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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want my partner's son to live with us

58 replies

Audreykicks · 19/11/2018 13:52

I feel like the worst person in the world. I have 2 boys (both 4 but not twins!) and my partner has a 7 year old. His son has been living with us for 2 weeks now and is set to stay. his mum has mental health problems and in my view is a waste of space in general but for whatever reason she is happy for him to come to us. I struggle with a few physical health conditions and mental health, I struggle to cope sometimes anyway but I just don't want another child! I didn't get any choice in the matter and I have never bonded with his son. He's rude and spoilt and I feel on edge all the time. I am expected to care for him, wash his clothes, cook for him, and everything a mother would. But I don't want to! My boyfriend pretty much moved in with other asking me preoprly and I feel so trapped! I can't talk to him cos it's his son and of course it's what's best for him that counts. I get that and that's why I haven't said no but do I really resign myself to being unhappy for the next 15 years?!
My eldest son has problems at school and is being assessed for Autism etc. I don't like the way my children behave around his son and they've had a tough life already due to their difficult father, house fire, robbery, I could go on.
Please help me! Do I sacrifice my happiness for a kid who doesn't even like me? or do I end my relationship? My partner will move out if I say his son can't live here. He is a great Dad and I know he would chose his son but who the hell am I to ask someone to do that anyway?!

OP posts:
notthiscrapagain · 19/11/2018 15:20

Bloody hell just read your later post, they met up at Costa to discuss his child moving into YOUR home and didn't include you?! ShockShockShockAngryAngry

100% get rid.

Original poster
Audreykicks · 19/11/2018 15:32

Thank you for all your supportive messages. A lot of you are talking complete sense and I know what I need to do really.
Re; Abuse allegations...she has admitted that she and her mum made this up. It's well known that she treated him badly and cheated etc.

I would also like to point out that I haven't 'criticised' his son. The issues I have are how he has been allowed to do whatever he likes and as a consequence he is spoiled and rude. I could criticise him because he bugs the hell out of me but I don't because he is just a little boy in a situation he has no control over! I assumed that this forum was a supportive space to ask for help and advice, but it does seem some people just like to cause upset.

For all the ladies who have posted helpful and supportive comments....thank you very much. This is a rubbish situation but I need to take control of it!

OP posts:
donajimena · 19/11/2018 15:37

Don't feel any guilt whatsoever. You have been treated badly.

IStandWithPosie · 19/11/2018 15:41

He’s a cocklodger. Get rid.

swingofthings · 19/11/2018 16:46

You've got a mum who can dedicate herself to a new man but not her son. You have a father who knows mum isn't fit to look after him so at least steps up to take over but doesn't know how do it since he works and can't look after his son but giving up his work means no money so he moves in with his girlfriend of only 18 months who is herself struggling with MH issues and a son who needs additional support seeing her looking after son at intermediary situation that means that life goes on... Except for his son who is probably totally messed up in the middle of all this but everyone is more concerns about themselves then his needs.

OP he is not your responsibility. This was never going to work. You boyfriend is going to find himself in a terrible situation but that's the risk we take when we have children. I'll have to find childcare and look after his boys like millions of single parents do.

Original poster
Audreykicks · 19/11/2018 17:55

As I'm sure you're all aware, there is much more to this situation that would take too long to include. I'm not sure a 'summary' of my life is helpful.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 19/11/2018 18:06

If he gave up his own place to move in with you, presumably he paid rent on his other place so is he now giving you that money. And I hope he is giving you the money you lose by no longer being entitled to the single person council tax discount.

And I am the person who says give it 5 years before you let a man move in.

EggysMom · 19/11/2018 18:19

Be wary of the son moving in by stealth - just a few weeks "until they can get themselves somewhere to live" then "well it's working, isn't it?" (no it's not but he refuses to see that) then "but it would upset son too much to move again" ...

bibliomania · 20/11/2018 09:38

Agree that your boyfriend is a complete user. If he were a decent person, he wouldn't (a) move himself in without your agreement (b) move his son in without your agreement (c) except you do to all washing/cooking etc for his son.

He's not a good man, however nice he may act when he's getting his own way.

InstagramPork · 20/11/2018 10:24

I don’t understand how this happens... how SMs end up having to be “mum” to their DP’s kids?
My DP has two kids, I have two kids. My SDs are lovely and I do general things like wash the bedding/ towels when they need doing if I’m doing mine or my kids’ or make enough dinner for everyone, but beyond that it’s down to DP. I don’t expect him to do much for my kids and he doesn’t expect me to do much for his... we sort out our own Hmm
Or we’ll take turns... I’ll do his kids washing then he’ll do my kids washing next time.

We are so much happier being this way! I think most of the issues and resentment for stepparents builds from them actually being expected to fit into a role that isn’t theirs.
If your DP was doing everything for his son as he should be doing (because he’s the actual parent!) like his packed lunches, getting him ready for school and school runs then you’d probably be a lot happier about the situation.

