Hi All,
I have two, very lovey, stepchildren and I absolutely adore them both.
We're having a few issues with DSS who is 4 in Jan and wondered if anyone could offer advice.
The kids are with me and their DF 50% of the time. We co-parent together and share the whole routine (bedtimes, bath times, eating together etc.)
DSS is really pushing boundaries at the moment. He absolutely refuses to do as he his told if he is going through a phase like now. The phases last anywhere between a few days and 2 weeks, and then he can be good as gold for a month or so.
During these time he refuses to go to bed. He shares a bedroom with DSD at our house because we only have 2 bedrooms. He was keeping her awake screaming and carrying on. So, we've changed the bedtime routine and moved his forward to try to get him to sleep before DSD goes to up to bed. We have tea together, do baths, cuddles and stories, and then DSD comes down with me to do something crafty or to play with Lego. DP stays with DSS to try and get him to sleep but currently he is point blank refusing to get into bed, stay in bed. Last night he screamed for over an hour. He will say he is hungry, thirsty, too hot, too cold - anything to distract from bedtime. The idea is that once he is asleep DP can come down and have some quality time with DSD before her bedtime. We have tried swapping so that I deal with the tantruming upstairs but it's the same result and he just screams for daddy.
I am more firm than my DP (although he has got better at not giving in so easily lately) and I just keep putting DSS back into bed with no conversation etc.
Some nights it has been 11pm before he has fallen asleep after running round, screaming etc. It's no good for any of us and then the next day he is tired and naughty at nursery. By naughty I mean that we have been called because he is biting, scratching, hitting etc.
He also bites and scratches DP. Mainly for a reaction as if you don;t react to it he stops immediately. We have zero tolerance approach for that sort of behaviour and he goes straight onto the naughty step and has to apologise before he is allowed off.
The night before last was a nightmare. He refused to go to sleep, pulled things off the wall, threw things etc and consequently we had a phone call from nursery to say he had bitten another child quite badly and thrown toy bricks at people. So, last night, after a good telling off, we tried to put him to bed earlier. He screamed the house down, bit DP and scratched him. He eventually fell asleep at 9pm because he was exhausted. This morning, at first he was great. He cooperated in getting dressed, ate his breakfast, brushed his teeth (all of which are a battle to get him to do sometimes) and was generally being very good - due to the much needed sleep. Or so I thought. Time comes to put shoes and coats on and he utterly refused, screaming at me stamping his feet etc. So, I got his shoes whilst DP was sorting DSD out, sat him on my knee to put them on. He scratched all the way up my arm quite hard. No time for the naughty step. I had to wrestle him into his coat all the time he was punching out at me etc. He wouldn't walk to the door, I had to carry him to hand him over the DP who was getting DSD into the car.
When he is lovely, he is really lovely, and a joy to be around, but during these episodes it's just uncontrollable and upsetting for us all, including him. He refuses to eat, dress, go out, come in, basically do anything you ask him to. I can deal with that but the aggressive behaviour and throwing/ destroying things I find really difficult.
We have a reward chart and I stick to it even during these times. So he got one this morning for brushing his teeth. I don't take anything away for bad behaviour but he doesn't get a reward IYSWIM and there are consequences to that behaviour i.e. naughty step.
Sorry for the long rant!!
Any tips on how we, as a family, can deal with this? It's not confined to this house. It happens at nursery, their DM, grandmas etc. Just to add that also we have tried it where DP does all of the child related stuff (in case it was me that was the issue!) but that just upset both DSC and they ask for me to do certain things because that's the routine, for example I always read to DSD and get them 'bedtime drinks' DP generally does the bath time routine although we each dry one and get ready for bed afterwards - it's just what they expect now I guess.