Striking the Right Balance

[T2705]

Morning all,

I'm just curious really rather than looking for any real advice. How do you strike the right balance between DC and DSC with regard to stuff that happens at home?

My DC live with me, spend EOW with ExH who lives with his mum, they do not have a bedroom and sleep in their aunts room (she stays with her BF or Friends or sleeps on the sofa when they are there). Obviously this is not ideal but is not something I have any control over. Of course ExH should really try and prioritise his own home with space for them but in reality this will not happen.

DP lives with me, his DC live full time with their mum and spend one night a week and EOW with us. Eldest SD has her own room (box room) and youngest shares the biggest room with my DD (we worked this out after a LOT of discussion (and some advice from here!) so far it seems to be working ok). So theres a lot of things that DSC get two of/get to do twice which my DC potentially will not I.e. most currently the xmas tree decoration, choosing colours for their bedrooms and that sort of thing. Obviously it is not my DSC's fault that my exH doesn't provide a proper second home for my DC so they should not be penalised for it but by the same token its not my DC's fault either and is it right that they have to share every single experience etc with their step siblings who also get to do it in their other home without sharing it with other children.

Does anyone else have a similar situation? How do you work around it? Should my DC suck it up because they are now part of a 4 child family? or should there be some kind of recognition that SDC do get to do a lot of stuff twice (or more as they also spend a lot of time at their maternal grandparents and have their own rooms there too).

Again, I don't want to start a riot or get flamed, I am just curious to other peoples opinions and experiences.

What are your children missing out on? You have a point but ou because you look at what your kids are missing out on rather t an what they are gaining, ie. they get to have your SD's dad attention every day when they oy do so 3 days every 14 and still have to share his time with your kids.

Taking things away from some kids to make it fairer on those who don't have as much is not nice. It gives the message that they don't deserve what they have because others don't. Where does it end?

The same apply in non blended family. Should the smart kid to be able to go to Uni because their younger not as academic sibling will unlikely never go?

Well not everything for a start. That’s madness and promotes spoilt kids. My step kids are like this - if we do anything nice without them they moan. They’ve grown up quite selfish as a result.

However it’s nice to do some things together - around Christmas I’d always make sure my step kids and my kids did the tree decorating, and special meal before Christmas.

I think some things don’t need to be shared; if your DD is at yours the majority of the time and it’s her only bedroom while DSD has another bedroom at her mums then it’s fair for your DD to choose the colours.
I think with other things it’s depends how important it is that it’s done as a family; decorating the Christmas tree all together is a nice family thing.
What kind of other things are thinking of?

I think it depends largely on what sorts of things you are talking about and more importantly what sort of memories you want to create for the DSC.

The reality is that your DC will want to do things with you (including decorating the tree). But for the DSC, it is irrelevant (IMO) how many times they get to do this. For them, this is about decorating the tree with daddy surely? Creating memories, with daddy that they won’t do anywhere else.

Your DC get 12 out 14 days with you and your DP. Your DP gets 3 days out of 14 with his DC. I don’t think there is any hard and fast rule about the lines here, because I think they will move constantly. Do I think his DC get to pick the bedroom colour? No. But do your DSC get to pick mural stickers / lamps/ rug/ bedsheets for their part of the bedroom? Yes. That to me seems like a sensible compromise.

Decorating the tree? We had this on the weekend and DP’s DC went to town on it as my older DC sat back and watched. Just as I let my two do when younger. Then when they went to bed, I’d redecorate the tree so the ornaments weren’t all on one side. I’m heading home and about to redo the tree with my DC. Again another compromise.

I don’t think anyone has to ‘suck it up’ but I do think conversations can be had and compromises made by everyone. It’s a great life lesson to learn with no one being pandered to or be made to feel more important or less important.

TooSassy, you are absolutely right, it's never about how many times you do something but building quality time and therefore memories with both your parents. I'm a child of divorce and couldn't possibly remember if the time I remember fondly decorating the tree with my dad was also the same year I have fond memories of doing so with my mum too. What matters is that just like my half sister, I have memories of sharing this with both my parents.

I think when some children live with you full time and some part time, it’s not reasonable to include everyone in everything. Otherwise the full time children end up feeling their lives are on hold until the others get home. That just leads to resentment.

We have a mix of different arrangements in our house, some part, some full, some in between so it’s hard to coordinate. We make sure all kids are included in the big stuff like holidays but they also know life goes on when they are not here. For example, the Xmas tree gets decorated the first weekend in December and its a case of whoever is here joins in. Likewise kids who are here open advent calendars, others catch up when they get back.

Thank you for your responses. Yes I agree, I do think that it is impossible and unreasonable to include all of them in everything and yes, @sunny exactly that re the lives being on hold although I think maybe I feel this more than my DC do.

Eldest SD is the worst for getting really moody when I do stuff with my DC even though we never do anything with DP for this exact reason. I just sometimes get a bit bogged down with it all. to feel that I should be toning down the stuff I do with my DC just because the SDC are not there even though they are doing the similar things at their other home at times just makes me feel bad for my 2 and like I can't do right for doing wrong!

There are other minor things but nothing major apart from the two eldest, both pre-teen and both constantly looking for ways to feel either hard done by or getting one up on each other but to be honest I think I was just having a bit of a "moment" and having just moved house and now with xmas it is all just feeling exacerbated! No doubt it will settle itself down over the next few weeks. And then we will of course hit another phase or bump in the road because thats life with kids! xx