Bad Behaving Step son aged 11 help advise needed

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I am still having problems with my ss and it's getting worse! He doesn't seem to have much respect for adults e.g mother especially and adults in general. He lies through his teeth and we know he's lying and its not a small lie it's serious e.g taking air caps off peoples cars of which a neighbour saw him do. We found the air caps hidden in his room and gave him many opportunities to confess but no he called me a b...h and his dad a d..kh..d. He has been caught stealing money from someones wallet while at roller city, told an adult in the cinema to F... O.. as the adult asked him to stop throughing pop corn. The list goes on and on. I have two boys aged 8 and 4 and my 8 year old really loves ss but I am worried that he is a bad influence and has already got my son into trouble with one of the bad things he's done. Myself/his father/mother and step father don't seem to be able to get through to him that he is going to get in a lot of trouble if he carries on in this way. I don't want my son going out with him round the village as I'm worried ss will get up to something he shouldn't and get my son involved too. I suggested councilling but recently he done something very bad at school and was at the point of being expelled and his mother did not want what happened to get out to the public or the police! What do you suggest? Would I be unreasonable to suggest every other weekend having him, I really don't want my son going down the same road.

How did you punish him for the stealing, removing air caps etc?

My DS1 is a similar age, and if he were doing these sorts of things, he would be grounded.
He certainly wouldn't be allowed out unaccompanied by an adult until he could prove that he could be trusted.

If he called me and my DH those names, it would be an awful long time before he got any pocket money, and he'd be doing lots of chores around the house to keep him busy.

I don't think it would be helpful to cut down the amount of time he can stay with you, as this may cause him to feel unwanted.

But he does need to have firm ground rules, and consistent punishments for bad behaviour - and those rules need to be the same at your house, at his mother's house and at school.

Does he have any interests? Maybe he could get involved with scouts or a martial arts club?

I think it would be helpful if you and your DP arranged a meeting with the school, and have your SS's mother there too.

A united front is really important.

I also think that looking into the available counselling would be beneficial. It may help him to cope better with his feelings, and help him to control his behaviour.

We do ground him and talk to him and explain what he does is so wrong but it seems to go in one ear and out of the other.I don't trust him to go out and about but his father will and even he says he doesn't trust him but he still lets him go out. I think his dad finds it very difficult and doesn't say no for an easy life. If I told ss he couldn't go out until he can be trusted there would be great arguments with the father I am sure. My son who 8 I can trust but not with ss.

I'm sure it is a difficult situation for you, as a stepmother.
Re "I think his dad finds it very difficult and doesn't say no for an easy life" - but it's not resulting in an easy life for any of you.
I think your DH is going to have to toughen up.
Maybe you could start with 5 house rules that everyone has to follow.
But I think the lead re discipline will have to come from your DH.

This is a common problem a lot of people face with children where the parents are no longer together. Too often the child is given too many allowances at an age when they need to be given boundries, all because the parents feel guilty 'he/she is only acting that way because of what we the parents did, therefore we the parents don't feel like we can discipline them for it'.

Father guilt is especially destructive in this way, because it is usually the father who is the non-resident parent, and it is the non-resident parent who always feels the most guilt - even when the marriage breakup wasn't their fault!

Your SS is 11 and now is the time to nip this in the bud. If you don't do it now well, there's only one route this can go down isn't there? These problems will then seem like a walk in the park compared with the drink/drugs/borstal/prison problems this boy is heading towards!

He is still such a young child, and your husband and his ex need to face up to teh fact that they're the parents, and they need to do what is necessary to get him back on the straight and narrow. If what he did was so bad that the mother is worried about the police! Well, now is so not a good time to be teaching this boy that he can do these really bad things, and not face consequences. Latter society will heap the consequences on him!

my step son is 10 and whilst not displaying severe behavioural problems, is already slamming doors and sulking for hours on end, making the whole household feel depressed.

We try to be consistent in both houses and his parents are adopting a united front even though
they are still privately sworn enemies. This approach seems to be working at the moment.

He is worse at times when he is feeling insecure, however, for example he is about t finish year 6 and had a tantrum yesterday for the first time in weeks.

I also find a system of rewards for good behaviour effective.