The learning/fun divide

[Etide]

Hi all, I am new here and new to being a step parent - this is going to be rambling sorry.

I have been living with my partner for the past two months now. He has an 8 year old daughter who we have 3-4 days a week. We get on great, and she's a brilliant kid.

However, I totally disagree with how my other half and his ex parent her with regards to her education and the time she spends watching TV, playing on her iPad, watching videos etc. I am finding it very hard to not be jugemental and a huge nag about the situation, but I know that favouring all of these distractions will not help her in the long run.

I know that my partner has been a bit lenient with the whole balance of fun vs 'boring' stuff since he and his ex wife split. But it can't be all fun all the time right?

She really struggles with her reading, and attention span. She really does not apply herself to any of her work and just expects to do all the fun stuff.
Her mother also has got into the habit of not doing any homework with her, so when we get her in the week all of the homework has piled up, leaving an inadequate time to help her with it and actually go through it properly a few times with her to make sure she understands it.

I am getting so frustrated by it all as I just want what is best, but know that my role is limited as I cannot alter what goes on when she is with her mother.

There is no consistent routine for her education, other than going to school, and even then she can't recall what she has learned when my partner and I ask her about her day or her topics.

We did implement a no iPad rule, unless she read at least a chapter of a book a day, but she just decided to not use the iPad instead. This rule also hasn't lasted because of the split parenting and my partner being too lenient.

I am torn, because it is not my role to implement these structures and I cannot uphold any routine or structure to her learning.

I hate myself for saying this, but it makes me dislike my stepdaughter as I feel my partner has parent goggles and can't see how all of this is numbing his daughters brain and setting her up for failure.
This isn't how I would raise my own children, and so I get so frustrated trying to fix these problems.

This is very rambling, but I feel so stifled and fed up. It's only been 2 months and I know that it's only going to get worse if something doesn't change.

I keep thinking I should take a step back and leave the education and homework etc to my partner. But he's very busy and isn't always available at a decent time to help with homework etc, so if I don't step in, she won't do any of it or will leave it until she is so tired it's a real struggle and not productive.

Anyone else been in this situation? Please tell me what you did/do?

My DSC aren't hugely academic and their Mum thinks paying for an education absolves her of any involvement. DH wants them to do well but doesn't get involved with their schools and when he helps with homework, he lacks patience and can turn the DSC off learning.

I've tried to help and it's not always been a bad thing but I've got grief for innocuous things like making DSC use a book for research instead of the internet. As they get older, I have stepped away as it's not worth the hassle.

I'd limit my involvement to making sure her homework is done, helping if she asks and seeing if you can pique her interest in everyday learning when out and about.

You've got yourself in a no win situation, I absolutely couldn't cope with parenting like that, I'm far more like you.

I just can't see a way for it to be resolved without you taking the crap.

If you ignore it and leave them to it you will be driven crazy. If you step in you could end up being resented by dsd, and have all that to contend with. all because you are trying to do the right thing.

I would try and take a hard look at the situation, where could it lead. His parenting wouldn't be different if you decide to have a child with him. Don't lose yourself within this madness.

I think you just have to try not to care for your own sanity.

Her parents can’t be arsed with her education so don’t let yourself get stressed about it.

It’s hard to let go, but it really is better in the long run.

Can you just do fun things with her instead and remind yourself it’s jot your responsibility to make sure she does well at school? It’s hard, but it will be harder trying to make your DH come round to your way of thinking.

You've got yourself in a no win situation, I absolutely couldn't cope with parenting like that, I'm far more like you.

I just can't see a way for it to be resolved without you taking the crap.

If you ignore it and leave them to it you will be driven crazy. If you step in you could end up being resented by dsd, and have all that to contend with. all because you are trying to do the right thing.

I would try and take a hard look at the situation, where could it lead. His parenting wouldn't be different if you decide to have a child with him. Don't lose yourself within this madness.

The phrase 'Rome wasn't built in a day' springs to mind.

Anyone else been in this situation? Please tell me what you did/do?

I waited two years before I started making suggestions / sharing my opinion on this stuff.

Chill out. Love her. Love him. Go gently.

