How involved is your dp/dh with your children?

[ScissorSister]

My dp and I have quite recently moved in together. I have two dds with my ex-h (who currently has no access due to abusive behaviour), dp has no children of his own. He isn't very used to young children and doesn't really get that involved with mine! He is a very genuine and caring person, but I would say he's not that bothered about children. He is always keen for us to get a babysitter and go out and doesn't often suggest 'family' activites at weekends. I still do pretty much all the 'child-caring'.

What do most people's dps do to help with their children? Should I be expecting more? I don't like to ask too much as they aren't his, iyswim! Also, because they are girls, he feels awkward about helping with baths/bedtime etc. He does try to play with them sometimes, but dd1 is quite unfriendly with him at the moment, so he feels rejected by her. Perhaps it is all just a matter of time...

Don't know what to say here - my DS took fairly well to my H when we first got together but he was 9 and they were both males

It did take time for somethings but day to day stuff went well

perhaps it was pushed along a little when i had to go to hospital for 10 days V earlt on in he relationship (certainly befoire living together) and H (P at the time) stayed at home with DS as I was living somewhere where I had no family. He bought DS to see me daily (it was a 110km drive each way) and came around and helped daily once I was home

I think that it needs to be made very clear that you are a package deal which I did with H and that plans I had for DS would not be compromised because of my chosing to be with him - he had to show that he was prepared to take DS on as his own (DS has no contact with his father through DS's choice) H now gets upset if I seperate my DS from the other children in anyway (ie make a reference to him having 2 children instead of 3)

Your situation sounds like it has worked out well riss. I'm not very demanding and don't expect a lot, but I think it's partly to do with him having got to age 41 without having to ever worry about children (he has been married but had no children), so it's a large adjustment to have to make. He accepts my children as part of the 'package' but is still quite focussed on himself and what he wants to do (like a childless person might be...)

he may always be that way if he has gotten to thsi stage in his life childless - he may have never wantedto have them and due to his feeling about you has decided to give it ago........sounds to me like he may needs a little help or encouragement....show him how much fun a family can be and make the most of him wanting to romance you too maybe between you you can generate the right balance to make it work....he may be hesitant as he has no idea what/where/how etc

I don't think he actively didn't want children, they just never happened iykwim. I think you're right about him needing encouragement, and it would help if dd1 was less hostile, then he might feel inclined to do more... I will try to suggest more activities and see how it goes...

DD1 may take time - my DS told me later on that one of the best periods of his life (he is now 17) was the time we had alone (after splitting with his father and before getting with H now) as he had me to himself when I wasn't at work or him at school...come to think of it, it was a nice time .

he and H now have their time together doing 'man' things but there have been times when they could not relate at all especially around 15-16 years old (H has a short memory about what he was like at that age ). Admittedly I had trouble relating to him at that age. How old is DD1

My DS loved it that H asked his permission to propose and he knew about when and how ect before I did!!!

dd1 is 8. She did love having me to herself before dp came along and has told me she wishes I had never met him etc (dd2 has SN and seems to be oblivious to the changes - which is actually easier - she is quite happy with dp). It was a nice time then, although hard work. That sounds really sweet about your H asking your ds permission to propose!

dd1 seems to think that because we're not married, then dp isn't very serious about being here and isn't a 'member of the family'! It's funny where she has got these ideas from (not from me!)

well it was sweet however ds2 came along precisely 9 months later!!!

it sounds like dd1 is at an age where she is starting to assert and express herself a little more through anger and verbalising rather than tears and tantrums

dd1 is a little younger that ds1 was but maybe the girl maturin quicker thing and mother daughter things comes into it.....I know my dd LOVES girl days and often wants her brothers and father out of the house so we can play music, dance silly, do hair, dress up and put on make up THEN go out to a cafe (allthough ow I have convicnced her it is the cafe FIRST dd's make up efforts are commendable for a 5 year old recently she stopped putting the lipstick on my cheeks!!!!) She will suggest they go fishing just to remove them

DP and I have been together since Feb 2006...I have to say we moved in together quickly.....March 2006 lol. DS loved to be with him right from the word go (he doesn't see his father..his choice) and I have never had any problems since then. DP takes him out, plays with him.....does all the things any father does. BUT...dp does have 2 children of his own although the youngest (13) has never had the experiences DS has had with his father (the 13 yr old). for example we have just had a holiday to eurodisney...minus dp's ds, and are off on holiday again in august minus dps ds....his choice. I can't offer any advice because I have only had good experience and no seperation issues from dp or ds....

Good Luck xx

I am in the reverse situation - I am stepmother to my partner's two sons (10, 12) from his first marriage. We also have a daughter together (2.8).

When we first all started living together (stepsons are here approximately half the time over the year) I spent an awful lot of time with them, discussing them with my partner, building the relationship etc. It was hard work and often I felt that my relationship with my partner and my daughter were being totally sidelined in my/our attempts to "make it work" and make the boys happy.

Nearly two years later I have backed off quite a bit, and feel better for it, and my relationship with my partner, myself and my daughter are far more important now than the relationship with my stepsons. But I do think that I needed to make that huge investment at the outset in order to build trust and understanding.

Your DP does need to build the relationship with your daughters. But you might have to show him a lot of the way - he's a man

that must be hard for your stepsons if you were initially really involved with them and have now backed right off i would feel my relationship with all my dp's kids (not just one which we had together) was of equal importance tbh and i would hope he would feel the same

Could you try letting your partner take the youngest one out some time so you and your eldest daughter could have some alone time and talk things through?

It might also be less daunting for him as he might feel that you are looking over his shoulders all the time. If you see what I mean .