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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

If you do Christmas Eve boxes

31 replies

PoesyCherish · 28/11/2018 13:20

How do you handle it when DSC are not with you Christmas Eve? Do you still make them one up and give it to them next time they come?

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Froglette16 · 28/11/2018 13:24

I don’t have DSC but I probably would, to help them feel included.

T2705 · 28/11/2018 13:53

I haven't had this problem yet, so no practical advice! How old are they? Will they have one wherever they are on xmas eve?

Handsfull13 · 28/11/2018 13:56

I don't do a box but I do a book and pjs Xmas eve. For the years we don't have my step son I give it to him the last night he is with us before Xmas.

funinthesun18 · 28/11/2018 13:57

I would just make them a Christmas Eve box if they are with us. I think they are intended as all part of the fun of Christmas Eve, (Xmas eve pyjamas, Christmas film, Xmas eve box...) so if they receive it on Boxing Day it isn’t really going to have the same effect. I would make one if they was with us though.
I don’t know, I just feel it’s a bit pointless making them an Xmas eve box if they’re going to be elsewhere on Xmas eve. It’s like if they are going to be elsewhere when you’re eating Xmas dinner, would you make them some too and give it to them next time they come?

xmasbaba2014 · 28/11/2018 13:59

I only do them for kids who are here, that includes my older kids who are with their dad every other year. They don't expect to get them at a later date instead.

Original poster

PoesyCherish · 28/11/2018 14:04

How old are they? Will they have one wherever they are on xmas eve?

She's 6 and no she won't get one at her Mum's.

It’s like if they are going to be elsewhere when you’re eating Xmas dinner, would you make them some too and give it to them next time they come?

We always postpone Xmas dinner until she's with us. But in the future if we have DC together then we'd just do 2 Christmas dinners - one for Christmas Day and one for the next time she's with us. But then I grew up with having it Christmas day and Boxing day despite both my parents being together.

OP posts:

Mumshappy · 28/11/2018 20:52

I think i would give her one to open on xmas eve at her mums.

user1493413286 · 28/11/2018 20:56

No I won’t still be doing it this year when DSD isn’t with us; in the future when our DD is older we’ll just do it with her if DSD isn’t here. We collect her Boxing Day and do a second Christmas Day so I’m not sure where the Christmas Eve box would work for us to do.

KataraJean · 28/11/2018 20:56

No, don’t intrude on her mum’s time, her mum will have her own way of doing Christmas Eve.

Beamur · 28/11/2018 21:00

I think at your home, do your thing. I don't think you should send one to another parents home though. I'd find that overstepping.
The routine we found worked for us, was for SC's to spend Xmas Eve and morning of Xmas Day with their Mum, then to ours later during the day. So they had stockings at Mums, but not at our house. Eve boxes not a thing here until DD asked for one last year. I won't be doing them for my (grown up) DSC's though.

user1493413286 · 28/11/2018 21:07

I’d keep the Christmas Eve box as your thing on your year rather than send it to her mums; I imagine they have traditions there and it may not be kindly received

Chuffingchuff · 28/11/2018 21:40

We have a Christmas eve box here for DC. My DSD is never allowed to spend Christmas eve with us, so last year at her request we made her her own Christmas eve box to take home. Hopefully one year we will all get to have our Christmas Eve box together. But we wouldn't do a second one on a different day, i think it's just for Christmas eve.

TooSassy · 28/11/2018 22:02

Nope Christmas Eve box is just that. It’s for Xmas eve. My DC aren’t with me this year and they won’t get one. Up to my exh to decide what he wants to do

stinkypoo · 28/11/2018 22:06

As a step child, I wasn't included in anything that happened at my Dads with his other children.
But I don't think he actually ever made any special effort with my younger half-siblings either.
If I was with my parent & step-parent for Christmas Eve, I would expect the same as my siblings (step or otherwise) though.