You say you've been living together 2 months - how long have you been in a relationship with your DP? And when you say you're now a step-parent, how do you define that term?

but I know that favouring all of these distractions will not help her in the long run
You do not know that. You are making assumptions based on your beliefs and values. They could be correct or not. Indeed, if this was an evidence, no parents would allow it.

I am getting so frustrated by it all as I just want what is best, but know that my role is limited as I cannot alter what goes on when she is with her mother.
Nor should you when she is with her dad. You've only been sharing her dad's home for 2 months. She's had to adjust to sharing her space and her father. She's done that with good grace but that's not enough, you now want to change her habits and comfort. You are way too invested in her, bringing your own views on education. Bringing up children as you think is right is a privilege you get when you have your own children, not something you so with the children of other people. You sharing her life doesn't give you that right.

If her behaviour affects your own well-being, that's fine but expecting her to change her comfort zone just because of your assumptions on her future is wrong.

If you can't accept her as she is and can only cope to spend time with her if you can model her to be the child that suits you, then you are not right for this man. You're right it is not going to get better if you feel so negative about it after only two months. Unless you learn that you all you can do is make suggestions which might all be rejected, and still enjoy living with your OH and daughter, you need to get out. This child has no responsibility towards you to do what you want to make you happy.

Stop judging how she is parented and back off. Poor kid, only two months accepting you in her life and already disliked by you because she's not the child you'd like her to be. Poor kid.

My SC's were 7 & 9 when I moved in. I have never commented on any aspect of their education or how they spent their spare time. I think you do need to take a step back here.
Not all kids like reading, but trading reading for iPod time seems counter intuitive to me. Does Dad read with her? Even at this age, a story at bedtime occasionally can be fun. Maybe she just needs some different reading material?
If you want to help this girl, maybe instead of trying to impose how you think things should be done, perhaps consider how she likes to learn and engage and follow up on that.
My DD does like to read, but we also do things like watch films, listen to audiobooks in the car and so on, so the joy of reading is really coming from a place of enjoying a story. But lots of kids - my DSS was like this, barely read, didn't like fiction, loved gaming and interacting with friends that way. DH used to play a lot with him on his Xbox. DSS graduated from Uni with a first a couple of years ago.

You need to remind yourself every morning that you are not your DP’s daughter’s parent. She has a mum and dad who probably love her a lot. If you have concerns about her education raise it with your DP but take a step back if he decides there isn’t a problem.

By the way my DH has never read for pleasure and still got his Masters.

Step back, not your place to step in here, simply because it has only been two months since you have been living there.

If she isn’t reading, that’s up to the parents.
How long she spends on devices? Up to the parents. Struggling with homework/ not getting done, up to the parents and for the parents to resolve with the school and the teachers if it gets bought up on parents evening. Why you’re letting this wind you up is something I don’t understand.

Education is incredibly important to me BTW. I’ve always read to my DC and they have naturally inherited my love of reading and unwind reading anything from a newspaper/ to an asterix book/ to a football magazine. From young, every Sunday morning was mini colouring / playing / reading/ writing etc. A real focus on learning via play.

My DP’s DC are not the same. Their DM does not have the same focus on basic literacy (as an example) that I do. His eldest DC was massively behind my DC in terms of reading ability at the same age. Started school not being able to read and is one of the eldest in their year.

Did it bother me? Nope. Did I interfere? Nope. Does it impact me? Nope.
I also don’t think at such a young age, what they do now is any barometer of what they will achieve when older. Will my DC be more successful because they learnt to read a few years early? Not necessarily. Will my DP’s DC be less successful because they were late to the table in terms of reading? Not necessarily.

I am raising my DC as I best see fit with my exh. And my DP and his EW are doing the same. It Certainly didn’t bother me one iota and I doubt it ever will. His DC are not my kids and they are not for me to agonise over.

If they ever came to me for help with homework or wanting to read, I’d absolutely pile in and help/ read with them. But they’ve never asked and I don’t intend to interfere.

and even then she can't recall what she has learned when my partner and I ask her about her day or her topics
By the way, this is totally normal behaviour, most kids don't want to talk about what they've done at school, especially when they don't enjoy school much. Their 'I don't remember' has nothing to do with their memory, it's actually a healthy way to relax and put school behind them for the time being.

Also when you say she really struggles with her reading, what do you mean? Has her teacher expressed concern and your OH has sharex this with you or are you comparing with someone else?