Mum putting dad down to Son

[Annickey]

My partners' son aged 9 often repeats awful things that his mother says about him (Dad). I don't know what to do, it's awful that the mother says such untrue and mean things but even worse that the 9 year old says them as a "Fact" back to dad- like "you're a bum".
I wish I could Stop this happening. Any recommendations appreciated.

We get this with my partner’s daughter - she’s four. He consulted a psychologist who advised him to try to help her separate her mum’s feelings from her feelings. So we say things like ‘we know that’s what your mum thinks. And we know we can’t change how she thinks. You have to form your own opinions. It’s ok to have your own opinions. What do you think?’
It works.

Thank you that's really helpful

My DSD will occasionally say things like, “daddy’s selfish.” And I just say “Oh, remember how he spent all morning putting up your trampoline, then cooked us all lunch. That was very kind of him.” Or “Daddy’s lazy,” I’ll reply something like “Oh I don’t know about that. He works really hard to earn money so we can have a house/food and then he comes home and looks after us really well.” She then agrees and we get on with our day.

When she says stuff like that to her mum her mum will laugh so is encouraging it, but I don’t think her mum is doing it on purpose or really thinking much about it, she just likes to ‘win’ DSD’s affection.

DSD has done it less and less since I don’t laugh or go along with it and says a lot more positive things now to which I always say something like “what a lovely thing to say, you’re such a thoughtful person DSD.”

I’ve had this. My DSDs have said that I’m a hypocrite, ‘Mum says so,’ or that I have not right to... mum says... list anything you like!

I wish I’d challenged that more, I used to be caught off guard and I didn’t want to put down their mother. However now I think it’s a good opportunity to challenge. And at least it’s external, your DS isn’t just thinking it, that shows a level of innocence and trust in you.

Say ‘oh really, no I don’t think he is/ I am... because... ‘ and then say people can have different opinions, and that sometimes people say things when they are upset or angry. That he has his own opinions and never to feel that he can’t tell you things.

I wouldn’t so much ask for his opinion, it can be putting a kid under the spot, but leave it open for him to say more, encourage a relaxed natural conversation.

Eventually I did start defending myself, to my DSDs, who also said bad things about their dad ‘mum Says all men are good for is money’ and ‘mum says all women are bitches’. We’d then say, oh I disagree!

Bananas she sounds like a real peach!

All women are bitches. Bloody hell! That would throw me. I might go for

“Ahh, your mum shouldn’t think so poorly of herself.”

If I was feeling mischievous ;-)

@heckypeck the thought did cross my mind! In some ways, being the one who never said a bad word hasn’t served me so well. Sometimes people see nice as weakness. I might have had a bit of respect for being scathing!

Being a step parent can definitely be a hard line to walk!