BruthasTortoise · 28/11/2018 22:22

Yes, my DSSs get their Christmas Eve box, their stockings and their Santa presents no matter where they spend Christmas. In fairness they live with us and at age 18 and 14 they've only ever spent two Christmases with their DM but they got the same on those years. I couldn't imagine making any difference between all our kids and I would think they would be upset if I did.

Youseethethingis · 29/11/2018 00:24

My DSDs mother has unilaterally decided that that DSD will never ever spend a birthday or Christmas with her dad, so we always celebrate early rather than late. Christmas Eve and all related activities will be held on 21st December, including Christmas Eve box, if we were doing one. Can’t have Christmas dinner on Boxing Day and THEN put out mince pies for Santa, that’s missing out a large part of all the sweet old traditions IYSWIM. By doing it early, DSD will have memories of doing these things with her dad growing up, regardless of her mothers rules about the actual calendar date. So my vote is early rather than late celebratations, and do it all in full and with gusto

Original poster

PoesyCherish · 29/11/2018 07:51

Thanks all. We would never do a box to send to her Mum's. Either her Mum wants to do it herself or she doesn't, that's her call not ours. I like the idea of doing it early. .

@Youseethethingis DSD's Mum has decided the same thing.

@stinkypoo do you think it would've been nice if he had included you even if you weren't there?

OP posts:

Beamur · 29/11/2018 08:31

I think doing something early, or having your own traditions are a nice way to include all your children.
My DD and DSC's have quite a big age gap, so things like taking DD to see Father Christmas, we wouldn't have taken the DSC's as they were teens by then, but if they'd been closer in ages I can see that would be unfair.
My experience as a blended family is that things like Christmas are a compromise. DH and his Ex tried it a couple of different ways, but the pattern we tend to follow works well. Their Mum pretty much always gets Xmas Eve & morning/lunch and we see them from later onwards. DH doesn't really like eating a big meal during the day, so it actually suits him better that we have a nice family meal in the evening. Everyone's pretty chilled out (sherry) and it's good.

Petalbird · 29/11/2018 08:32

When the dsc are not with us we have a fake Christmas eve and Christmas day where we do the same things we would if we have them for Christmas

Original poster

PoesyCherish · 29/11/2018 09:04

My experience as a blended family is that things like Christmas are a compromise

You're right there. Sadly compromise isn't a word in the Ex's vocabulary. It always has to be her way - which is to say she gets every Christmas eve and Christmas day and then Boxing day morning. And also this year she has decided her plans are more important for most of the rest of December too so we're "allowed" to see DSD one weekend early in December and then we're not allowed to see her again until New Years Eve.

OP posts:

Beamur · 29/11/2018 09:18

Poesy
That's a long way from reasonable. Does your DH have defined access?
We were lucky in having a bunch of decent adults in our situation making decisions about what was for the kids, so court was never needed.

Original poster

PoesyCherish · 29/11/2018 09:58

Not at Christmas / birthdays @Beamur as the mediator thought they could sort it out like adults. Sadly that's not the case and she complies at mediation but then immediately goes back on it or ignores what was said.

Although DP is supposed to have every other weekend contact which she's obviously gone back on next month.

OP posts:

Beamur · 29/11/2018 10:01

How miserable for you. Not fair on the kids either.
Are you keeping a record of all the missed contact?

WeeBeasties · 29/11/2018 10:09

I am from a blended family, was a step child and also had step siblings and half siblings (still do). I don't think it's possible or right to treat all blended children exactly the same at all times. It's just not realistic and sets false expectations further down the line.
I used to go to my dads on boxing day. Should I have expected him to curtail all the xmas eve and xmas day traditions he has with my half sister because my brother and I weren't there? No because that's nonsense.

Youseethethingis · 29/11/2018 12:47

OP, having read your updates I would definitely celebrate early. Not only will it mean that you can experience everything all together, it will really piss that bitch off that you got to do stuff “first”

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