Nail on the head - it's always a dp issue

[Spanglyprincess1]

Just I've seen a few threads about this issue so if like to share, I was talking to a friend and I think she hit the nail on the head!
Basically it went - 'you don't have an issue with teh children, they are good children and you have always got on. What you ahve an issue with if the fact they are constantly used as an excuse to not do what was agreed or promised and it naturally causes resentment'.
This above is the main issue, it hits the nail.on the head for me as a step parent. I like the step kids a lot, we play buy gifts, i accomadate them , do homework and worry about them. The issue at least with us is not ever ever the children - it their parents using them as an excuse when it 100% is nothing to do with the kids.
Not sure what can be done about it but I think this causes a lot of issues.

Agree with this 100%

Parents are not objective. Me and DP are very much in love but our parenting is poles apart. Guilt, passivity, avoidance, is how he does it.

It’s stressful. And we don’t even live together!

Don’t know what the answer is!

Yep. I can't see any solution either!
The best and most infuriating is him not having any idea how it impacts us.
Mynew way is that's fine but you agreed x , if x isn't happening that is your choice but I've made plans based on that and I am now unable to cahnge those plans.
Causes a few rows but it keeps me sane

Don’t know what the answer is!
Being in love doesn't make a relationship and that's where the lack of objectivity comes in. If your parenting is pole apart then you are just not right for each other, end of.

I don't think the issue is a lack of objectivity from the parents but instead a different emotional outlook on priorities.

When you meet someone without a past, you can mould your future together as you wish even if you start with some different perspectives. When you meet someone who has already established responsibilities and roles, you can't expect them to undo them because you don't like how they carry them.

I was single for 7 years after my ex and I seperated. I met a number of men during that time and some I felt something for but couldn't take things forward because I knew it wouldn't work with my children (be it parenting views, distance, financial position etc...). When I met my OH it was love at the first sight for both of us, but we both agree that it needed to work with my kids to move things forward. He didn't want to commit to a relationship unless he liked my kids and imagined himself living with them as they were, and I didn't want to commit to a man who wasn't going to respect the way I'd chosen to raise my kids. Of course there had to be some compromises when we did move together but these were not significant and done over time naturally.

Sadly being in love is only one part of the puzzle to make a blended family work.

I always think that blaming the children or even the ex is a low blow because as adults we choose how we react to things. I had to put my foot down fairly early on with DH that he is DSSs parent and he needs to sort out contact, money, parenting etc. These are not my problem. I will be warm, welcoming, interested, supportive etc but I'm not his parent. I see so many posts where the ex is apparently a monster and DP is a faultless hero dad and it's just not true because none of us are perfect.

If your parenting is pole apart then you are just not right for each other, end of

Hmmm... not sure that I agree with that, but as you pointed out later in your post, it's all about compromise. If you can't compromise, then yes, your'e doomed.

When DH and I first blended our family we had very VERY different parenting styles. Long story short, he had to learn to step up, I had to learn to step back. 10 years on we still disagree sometimes, and sometimes we don't like the decision the other one has made, but we agree to disagree and let it go.

Honestly it depends. DPs aren’t responsible for everything and cannot control their exes behaviour or their kids after a certain age. Although a really mature and boundaried DP can really help!

DPs cannot...
Stop manipulation.
Make their kids not resent a SM - the older they are, the more they will not be influenced by their Dad. In fact a more guilty Dad might inadvertently reward this by indulging them.
Make their Ex stop taking out her bitterness through the kids. Or stop Ex making her kids feel disloyal if they acknowledge a SM.

I think it can be naive and over simplistic to boil this down to a DP problem.

You don’t see the toxic MIL postings blaming their husbands!

Blending rock, I agree with you, the limit on compromise is how much it expect a compromise on principles. Everyone moving together will have to make changes in habits and customs, that's almost inevitable. This process is much easier the younger you are and these are not so set any longer.

When it requires changing behaviours that requires to change, usually in a completely opposite manner, the way you believe you should bring up children, it rarely works because the compromise on one party is such that it's almost inevitable that resentment will step in and indeed, resentment is often what leads people to come and post here.

