Dp not doing any baby grunt work

[Spanglyprincess1]

It's a step parenting question but also not about the exw or about the DSC!
We have a five month old baby and three DSC who are much older (all over 8). All kids get on fine so that's great. We ahve DSC Tue to Thursday every week and eow (unless dp is working away) Friday after school to Mon before school. Always been this way and sorta works although we're seeking court to move days to the left so weeks less broken for the children.

Anyway, none of that is an issue except dp is self employed and works constantly. From am to late in the pm and most weekends. This was a weekend without DSC and he was out sat untill 3 pm as exw let him know very already Friday the kids had an event and wanted him there (he would ahve worked anyway tbh). He then worked untill 7pm. He is away today working all day and then will work in house till 8pm.
I'm on mat leave but going back to work in Feb, I earn more than he makes even on mat leave so am paying my own way etc even now (only relevant when it comes to time splits). Dp is good around house he doesn't clean but will do washing and tidy or laid dishwasher so he's okay.
He does very little with Ds. When he was a newborn he did more but not now. He has bathed him twice and he is bathed everyday. We are weaning and he's fed him three times but that's it. I had a night out and a day out since D's was born and dp did have him both times, which was fine. Dp dosnt go out often but I've recipricated two or three times too with all the children or just D's.
He rarely plays with ds. If we every go out I have ds the whole time, he spends more 1:1 time with his older dsc but it's generally out of the house stuff so I'm left with ds again all day. Ds sleep is bad at the momment, I do all the night wakings and the mornings. Dp either has to work or do school run when have DSC but never offers to take ds with him to give me a break.

Is this a normal split? I'm mostly worried that when I go back to work it will continue and I'll be exhusted. It's my first baby so wasn't sure what to expect tbh.

Did he want a fourth child? Does he feel as though he has ‘done’ all the baby years stuff?

Yep. It was his idea and he pushed hard for it. I never wanted children tbh but I became more maternal as I got older and was around his kids more.

Show him what you’ve written and then ask him for a plan of how it’s going to change.

I've mentioned it and I get I have to work to earn money.

I’m not saying it is right but some men seem to do more with their children once they are a bit older and can interact with them more. Maybe he was like this with his older children when they were babies as well.

Do you ask him to take your DS to give you a break? It sounds more like a communication issue to me. You need to let him know what your issues are so he can make some changes.

It isn’t a fair split at all. I get that he’s working all hours but surely that should mean when he is home he wants to spend time with the baby?

Id say to him if he can’t make it work in a fair way whereby you do equal parenting and the baby gets to actually bond with it’s dad then his job is compatible with having 4 children (and it isn’t even well paying) and that he should be looking round for something more suitable.

I’d work out what an equal split should look like, especially when your back to work. So an even split for night waking, bedtimes, mealtimes, looking after the baby to allow the other parent some time etc. Show that to him and ask him why he thinks you should have to do it all.

Is not compatible that should say

I ask and he says I have to work. Maybe I could give more notice eg between 6-7 each day can you have ds. But that seems a bit Draconian. I regularly have his kids while he works for an hr or so before they go out.
I think we do need a better chat. The problem is he says yes but then forgets or worries that it won't be possible and gets annoyed.
I agree that his job isn't compatible with the children and I've raised it, his job is very very closely linked to his hobby and he loves it and won't change.

Well then why did he push hard to have another child, given that he had three and must have known what hard, relentless, boring domestic work it entails, and knowing that he didn’t want to compromise his (lesser paying) work to be able to do it?

I did suspect it might be a hobby related job.

I’m sorry OP. He sounds quite shit. Prioritising his hobby-job over his baby and DP.

I’m not sure he will change, so you’ll have to force things by scheduling and insisting on a fair split. Don’t let him get away with using a crap excuse like “he forgot” either. Funny how you don’t forget to look after the baby and ate always looking after his kids for him.

Well then why did he push hard to have another child, given that he had three and must have known what hard, relentless, boring domestic work it entails, and knowing that he didn’t want to compromise his (lesser paying) work to be able to do it?

I assume he knew he could palm off all the work on OP.

Sounds like a cocklodger.

Working more hours than his DP but earning significantly less? Self inflicted overtime even with a baby on the scene? What a joker!

