Problems with DPs XP

[ImSureIllGetFlamed]

I've name changed because DP knows I use MN and wouldn't appreciate me putting this online for advice.

I have been with my DP for over 5 years he has two DC and I have one all very close in age and all girls. DPs ex has always hated me and blamed me for them not getting back together even though they were apart for a long time before we met and even though she was in a relationship, she would admit to people she always thought they would get back together because they had DC.

I get along great with DPs kids which has caused some jealously from their DM and she has told them not to talk about me to her. There have been problems in the past with DPs eldest and my DD just the normal arguing and bickering but the situation always gets heightened when DSD mum finds out even though the situation has been dealt with and done at our house.

For the last year DSD has had form for telling lies. She says stuff to us her DM has apparently said and her DM calls her a lier then she says things to her DM about us but that can never be a lie. It's not just close family members that DSD has lied about but other people/situations which have been proven DSD isn't telling the truth. Both DP and his XP have brushed everything under the carpet and there's never any consequences for DSD just don't do it again.

Now DSD has apparently said things about me that I have in no way shape or form said to her ever! But obviously XP doesn't believe me even though DP was there in the situations mentioned and knows it's completely untrue. As usual there will be no way of this situation being dealt with, XP is denying what she has said to me and saying another thing to DP and he will happily just let this die down and forget it ever happened for an easy life but the problem is I can't.

I'm no longer comfortable around his DD even though I love her to bits but it leaves me vulnerable to more lies and even if I don't have her on my own XP doesn't believe DP because this is her opportunity to slate me to anyone that will listen.

I just don't know how to handle this situation at all and I'm hoping others can come along and hopefully pass on some advice.

Both my SD and SS went through stages where basically everything that came out of their mouths was a lie - and they were good at it. Really really convincing. Part of it was the age they were at, part of it was they were telling their Mother what they thought she wanted to hear. Part of it I think was to build themselves up, not understanding that when they were caught out, and eventually they always were, lying always made the situation much worse than it may have been originally.

Eventually I got to the point where I just couldn't be bothered, and told them so. I pointed out that because of the constant lies, even when they were telling the truth, they would not be believed, and it would come back and bite them in the bum. And it did to a certain extent. Having said that, SD is still a very good liar, and still hasn't learnt that if you lie, eventually, somewhere, somehow, you get found out, and people loose respect and trust for you.

I don't know how old your SD is, but I'm assuming old enough to know right from wrong. Therefore, I'd be blunt with her and say that if she has to lie, take it somewhere else. You're over it and actually although you love her, it's making her really hard to like at the moment. Then I'd distance myself as much as possible. She'll get the message.

Your DP knows the truth and so do you, and so does your DD. The only one who is making herself look bad is DD. Let her. That's a decision she is making every time she lies. So be it. Actually, I'd point that out to DD as well, see if it sinks in.

As for what XP believes, who cares? That's her problem, not yours. We all want to be liked, especially if the dislike is unfounded and based on lies, but at the end of the day, you can't change it, so let it go.

You can't make your DP take action over it. Again, let it go.

Eventually, the truth will come out and you will be vindicated. Until then, hold your head up high, practice distancing yourself a little and leave her to it.

sorry - so does your SD, not DD!

Thank you for replying Blendingrock, I don't care if the XP likes me or not but I care about the things she is saying about me to other people which isn't true.

I want to distance myself and just in general leave DP to his time with his DC but he doesn't want that to happen and wants us all to be able to spend time together and go out as normal. I want to point out that SDDs get time with there DDad alone but always ask for me and my DD there because they miss us.

I have told SDD when she's tried to tell me stuff I know she is lying about that I don't want to listen to fibs but if she wants to tell me to truth then I'll listen and she goes back to her DM tells her she had an issue wanted to talk to me and I refused to listen shut her down and it made me cry and then her DM answer is I'm a horrible person and DP can't see his kids because of me.

I could have written this myself OP, I love my DSD but I am disengaging due to the lies she tells people and the fact that it’s causing me to become very depressed.

I can’t handle it anymore and my partner, my step daughters mum and my partners mum seem to be happy to bury their heads in the sands and make excuses for her stories and lies and not actually discipline her or seek out the help she requires.

Just sick of trying my best and getting treated like the scape goat :-(

No advice op just know you’re not alone :-)

I want to distance myself and just in general leave DP to his time with his DC but he doesn't want that to happen and wants us all to be able to spend time together and go out as normal.

I’d say to him he could have had that if he’d given DSD any consequences for lying, but as he’s allowed her to lie he’s made the situation what it is.

I’d the go about my life leaving him to his contact time. Every time he complained I’d remind him it was his lack of parenting that led everyone to this position. Then go about my day. He doesn’t get to decide what you do during his contact time.

I do think DP needs to put in place consequences but I think he's so scared that she will say she doesn't want to come and her DM will egg it on until she needs them to come.

The problem with leaving them to it is we live together and he has them just under 50/50 so it means me and my DD going out or staying out which I think at the minute is what should happen.

it means me and my DD going out or staying out which I think at the minute is what should happen.

Do that.
If your DP complains say it's due to the lies and him not taking action.

It's making you uncomfortable around her... so until it's addressed you have no choice.

He might actually do something if your absence during time impacts on him.

I think you need a circle of protection around your household. So make sure DP and you are as united as possible. Does he listen to the lies? Or believe them? If he doesn’t, and he realizes his daughter does lie, then you have most of your problem solved.

Outside if this circle is the Ex. So what if she is told lies? What harm does it do you? How do you know what lies are told? If Ex communicates these lies to DP, then that communication has to stop or just be ignored. Take the wind out of this. Ex is not going to like you, so in a sense that dynamic is too out of your ‘circle’ to tackle.

Now if DSD lies about you, DD or anyone in your household, take direction action yourself. I wouldn’t wait for DP, but make sure he backs you up.

Basically, don’t give any actions outside your circle power (ignore Ex stuff). Take control of inside your circle more firmly.

Take your DD out when DSD comes. Let your DP parent his own daughter for a change — I bet he puts down consequences the minute the lies are about him!

The issue here is your DP - not the EX.

He needs to deal with it, how Ex reacts to what she is told is up to her and he needs a mechanism of how he deals with her aswell.

DSD wants attention for whatever reason and she gets it from Mum but Dad is not reacting so she does it more. He needs to make it clear that he knows she is lying and she will not get what she wants.

EX has every right not to want to hear your name in her house if she wants. Personally disagree with that stance but I do get where it comes from. Any mention of OW was painful for me. DCs knew she hated me ( she told them and called me various names) they would then go out of their way to show she had occasionally done something nice for them - think that hurt even more because I knew she was manipulating them and did not mean it. I chose the ignore method, except for when the tales were actually true. Think feeding my DC a food that makes him have explosive diarrhoea !

Your DP needs to sort this out and parent his child