Moving in together - belnding families

[GrumpySwissCat]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and would now like to move in together, ie buy a house together. I have 2 children (7 and 9) who live with me 50%, he has 2 (15 and 17) who live with him all the time. We all get on very well together. The teens are fine with the idea of moving in together. I have not yet spoken to my two about this yet. My question is how best to broach the subject with my two.
A few weeks ago when partner and I first started talking about moving in together a situation arose where there was a hypothetical discussion between me and my children about us all moving in together. My daughter (9) had a meltdown and said "that would be my worst nightmare". When I dug a bit deeper it seemed to be about having to 'share' me. She felt that she would then never have Mummy time, and that it would never be just the three of us.
I don't know how best to bring up this conversation again and how best to frame it. For example, do I talk to them alone, with my partner, as a family of 6?
Thanks for any advice/experience/suggestions anyone has.
(Sorry I am new on here and am not too sure about all the abbreviations)

Can you move in together before buying a house? Living together changes things, no matter how long you've been a couple, and that's even without blending two family units.

What are your routines in the week? When I moved in with DP he was commuting and out the house long hours. His kids were only there at weekends so we did still get quite a bit of time in our little family of 3 (me and my 2 kids) You say the teens love there full time but teens don't tend to demand attention as much as younger kids - so your DD may still get quite a bit of you. Have a think about routines and try might happen so you can reassure her.

We did quite a bit of writing down our house "rules" and routines before we moved in together - as a single parent you don't need to have written rules because what you say goes, but when you're trying to blend two established household then you do. We agreed what compromises and changes each of us would make and then each then tried to instigate as many of them as possible before we even told the kids of the plan to move in together. We were lucky I think in that they were either excited about it, or ambivalent and it's gone well.

I'd talk to them alone, that way they will be free to be honest with you, and you with them without any negative feelings side-tracking the conversation, and without the others feeling attacked.

Your daughter is scared. She may like your partner, but Mum's boyfriend is a very different beast to Mum's live in partner. You don't mention whether or not your ex is still part of your children's lives, but it may be that your daughter secretly hopes, just a bit, that a miracle will occur and you'll get back together. I only say this because when DP and I blended our families, his middle girl (who was 8 at the time) begged him to get back together with her Mum, despite liking me, and despite knowing that her parents were better apart and living together had made them both miserable. Us moving in together was concrete proof that the dream of "happily ever after with Mum and Dad" was never going to happen, even though they'd been separated for years, and I was not his first girlfriend after the separation.

She will also need reassurance that your partner is NOT going replace her Dad, ever.

Yes, it will change your dynamic, your daughter is right about that, BUT you need to help her see it doesn't have to change it for the worse. You will have to make an effort to reassure her on that. Point out all the benefits/good stuff/things to look forward to. Make time for just the 3 of you. Make time for just you and your daughter.

I also think Firefliess suggestion is a good one. If your partner and you are on the same page from day 1 as to how you will parent etc, then that will save a truck load of grief further down the line.

Good luck!

Thanks so much for your comments and advice.
@AnneLovesGilbert we had thought about renting first, but it's not really feasible (two moves etc) and we have spent a lot of time staying over at eachother's houses and holidays etc. It will be different, and probably more different than either of us anticipate but it's something we are ready to do.
@Firefliess There will still be time for just the three of us and I will make sure of that. And you are right about teens not needing as much attention. It's how to reassure my kids of that. My daughter especially is not very good with change, or with the 'unknown' so I think there are lots of things I will need to reassure her about and that some things will stay the same.
You say you started instigating some of the 'new' rules and routines before telling the kids. When did you tell the kids? My feeling is to leave it as late as possible (especially in view of the above, not being very good with change and unknowns) but at the same time I don't want them to feel they have no say at all, or that this is being thrust on them out of the blue
@BlendingRock Thanks for all your helpful suggestions. I think my gut is also to tell them alone first of all. My ex is still very much part of their lives, they are with him approx 45% of the time. I think you are right that there is a still a little secret hope that we will get back together even though she can't remember a time when we were together (she was barely 2, my son was a baby). How was it for you and for your partner's daughter when you did then move in together?

Hi,

I agree with what a lot of previous posters have said. It is a difficult process, I am a little bit further along and we have just moved to our new house. DSD's (12 and 8) do not live with us full time but are there one night a week and every other weekend and half the holidays. My daughter is very high maintenance and its not been easy but we are getting there. You have a much bigger age gap than we do which is probably a good thing particularly as others have said the teenagers tend to go off and do their own thing a lot.

We ensure that we regularly do stuff all together and also as our "separate" family units. My 2 children do still get a lot of time just the 3 of us with DPs working hours etc. Christmas will be a challenge as I already know my daughter is not going to like having to "share" the decorating of the tree and our other little xmas traditions but I am already thinking of ways around this!

