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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Opposite of Disney Parenting?

13 replies

floodypuddle · 03/12/2018 13:29

Does anybody else feel like their DP tries to fit all their parenting into their contact time? My DSD's are very good girls generally and I just feel like their visits are becoming stressful for everyone as my DP is determined to parent the living daylights out of them.

He is constantly correcting things such as how they are holding their knife and fork. If he overhears me telling them off he will call them over and give them a second telling off. Quite often he seems to forget that they are small (4 and 5) and don't have much of an attention span so he gets annoyed if they aren't concentrating on eating their dinner etc. Particularly the youngest is getting it as she lives in a daydream land.

I already tried telling him that he's telling them off too much a couple of weeks ago after they had gone back to their mums and he agreed with me that he will try not to as much but then the next weekend comes around and he's just as bad. It feels as if it's constant and they aren't doing anything I would particularly class as naughty. I don't know how to broach this while they are round without undermining though?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MaybeDoctor · 03/12/2018 13:55

The concept of ‘take-up time’ might be useful. This means that children need a moment to absorb and act on an instruction, they cannot always do it straight away - obviously this is age and context dependent.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/12/2018 14:55

It’s easier to be the nicer one though, so in a way it might aid your SM relationship! I would say something, it is undermining but your DP is too strict. Just pick one thing at a time though and be lighthearted.

Original poster

floodypuddle · 03/12/2018 16:31

Maybe Is there anywhere I can point him to re. the take up time? I suspect this will be something that he thinks I'm making up unless I show him!

Bananas The youngest has told me more than once she likes me more than Daddy and I think it's a bit sad! I don't know what to say to her when she says it.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/12/2018 17:12

Yes but it shows what a positive influence you can have. If you want to stay with DP and you think he loves them and is decent, just over doing it, then over time I think you’ll be able to influence that family for the better.

If you think there’s a meanness there though that’s not good, he’d still benefit from having your perspective. Find a way!

Original poster

floodypuddle · 04/12/2018 11:38

bananas He's definitely in the overdoing it camp. I'll try to keep just gently reminding him..

OP posts:

RioRio99 · 04/12/2018 12:23

Yes, my DP does this. His DD is 7 and he corrects every tiny thing she does wrong. We just had a DS and I do worry that he will be the same when he gets older...

Original poster

floodypuddle · 04/12/2018 14:33

I worry about this in the future too... I'm extraordinarily broody but I don't want my child being told off every five minutes for minor misdemeanours! I find it hard enough with step children.

OP posts:

Aroundtheworldandback · 04/12/2018 22:58

I should have your worries. Sorry not much help but trust me a Disney is far worse.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 29/12/2018 17:18

Yup, my DH does this with his two. Kind of glad to hear that it’s a ‘thing’ and I haven’t been imagining it

SandyY2K · 30/12/2018 02:02

As they her older they'll resent coming over and stop if it carries on.

Then he'll wonder why and blame his Ex.

SandyY2K · 30/12/2018 02:03

as they GET older

PerspicaciaTick · 30/12/2018 03:19

www.parentingforbrain.com/4-baumrind-parenting-styles/

Your DH sounds like an authoritarian parent, Disney parents are usually lenient. He needs to aim to be authoritative instead...much calmer and less damaging to his DCs self-esteem and confidence than constantly reminding them of how everything they do is just not good enough.

He can change - but he will need to make the effort to control himself.

Anuta77 · 30/12/2018 20:55

I'm a bit overboard with disciplining my son and it got to the point that he refers to me as "severe" all the time when talking to his friends and tells me that his friends are "afraid" of me (not sure I believe it) and I feel sad about it. I think I had no choice as my son's father is not involved, so all the burden of education falls on me and I didn't handle it the best way. Try to make him think about that.

Your SDs have a mother. Could it be that he doesn't trust her educational style? That must be difficult as he might want to compensate. He might also be projecting his own complexes onto his daughters (ex. he doesn't them to repeat his mistakes or doesn't want them to embarrass him with bad behaviour). He might want to think about that and I agree with another poster, read some articles on the subject.

It does work well for you though as you can be someone special for them. My DP doesn't discipline his daughter much, so I'm always the "severe" one.

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