Finding a partner to share our lives with is not easy, we don't fall in love so easily so when we do, we hang on to that person but I think in most cse, it's easier to find someone who does share similar values and principles than it is to expect them to change their ingrained views to ours although it is easier to do with people whose confidence is not so high and are opened to being shown how someone's else principles are better adapted to the family dynamics. The problem is that it is then the kids who might not be accepting of the adaptation and its the kids who become resentful of the person who is perceived as the investigator of that change that they don't agree with, that especially with older kids.

I don’t think it’s that straightforward or simple.

Yes, sometimes it is a DP issue. From the boundaries they set with the ex. To the ways in which they prioritise (or don’t) their existing partners. Maybe difficult issues that they refuse to confront and prefer the head in the sand approach. There are many issues that can be DP issues (which can also be reversed to us, the other partner in the relationship)

However, I completely agree with bananas in that there are certain things that cannot be controlled. And that is both the ex, the impact / influence the ex has on the DC and the DC themselves and their emotional journeys which they need support with as they traverse this world they never wanted to be part of.
There is then also the added layer of a DP who comes into the equation as a SP. Depending on their values and their expectations, they too inevitably add a layer of complexity to the mix.

Second families come with a deeply complex mix of issues. They require compromise, communication, honesty and an ability to listen. To your partner and the children. Similar values are paramount and if you’re even considering living with someone, parenting and discipline must be discussed. You cannot have a two tier system for resident children and non resident children.

If your values do not align, if your communication is not strong and robust, if you cannot honestly voice your fears and opinions and be listened to, respectfully. If you cannot compromise. Then you should not even think about making a living situation more permanent where everyone is forced to co-exist like some sort of pressure cooker environment waiting to explode.

So, no I don’t think everything is a DP issue. Exes hold a lot of power, and they either use that power for good (to reduce conflict) or not. And that is something no one can control.

that there are certain things that cannot be controlled
That really sums it up. Indeed there are things that can't be controlled and therefore changed and if things are not in harmony from the start they are unlikely to ever be.

The one common theme that is reflected here is that problems arises with couple getting together quickly but most importantly having children shortly after moving in together or even before. By this time, compromises are so much harder to implement. Parenting is hard and exhausting alone, so having to set some harmony within a family whilst coping with the demand of a new baby is doubly difficult.

I think many woman and man believe that a new baby will bond them together and that bond will make it easier to communicate and compromise when it reality it more often does exactly the opposite.

Swing I couldn’t agree more.
My DP ( ExDP as we try and work through our challenges) previously asked if I would want another baby. I shuddered (I know, not the best response) and said our existing children need all of our time and attention. Especially his as they are midst incredibly conflict. I said no innocent child deserved to be bought into an environment where there was already so much time, energy and attention going on stabilising the existing children and catering to their needs.

His view almost seemed to be that the baby could be the common bond and plus, I he wanted another baby with me. I think for men especially, if they hardly see their children, they want another child that they don’t have to handover in essence. It’s a deeply simplistic view with no forward looking.

I asked him what would happen when the DC stayed. They clamour now for every second with him (understandably) and I asked him how would he cope with their natural jealousy of the baby living with daddy when they don’t. How would he cope with the demands of a baby and his DC demanding his sole attention? He didn’t have an answer. I asked if his expectation was that I would be (in essence) the sole carer of the baby / toddler when his DC were here? He again did not have an answer. It became clear to me very quickly that he had thought through none of the logistics. Emotional demands. How his DC would react to a baby being in the picture. What the impact would be on me.

He just wanted a baby because that was his instinctive response. To this day I give thanks that I resolutely refused. Despite (equally instinctively thinking ‘i’d love another baby’). It’s very easily done, especially in the early days with rose tinted glasses.

So, no I don’t think everything is a DP issue. Exes hold a lot of power, and they either use that power for good (to reduce conflict) or not. And that is something no one can control. I agree @toosassy and I’d include step kids too, to an extent. Especially older and adult ones.

