I find it so sad how all the issues with blended families are caused by the adults within them

[LetMeTellYou]

Pretty much every time you hear about blended families going wrong is down to one adult or another acting out of complete selfishness.

Whether it's an ex wife, step mother, or Dad it's very rarely the children who seem to have the problem coping with the blended family model unless it's because of one member causing ill feeling and confusing them by, for example, bad mouthing someone else.

It makes me so sad that these children could probably flourish in this scenario if the adults in their lives stopped being so childish and put them first by encouraging healthy relationships and parenting properly. Imagine how great it could be for them to have number of adults who love & cherish them and who all work together to achieve what's best for them rather than themselves.

Not sure what I'm wanting to gain but reading some threads here about the way Mums, SMs and Dads are acting makes me so mad sometimes.

Mmmm.... I hear what you're saying, but I don't think it's that simple.

When families blend, kids are torn in different directions. They mourn the loss of the nuclear family (even if that was dysfunctional and/or toxic), they are torn in their loyalties on top of which they have all the usual ikky phases that kids go through... like playing adults off against one another, and in blended families there are more adults to do that with.

The adults involved are dealing with their own issues. Guilt, anger, bitterness, perhaps feeling like a failure. Even the positive feelings like falling in love again, rebuilding lives, moving on etc whilst still trying to "deal with" the ex, and kids and their needs. It gets incredibly complicated.

Yes some parents do behave like children, but I doubt it's on purpose. Sometimes your own pain or bitterness or even fear clouds your judgement and you can't see how the way you're behaving is affecting other people. Sometimes, even if deep down you know that the way you're behaving is wrong, you can't seem to help it.

I'm not for a moment excusing bad parenting, and I do agree with you, the world would be a much better place if we could all put our own feelings aside and do what's best for the kids/blended/extended family as a whole... but parents are people, and people are flawed.

I agree, yes it's incredibly sad that people post about awful things that are happening, but also I see good things too. Forums like this are a place where people can get advice, support (mostly!), or simply a different perspective, and that's what drives change in the way we do things/think about things, and that can only benefit everyone.

It is sad, and I do agree with much of what you say. I’ve read many posts now and the children do seem to be much more able to accept a step parent if they are parented well by their own parents, and given permission by both to accept.

I think that is very true with my older DSD. Don’t get me wrong, she is tough to parent, as her own parents have said. So struggles were there, divorced family or not. Yet if she had been allowed to accept me as a step parent, and not encouraged by her mother to be mean towards me and my children, then I could have helped her. She could have been happier. She could have matured. She might not be mid twenties unable to move out because she doesn’t have a clue how to cope in the adult world. It will never be seen in rl that this has anything to do with the failure of both parents to adequately guide her after separating and undermining the step parent. So I’m not sure we as a society are going to learn.

At some point an offspring does have responsibility for their own behaviour. Although even then, if they have both parents moving on, not putting down the steps, and some genuine expectation of them being kind and respectful towards their parents new partner, I think that can really help.

I agree OP, but we've got to remember that people who come to post here are those with issues. It is not representative of the majority. In real life I know many separated parents, SPs, kids from divorce and almost all manage it very well. I know parents who remain good friend with the ex and even become friends with the SP. My ex family is a good example.

We have taken a no communication approach but they are no hard feelings for anyone and look forward to seeing him and his partner at my kids graduation/wedding etc... My OH was always very happy to be on good terms with them.

My ex is good friend with his partners ex. The kids come and go there and even my kids have stayed at his house overnight (so my kids' SM's ex and his new partner).

There are many reasons why conflict erupt but the most common theme definitely appear to be new partner getting together and having children too quickly and certainly before fully understanding what they are getting themselves into. Otherwise, it would just be a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that ends because it doesn't work like there are every day.

I agree, it's a lot more complex than my OP especially when people's feelings etc... Are involved. We are all human after all.

But it still makes me sad to see. We talk about blended families being difficult for children, who are likely confused or trying to deal with the loss of the family they were used to but so often it seems as though they would be able to cope quite well if it hadn't been for that comment from mum about dad's new partner or making them feel guilty for liking her, step mum making them feel unwelcome at Dad's home, Dad not treating them as priority over his new relationship etc... people's emotions are high when marriages break up and children are involved but it's still very sad that if these people pulled together the children caught in the middle would likely be able to cope much better. At the end of the day, relationships do fail, marriages break up, it isn't reasonable to expect mum or dad never to meet anyone again. But the transition could be so much smoother for the children if people acted differently and put themselves into check.

I myself am from a blended family. My parents relationship was toxic towards the end but they lasted until I was about 14 so I was very aware of what was going on. It was a lot more damaging to me when they were together than when they split. And when they did meet other people, it worked. I enjoyed spending time with each of them again and neither made me feel guilty for it. I love having my step dad in my life. He's brilliant and we've shared lots of fond memories together. If my Dad had made me feel guilty for having a relationship with him, I may not be saying that.

I agree there are a lot of blended familes out there that do work, we only see a portion here and often it's from those looking for advice. My DP has children and I get on really well with them. We've all worked very hard to make them feel secure. Me and their mother have no hostility towards each other and I think that is massively helpful. It just wouldn't work if we did. That's not to say I agree with everything she does. There's been times when I've really not! But it's not about me or her, and thankfully we both seem to know this and act accordingly.

My parents were divorced when I was 2 at a time when you were still considered 'different' when raised by a single mum - in a middle class environment.

I too had a difficult childhood that stemmed from too many moves by my mum and a SM who didn't accept me as I was and wanted to change me into a child I didn't want to be.

IMy récollection of my childhood is mixed, some happiness but sadly overcast by feeling like I didn't fit anywhere and therefore low confidence. It's made into a child and then adult fearing loss in any form.

However it has also built be into a very resilient adult and if it wasn't for that resilience I wouldn't be where I am which is a happy place so for that I have no regrets and wouldn't change anything.

It's a very hard balance for any parents to give thrm both security but also the experience to cope with difficulties.