Why isn’t he doing these things? Why is having SS there creating extra work for you? That’s the crux of it

flighthelpneeded · 20/11/2018 10:43

OP your partner came home and pretended nothing had happened because he wants to stay at yours. Why wouldn't he? He is getting free childcare...does he pay equally into your house? I would guess no.

You need to sit him down and tell him that this is not in the best interests of the dc and that he will need to find somewhere else to live.

Branleuse · 20/11/2018 11:04

you need to stop being so passive. Tell him that you need to have a talk, and that you know its going to be awkward but you are feeling quite uncomfortable with the fact that he has moved in without proper discussion, and now all of a sudden youre about to have another kid with his feet under the table and quite frankly this has gone too far, its not happening, and you want him to get his own place, and either this needs to be taken a hell of a lot slower, and you just continue to see each other more casually, or it all ends here.

If you dont stand up for yourself and your own children, who else will? Dont sleepwalk into shit situations, because it will be even harder to undo them later on down the line

StormTreader · 20/11/2018 11:12

"So what shall we do for Christmas? You'll be in your new place by then, shall we spend boxing day at yours?". Prepare for him to look shocked.

After all, if hes having meetings about living arrangements without you being invited then he must already be planning to live elsewhere soon, yes?

Enb76 · 20/11/2018 11:26

I think you have some choices but you're going to have to do some proper talking.

First choice: as ever, is to say that the situation is not working and that you think he and his son should move out

Second choice: make a list of exactly what you would like to happen.
Set some practical rules for the house for all children and for the adults. Your DH can not expect you to do all the parenting for his son - he will have to step up
Talk through that list with your DH, compromise where you can but have an idea of what the hard lines are. You can include the 7 year old in some of this - children like to feel important and, from my experience, enjoy some responsibility.

Third choice: Have a big argument about it all and the result will be the same as choice 1

Fourth choice: Leave everything as it is and become more and more miserable.

It's really only a choice between 1 & 2 but you do have to make that choice.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/11/2018 11:34

God, get him out of your home.

He’s already shown you exactly how much ordering he will be doing. None.

Give him a deadline tell him he needs to move out. If you want to remain in the relationship (don’t know why you would), suggest it’s happened too fast and you need to slow down and go back to dating.

Ensure he knows you mean business. If he turns it into an argument, don’t get distracted into capitulating and asking him to stay.

Currently you appear to be his slave, he’s got everything done for him and does he contribute financially at all? I’m betting less than he should of at all.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/11/2018 11:35

Parenting not ordering

SandyY2K · 20/11/2018 20:55

I don't blame you fir not wanting a 3rd child in your house.

Let your BF find his own place place and move out. You'll end up becoming the unpaid help and childcare.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/11/2018 00:31

Think of your kids first. They will not thrive in an unhappy home. So there’s no real choice is there?

Your DP has to think of his son too. Who really needs a stable parent. You could both live separately and still keep up a relationship. Hard as it sounds.

MistressDeeCee · 21/11/2018 02:07

I feel really sorry for his son. I don't think any of the adults in his life want him.

The fairest thing would be for you to end this relationship.

It seems this child can't live with his mum. So he has to live with his dad. Dad and son can move out itd be for the best, but I'd be surprised if your relationship lasted anyway.
.
You don't like his child, and they come as a package. Hes not going to be able to conveniently leave him somewhere whilst he visits you. No staying over at yours as you don't want his child in your home, do you? If he stayed over say for a night or too, what about his son?

Cut your losses now and just focus on your own children, likewise he can focus on his child.

Rachelover40 · 21/11/2018 02:40

I think you should ditch boyfriend. You haven't been with him very long, most people wouldn't move their child in so soon. Not fair on you or on the child.

How do you manage to have two children, both aged four, who are not twins? You have enough to cope with, with your own kids. Get rid of boyfriend and the problem will no longer exist.

brookshelley · 21/11/2018 03:34

Sounds like his (and possibly his ex's) plan was for his new partner to take on the responsibility of mothering this child. I notice that you've been together 18 months but it's only in the 2 months that your BF has moved in with you, that all of a sudden he can't stay with his his own mum anymore. The fact that they met to discuss it without you is a huge red flag. You're being used.

ToesInWater · 21/11/2018 03:44

You step son's mum and dad meeting together to discuss plans by themselves is totally appropriate, two parents need to work out the care of THEIR son. BUT your partner then cannot expect you to work with what he has agreed to do without asking you if it's ok. You need to look after your kids, he needs to work out now himself and his ex can look after their boy. He really does need to move out - you didn't sign up for this, don't let him guilt trip you.

ToesInWater · 21/11/2018 03:44

Sorry, partner's son, not step son!

FinallyHere · 21/11/2018 04:04

I think your boyfriend is using you as unpaid childcare for his son.

This ^

Move him back out again.

Squeegle · 21/11/2018 04:40

Boyfriend sounds awful. He needs to go.

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