Ex partner at school play

[doya]

My ex and I split up (not DDs parent) two years ago and he has been a complete nightmare - don’t come off the mortgage, frequent emails etc. As DD didn’t remember life before him he continued to visit her until he moved to France to be with new partner.

The issue is his niece is in DD’s class at school and he’s back for the first time to see the school play in December. He hasn’t spoken to or seen DD in over a year.

I’m so churned up about this, I have felt sick all evening since finding out. I think it’ll knock DD, and she’ll flounder on stage. Do you think I can go to the school and ask for him not to attend? I don’t know what else to do.

I think she might be excited that her dad is in the audience as well as her mum.

No - he’s not her dad. He lived with us from her being 2 to her being 7, continued to see her for a year then cut contact. Her dad and I are pals, he’ll be there too.

At 9 I think she's old enough for you to have a conversation with her about it. I don't think school will stop him attending. Rather than it coming as a shock to her on the night, she'll probably cope better if she's forewarned - in plenty of time to get used to the idea - that he'll be there. Are you able to ask him to be sensitive to her feelings and sit towards the back? Are you both history to him, if he's living abroad, has a new partner and he's not contacted your DD for a year? Or does he want to see her when he's over? Do you want him to? What does your DD want?

Enjoy the play, OP. Make that your focus and her's. She'll be lucky to have both her parents there supporting her. Don't let this take over and spoil it - for you and your DD.

Yes I’ll speak to her. I know it’s probably not the best way, but I never raise him with her just in case it upsets her because it feels like my fault she’s upset. He’s awkward - we have a joint mortgage (a whole other mistake - none of his money went into the house) that he’s demanding a lot of money to be removed from and he’s quite threatening in a formal sort of way. I think I’ll try emailing him but I think he’ll either ignore it or imply it’s my fault. I honestly have no idea what he’ll want but there’s quite a lot of us going and he wouldn’t take on my family I don’t think so the plan will be to sort of surround her I suppose.

I know it’s ridiculous but I’m in such a state over it. It’ll feel better after I speak to her and make sure she’s okay but I think I’ll still worry she won’t be when she spots him.

School won't be able to stop him going unless there are court orders. So good idea to warn/prepare your DD beforehand.

I think some replies here are putting a massive responsibility onto a 9 year old. I honestly don't know if anything could be done, but he shouldn't be there. Would the relative who he's going with understand your worries and agree not to bring him?

I think this really could knock her concentration, even if she thought she would be fine before hand.

I hope you've had good legal advice about the mortgage.

It's even better if she's got her whole family there supporting her - lucky girl. Try to concentrate on that. Hopefully she's moved on a little bit in her feelings in a year. And hopefully the family are all the sort of people who would avoid any confrontation with him at school - I think that would be more upsetting for her.

It's not ridiculous, OP. He's obviously rattling you, and you want to protect your DD from any upset. That's understandable. Maybe wait a couple of days while you're feeling calmer to speak to her. All the best.

No his family were a big issue. His sister wasn’t great when his niece was little and he was helping his parents to raise her. His sister didn’t like me or DD because his role shifted when he moved in with us and I think she’ll be even happy knowing me and possibly DD are upset by this.

This is my concern, even if I discuss it with her it might still get to her when it actually happens. There doesn’t seem to be an answer.

Ohh the mortgage is pure death! But far less worrying than this one evening - at least it’s giving me perspective ha.

Both families will ignore each other unless he tries to speak to DD, which I don’t think he will.

Thank you for your advice - everyone I know is asleep and I needed to vent it off somewhere. It won’t matter in a month but it feels like the end of the world right now.

I honestly don't know if I'm reading the same thread, there is absolutely no way the op's dd can be described as lucky in this scenario.

I meant that she's lucky in that she's surrounded by her loving, supportive and caring parents and family. That will help her such a lot in coping with the stinkers that life will inevitably and sadly throw at her, including this one. Most of us want to protect our DCs completely from all the stinkers, but sometimes unfortunately we can't.

From what you've said OP, there isn't a legitimate reason for school to refuse him entry, and both he and his sister are likely to be awkward if you make a request. To me then, the only option is to help your DD cope with it, because I'm sure you all still want her to be in her play. I'd be wanting to get there early to get some good central front seats - then she can focus more on you - could school help you with that, maybe?

At this stage it sounds like you're displacing your own feelings onto your DD and that's not fair. Until you talk to her, it sounds like you have no idea how she'll feel about it. He is not her dad and she has a close relationship with him, so she might not feel that your ex has abandoned her. He's moved to France, of course is not going to stay in regular contact with a child who he has never been a dad to when there is a lot of conflict with you.

Her feelings for him might be such that she doesn't miss him but would be delighted to have an opportunity to see him and perform proudly in front of. If that's the case is it fair to stop it just because of your own feelings?

If it upset her, then it's another matter. I don't think the school could stop him but you could tell your lad that you'll do everything so that she doesn't have to talk to him.

You could try and get there really early yourself so you're sitting in the front row for the play. She's much less likely to be looking around for others if she can see you right up front.

But I agree I'd warn her. It's probably a good way to open up a conversation about how she feels about him. Having it as something never to be mentioned isn't healthy. It's not your fault he left or cut contact, but it is your responsibility as her mum to help her deal with how she feels about it.