You're looking after his kids and now your own baby by yourself. He has got you well in line.

Sorry to be harsh but I'm sick of reading these kinds of scenarios lately.

I agree ref the older children point, he says children are interesting from.three years upwards as they can do more.
He does seem to love baby and gives him kisses when leaves and comes home etc , but leaves the other stuff alone. I also think he underestimated how hard work it would be , yes he has three already but it was many many years ago so rose tinted classes were involved!
I've bought a house for us all , my money and my name only and he seems happy to pay less eg no rent just ahlf of bills but at the same time seems to resent fact I've managed to do this (myself from savings not a gift from fmaily etc).

Btw I refuse to do grunt work round DSC anymore since baby was born..he does all the school runs homework and packed lunches. I do some evening meals n breakfasts still and fun things like games etc

I'm self-employed. It can be very hard to switch off from working all the hours God sends, to generate your own income.

I don't live with my DP so can get on with my self-employment uninterrupted. But when we're together which is 3-4 times weekly, I put that work down. You have to know when to stop, and engage. I used to find that difficult, but made a conscious effort and it's easier now.

In your case it's neither fair nor feasible for your DP to forsake family life for his work. Makes no difference that he's working for self - I think sometimes people think they should get a "pass" for that, just because they're not working for an employer.

No - especially when a partner is just left to do it all, pick up the slack and keep things ticking over nicely, & the income gained from self-employment doesn't match favourably with the volume of hours applied to it. In which case it's a hobby that pays income sometimes, facilitated by someone else working to ensure the bills are paid etc.

If you weren't around, would this self-employment sustain him both in terms of financially, and lifestyle including time with DCs? That's a key issue.

My self-employment does pay, but not enough to maintain life. So I've a part-time job alongside. It's what you do, being sensible about life.

You need a very blunt and direct talk with him, saying all you've said here.

You're right, you will be knackered when you return to work, as his work aka indulging his hobby and making a bit of change on the side from it, and his wishes seem to be more important than family life you and DCs.

He is using work as an excuse as its easier than looking after a baby, or his own dc.

Sit him down now and say that when you go back to work it will need to be an equal split of effort for ds and he is going to have to step up more with his other dc. He is goi6to have to seriously consider finding a new job.

Interesting, or easier?

That’s great you have it all in your name.

Btw I had a very successful ‘passion’ job and dialled it back to be able to take care of the kids. Ramping it up again now youngest is 3 and ‘more interesting’ (much easier) Shit happens.

No it doesn't, his parents facilitated him tbh. It would earn enough to support him if he didn't pay rent eg just bills and child support etc. So outgoings of 500-800 a month.

I'm proud of him but honestly he's very disorganised. I think he could cut down his workload by a significant amount if he had a more structured work day ( downfall of having always been self employed).
I have talked about the split but I'm concerned he won't stick to what he agreed due to work, but I will be at work to just during set hours.

Firstly he's not alone, especially when on mat leave! My suggestion is firstly to buy in help, he doesn't clean, you both work - hire a cleaner, worth every penny. Secondly make sure once you return to work he realises you need to split overnight childcare, one gets up one night, the other the next, you both have work. Thirdly get into a routine suitable for work straight after Christmas with your baby, it takes time - sort out as many issues as you can. Is it possible for him to do the morning nursery drop even - sharing is caring as far as I see it! Best of luck, men are slowly being dragged into the 21st century

It's the weekend split that scares me most tbh! I love baby soo much as he's awesome but he's in full sleep regression now and it's hell.
Good idea ref the working schedule so baby is used to what is required eg waking times and betimes etc and sharing nights from January so he has a month to settle into a routine.

No OP, it's not a fair split at all.
My DH works a fair amount too but manages to bath his son regularly, take him to soft play or playground to give me a break, feed him, dress him and generally take care of him. We share drop offs and pick ups from the nursery. We share house cleaning. If I get up at night he will get up early morning so I can catch up.

I don't understand why would you accept the way your DP behaves? What does he ACTUALLY contribute?

He is using you.

My DH is self employed adlnd he works on things all day ever day. It's never ending but needs doing.

I get he works I do but it needs more balance than now.