Personally, I think telling them as late as possible would be the worst option but obviously you know your own children best! Mine were involved every step of the way (there were a few delays so it ended up taking nearly 6 months) and it helped that we moved to a nicer house, with a park close by and we really bigged up all the positives, newly decorated bedrooms, choosing their own colours etc etc. We visited the area several times, always saying ooh look we will be so close to this nice park/coffee shop etc etc.

We moved 3 weeks ago and yesterday I asked my kids whether they missed the old house and got a resounding NO! So as it stands I think they have settled in better than me haha!!

Many people undermine what it means for kids to have another adult coming into the life of their main carers. Yes, the reality is that kids of separated parents might get more attention from them by default but these are kids who have already gone through a big change to their routine when their parents separated and of course, they only get the attention of one parent at a time rather than both.

My kids were 10 and 7 when we moved in with my partner and what we made sure was to keep an element of me being a single mum to them as well as being a blended family. This suited my OH totally as he was happy to also hold on to an part of his old life.

That means that although we incorporated family customs, I continued to spend a lot of time with my kids alone including taking them on holiday just the three of us as we'd done for years. Its hard to be a single parent in a blended family as you feel torn in all places, giving time to your partner, time to your children and then time to you as a unit, and somehow finding a little bit of me time in between, especially when working FT, but unless kids are very little and the new partner is happy to become a dad FT, that's what we owe our kids.

Definitely talk alone and maybe you could book to do things to do just the three of you over say next summer so that she knows you mean it when you tell her you'll still do things together. You can't take away it is going to be a big change to her, what you can do is be there to reassure her at every stage. It is the little things that will matter to her, so do watch the decision you make in terms of time and attention you give her. Most likely over the time, she'll realised that it is lovely to have a full on family life.

My DM told me and my DB we were moving in together with her partner and his two DCs when I was about 7.

She told us on our own which I think was the right thing to do. I was upset and forbade it! I didn't want to leave the house I liked or share my mum. My DM left it at that and revisited the topic later and after my knee-jerk reaction was able to discuss it a bit more.

It is so important to have time just the 3 of you, and make it clear that it will still happen, but it will be mixed in with wider family stuff. So many people on here insist that once your family is blended you must never act like you're two different families, but I can only assume these people were not step children.

We told them about 2 months before - enough time to get used to the idea but not too long to be worrying about it.

Please give your DCs plenty of notice before you do this. Is there a rush?

How was it for you and for your partner's daughter when you did then move in together?

To be honest, it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride. By the time we moved in together she had swung completely the other way, to the point of telling her Mother that she was not her Mum any more 'cos she had a new Mum now! I was horrified. Once the dust settled it was good until she hit the teenage years and then the hormones kicked in and it was "You're not my Mum, stop acting like it!". She's 19 now and still living at home (despite saying from about the age of 16 that she "couldn't wait to move out and be herself") and over the years she's confided things to me that I know she hasn't told her Mum, or her Dad for that matter, so I guess we've not done too badly

T2705 - the decorating of the Christmas tree is I think the offer single occasion I can recall where we've had real conflict between the DC/DSC since moving in. The DSC had some silly little laminated pics of themselves that they'd always hung on the tree and DD (9) absolutely flipped out about them saying they were "not Christmassy"

Thanks again everyone for all your comments and sharing your stories. It really helps knowing others have been through it and survived 😁
MessyBun - why do you say that? Do you have experience of telling or being told something like that and not having enough time to process? I think every child is different and I know esp my daughter would work herself up into a tizz with worry about ‘the unknown’. I’m thinking wait until we’ve had an offer on house accepted and then tell them and show them the house - it’ll be a good few weeks if not months before we can then move in anyway but at least there’ll be a concrete house to imagine ourselves in.

It’s good to know that finding time to just be a small family is possible as well as the bigger family unit!

I personally think that with anxious children, what helps them most is to be honest with them throughout the process as they thrm don't have to also worry about what can be hidden from them.

On this basis, I wouldn't wait to tell thrm before the house is bought. If anything, that gives her time to adjust to idea through the process and I would a tually involve her in visiting etccc to give her a sense of control over the situation.

Saying that she is only 9 so it also depends on her maturity and able to have some understanding of the process of buying a house when you explain it to her.

@Firefliess I am foreseeing the potential for trouble with this too! Our xmas tree is a huge multi coloured mishmash, with me and my DC choosing a new bauble each every year going back to when they were tiny, and we each then hang all of "our" baubles on the tree and whilst I plan to now include DP and his children in this, it will obviously cause an issue!

That said, SDC's will have decorated their tree at home and also their grandparents so I am hoping they may be less interested in doing another one....(yeah right!) its another bridge to cross!