That is the heart of the trauma and stress of relationships with people who do have kids/Ex who are weilding power against the relationship. Exes / DSCs do have to power to put a wedge between the new relationships. Especially as they are not going to lose anything.

It’s unrealistic to say that partners are so robust psychologically that they can both see through any guilt tripping or manipulation, and also stop it with firm boundaries. It’s very rare to be that solid. So I’m less inclined to blame my DP tbh.

@toosassy I know that having a baby was not right for you, however having a baby with my DP was one of the few most bonding and positive things we did as a step family. Ex went into overdrive with jealousy but my step kids were delighted. Although I had already lived with DP for a while, we had the kids full time or most of the time, at that period it was going okay and it was one of the few acts that created a more stable unit for us. There was a fundamental shift too, before there was a distinct separation in that DP had his kids with his Ex, I had my son with my Ex. We lived together but there was an invisible line that made me and DPs relationship feel fairly superficial at times.

Once we had our child this invisible separation broke down. I was here to stay (at the time!), and me and DP, my child and the step kids were now biologically, tangibly linked together through our baby.

It was the closest time we spent as a blended family and my step kids saw me differently. They took me more seriously. My son and his step siblings shared a sibling.

I agree that jumping in very soon and having a baby isn’t advisable. Or doing it when there are big problems not being addressed.

For me the baby may have been a reason his Ex started to ramp up her interference, she was okay I think until she realized she couldn’t treat DP like a husband and me like a childminder, and that definitely soured relationships. However that wasn’t in my control and I wouldn’t have not had a baby just because of that possibility.

Banana that is so interesting. My DP shares an almost identical view to you.

To be honest I can absolutely see why you wouldn’t though @toosassy
Especially as he seems to have his head in the clouds about unresolved Ex issues.

Interesting posts above. I also think, quite honestly, it can just as easily be a ‘me’ issue.

As I start making my way in the world of step-parenting I have realised I need to seriously lower my expectations of how united or uniform things can be expected to be. Especially with teens.

DP brings his problems into the mix (less than optimal situation with his dd and weak parenting) and I bring mine (can be idealistic and get frustrated and bristly about the pitfalls and forget am not the worlds best parent either!).

DP also has oodles of warmth and understanding and listens and is very, very perceptive with me. I have the guts to face things and address them. Hopefully there is a way through!

Luckily there is no animosity with any exes or even dc (yet - we don’t live together - yet). Feeling a lot more optimistic today!

What’s the plan with your DP, Sassy? Is there hope?

TooSassy - my dp did this pressure for another child IE with me as missed the family unit. We have our son and I'm grateful and I adore him, he is my world. But it is dp not me who can't cope with the baby the sleeplessness, the shared parenting etc . It doesn't really bother me other than I struggle to do some activities with the kids all together as the baby is permenantly attached to me as he's tiny.
It's made us a family though, all of us, teh way his little face lights up when he sees his half siblings is joyous to behold. And they are equally fascinated with him. It's a good thing but very hardwork.
Again it's caused friction with his ex to same reasons bannanass said -namely it changed the dynamic.and he can't do anything she demands as he has another child and all those responsibilities to consider.
On the whole though we are much happier now , but there were teething issues. Largely dp trying to use the other children to.cop out of caring for ds, but that's ceased mostly now.

Some of these stories warm my heart , how lovely. Thank you for sharing them.

I think that at least one partner needs a deep emotional capacity to bring another child into these families. I recognise that I don’t have that, for many reasons that I won’t go into. My DC are amazing, and my time and emotional energy needs to go on them. I am also within touching distance of having relatively independent DC who can be left alone for a few hours. The thought of going back to baby days (as much as I LOVE the idea), fills me with dread.

Latent I genuinely don’t know. We are still talking and trying to find a way forward. I’m not putting any pressure on myself or the situation and am just going to see how it unfolds with time. I am carving out precious time for me, for me and my DC and we shall see where our paths lead us.

Are you seeing him still or taking time out? Any which way... dial it all back and take the pressure off hey.... it sounds like a plan, Sassy