It's entirely ridiculous. Lots of us women are out there self-employed having to juggle home and family life and childcare, with our work. it's about balance, disciplining yourself and your time, just as you would if you went out to work.

I've been self-employed for many years now, no way is it an excuse to just cop-out of family and home life. The world doesn't stop just because a person is self-employed and feels that makes them special so they can disregard all else.

People that are crap at time management are never going to make it in self employment, never going to reach that pinnacle of huge rewards for putting in huge amounts of hours, as really they're just faffing. Putting in a load of hours for minimum reward is the consequence.

But lots of men can do it, because women have bought into the cop-out and just carry them financially and practically. The ultimate facilitation.

Cocklodgers come in many guises. As does laziness unless it's something they're interested in, or using work to avoid the bits of family life they find tedious and simply can't be bothered with.

WilburforceRaven · 16/12/2018 17:29

No wonder he pushed hard for another child, that way he gets to keep his feet under the table whilst Muggins brings home most of the bacon and does all the shitwork with another child and he gets to continue to be 'self-employed'.

I don't buy any of the bullshit 'It's just de menz' excuses or enabling this lazy twat by buying in help.

Now you know why his last relationship broke up, she got sick of putting up with a twat who used 'work' as an excuse to check out of life.

And you were doing all the shitwork for his kids before you had a baby!

Look, stop being a mug. Put him on a time limit to ship up or shape out or resign yourself to keeping him as a very expensive pet who refuses to be housetrained.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/12/2018 18:29

He does housework but not cleaning. He tidys and washes clothes etc. He does food shop etc.
The childcare is my concern for Ds. As I can't possibly maintain the current status quo when I work full-time as well. I know dp loves us and the kids. It's just getting the balance right

OP posts:

WilburforceRaven · 16/12/2018 18:45

Cleaning is housework. So he assumes it's your job to 'get the balance right' when you go back to work FT. That's just part of being an adult and being part of a family.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/12/2018 19:34

So is tidying....I clean and he tidies. So overall housework is fairly even tbh.
It's the baby care I worry about, that any any couple time as I can't see how it will work of he keeps on when I go back to work

OP posts:

Cherries101 · 16/12/2018 23:25

And now you probably understand part of the reason why his past relationship broke down. Insisting on a dc with a workaholic never ends well.

Livelovebehappy · 17/12/2018 00:18

Op, I really don’t think things are as bad as some posters are making out. When I saw some comments on here I had to re-read your post as thought I must have missed something! Things will be fine when you return to work as you can obviously negotiate a better split. I think when you’re on mat leave, it’s assumed the DW picks up the majority of night feeds etc as you’re not on the same time constraints as someone who has to get up for work. If your DH takes his DCs out on the weekend they’re with him, it’s probably not always appropriate to take a baby with them, depending on the activity they’re doing. Yes, there is a bit of tweaking which is needed as regards spending a bit more quality time with your ds, but the situation is definitely not as dire as some on here are portraying.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 17/12/2018 08:23

Thanks livelovebehappy...I hope so too! I'm just anxious about it as I don't want to struggle for baby's sake. I'd also like dp to spend more time with baby or he will miss out (plus I'd like a rest!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 17/12/2018 08:23

I'm also generally quite an anxious person tbh!

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 17/12/2018 08:51

The good thing here is that your DH seems to be a good father to his older DCs so i agree with pps who say about the baby thing. Many fathers, including my own DH, aren’t particularly hands on with babies. That doesn’t make him a bad person, it’s just the way it is sometimes. Just communicate your worries to him about the back to work scenario, and hopefully he will step up and adjust the split in childcare. And if he doesn’t, come back on here and I’m sure there will be more advice to give on next steps. X

vuripadexo · 17/12/2018 15:59

I don't think he's awful but i do think that (even subconsciously) him pushing for the baby was a way to make it harder for you to leave him.

He can't really afford to live without you but you can afford to live without him. The house is in your name and you aren't married. I get the impression that you are quite a self aware assured person and I'm not sure you'd stick around if you were unhappy.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 17/12/2018 16:17

I'm annoyed at momment we closed on house today and dp didn't even come to see it just asked me to measure the room that will be his office.
It's annoyed me a bit as I know it's my house but it's our home where we will live and raise the kids. Id expect him to at least be excited

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/12/2018 07:22

In reference to him knowing what it was like having kids....I suspect his Ex W did it all... do he probably doesn't know what it involves.

He was thinking you'd do the same as his Ex. Sometimes you have to wonder why an Ex is an Ex.

I think I recall your previous post on him not wanting to move away from his DC...despite a previous agreement. Was he an ex from years ago?

Without you he couldn't afford to house his DC.

I don't think he's unique in not doing much...but but doesn't make it right.

You need to tell him the importance of doing more with DS and how him not doing it is impacting on you.

Does he want 4 DC he doesn't live with?

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/12/2018 10:03

Yep n yep. But looking at that I'm an ex too most people are at some point in their lives, no kids with my exh though!.
We managed to get a house near the kids and I sorted the work stuff finally. So lots of compromises, hence why I'm a tad annoyed he isn't more excited and on board. I think maybe he just isn't like that eg excitable about stuff.
Didn't mean it isn't a bit crap

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/12/2018 18:16

Yeah...but splitting when you have kids isn't something one takes lightly.

While your baby is still young...I would say you need to push as much as possible for him to do more...otherwise the current situation becomes the pattern.

It would be worth reminding him that while you love DC very much...it was him who pushed for a baby and as such you expect him to do his share of parenting. Not leaving it all to you.

Its easy to play with a baby for a few minutes....its nice time kiss on the head and walk off... but you need him to do more than that.

My DC are on their teens now... but I wish I'd insisted on him doing more in the early years.

Sometimes it still gets to me.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/12/2018 18:50

I know it isn't. I'm going to try being more blunt I think eg for an hour and a half on xyz day I will be out for a sport , you will need to look after the DCs.
He just always quotes work to me, but then if it something he wants like a lie in till after ten am he can find the time to do it.

OP posts:

AWishForWingsThatWork · 18/12/2018 19:09

It's not a fair split, and it probably explains why he was divorced/separated from partner of other 3 children in the first place.

He needs to do more for his own child, a child that he pushed for and wanted. It's not all your responsibility just because he has 3 other children. And when you go back to work, he'll have to step up even more, especially since you earn more money than he does.

HeckyPeck · 19/12/2018 15:43

He just always quotes work to me, but then if it something he wants like a lie in till after ten am he can find the time to do it.

It’s really sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with his baby. I’m sorry OP

SandyY2K · 19/12/2018 17:27

His Ex will have done all the hard work. My H wanted more DC. I said he needed to step up in the work he did with another child...among other reasons.

He wasn't showing he would do that...so I refused to have any more.

If someone had kids with him later, thinking he has 2 and knows what to do... they'd be very wrong.

He was great with playing with them...teaching them to ride bikes and going on bike rides...but there is more to parenting than that.

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