I know my marriage will fail at some point....

[sallysec]

It's got too.

We have 5 dcs between us. He has 2 (2 different mothers but a massive age gap between them both) I have 2 to the same dad and we've just had a baby together.

So that's massively challenging in itself

At the moment I have a massive issue with dss.
I can't help it, he's only 5 and he's out of control. Every weekend I keep it all locked inside but I can never wait for him to go home.

This weekend he's whacked my dd around the head with the wardrobe door leaving her bruised.

He's gone into my ds's room and wrecked it

He's fired bullets from his nerf gun at the baby

He's refused to eat anything except sweets

He's blamed absolutely everything on his older sister

He's thrown his tea on the floor

We have rules in the house for things like no eating on the new sofa....applies to everyone except dss who has spend the weekend eating sweets on it.

I bet if dh comes home tonight and my kids are sat eating sweets on the sofa then something would be said about it.

I could go on and on and on.....and what does dh do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing because in his eyes, he's a perfect angel that can do no wrong. He is never told off at home either and be runs rings around his mum and his dad.

I've been in his life for 4 years now and ever since he was a baby, I knew he would have behaviour problems. Dh has said for the past 4 years 'oh well he's only 2, he's still learning'....he's still saying it now at 5 years old.

This weekend I told him off in front of dh, I'd finally lost it when he began swinging his big truck that's full of plastic cars round the living room which could of hit the baby. Obviously he wasn't listening to dh when he told him not to do it but he did when I shouted at him.

I know he's still very young. I know it's all to do with attention. He's an only child at home (and does get away with absolutely everything because he's a pfb to his mum) and he comes here and he has to be the boss of everyone.

But dh needs to parent more. He does tell him off but he gets away with everything because he only has him on a weekend and doesn't want to spend the weekend telling him off....which I understand but that's what he needs!!!! He needs boundaries. When dh tells him off, dss doesn't listen....ever. Dh needs to actually get up and get down to his level, look him in the eye and tell him no. But he doesn't.

It can be anything, dh will say 'don't do that' and dss will say 'ok but I'm going to do it anyway' and will proceed to do whatever it is. Sometimes dh even laughs and says 'you're such a handful'. But it's not funny. Not when it's something like rubbing play doh into the carpet which I then spend ages scrubbing out again.

Im at my wits end, especially after the wardrobe incident which dss said over and over was an accident but my daughter said it wasn't and I believe my daughter 100%.....but what did dh do? Nothing. Didn't even ask if my dd was ok even though she was crying her eyes out

I just really can't see our marriage lasting at the moment as I'm so wound up and he's just a clueless parent who barely puts any effort in. He can't even see the reason that is teenage daughter hardly visits us anymore is because of her younger brother. He is nasty to her from the minute she gets here to the minute she leaves.....but it doesn't matter as he's only 5 and still learning

I don't think you can ever love anyone else's kids like your own. I know dh doesn't love my kids. I do feel a good strong bond with his daughter and I wish she visited us more. I'm taking her away for a weekend next year and am looking forward to spending some time with her.

But right now with dss....I feel nothing towards him. Actually I feel more love towards him if dh isn't here because he knows he can't get away with any of his crap with me. He also knows that no means no. We can have a nice time together.....so actually my whole issue is worn dh. But he's as stubborn as they come and won't change.

Also just to add.....my ds is autistic so I'm well and truly clued up on behaviour and how to deal with it.

That's my rant over and thank goodness it's Monday....my favourite day of the week. Do I sound like an absolute bitch?

Oh lord. No. You sound overwhelmed.
This sounds like a completely stressful situation for all involved. Including the DSS and your DD.
There is a lot of change going on in his world and I can imagine that he is finding it very hard to cope.

How old is the baby? Has the DSS behaviour gotten any worse since the arrival of baby? Does your DH spend any 1 on 1 time with his son? What are relations like with the EW, is she seeing similar behaviours at home?

I am not in anyway excusing his behaviour but if I look at the world through a 5 year olds eyes and see my daddy playing happy families with DC other than me, it would invoke a host of very difficult emotions. I wouldn’t necessarily be able to process jealousy, fear and resentment. So it would come out in different ways. Children will act up in these scenarios and it is down to the parents to take a view on what best will help the DC.

Your marriage is not over if you somehow find a way of talking to your DH and finding a way to work as a team to tackle what is happening. If your DH is prepared to listen and work with you then you have a chance. Have you considered counselling?

If he’s not prepared to listen and fundamentally his parenting style is completely different to yours, then yes, I do worry for your relationship. I also worry that because of what’s happening you are entrenched in the camp of your DD (who says the wardrobe incident was deliberate) and your DH is in the camp of his DS. I have two DC and as much as I adore them, they can tell little fibs masterfully. And I have learned over the years that unless I witness what has happened, I can’t actaully rely on them to reveal the reality of what happens. Easier to take that view when it’s both your own DC.

I think you are overwhelmed. And I think you need to sit your DH down, and have a very honest conversation about where you are. But without attacking him. Are there tools you can both put in place to help you all manage what is happening?

If you don’t talk to him, you will explode and by then it will be too late. Don’t let it get there.

And another DP problem because he is too lazy to parent and because his kid's behaviour somehow doesn't bother him (it's easy to have selective vision and hearing when it suits), he ignores it.

It's all his fault but you decided to commit and have a baby with this man knowing that he had a difficult child he wasn't keen on disciplining so sadly you are now on that position that makes it much harder to leave.

As you said, not the kid's fault, some are extremely boisterous and naughty by nature. It doesn't mean dealing with it means constant telling off as this be counter productive but it does require engaging, either through teaching, distracting or indeed punishing.

It is exhausting to parent demanding children but you can't get away with it and you cerysiy font go and have more children when you can't cope with the ones you already have.

Really helpful Swing. Maybe OP should hop in a time machine and go back and not have a baby. 🙄

TooSassy has given constructive advice.

I’d give him one last chance to step up and be a parent, but if he doesn’t then I’d have to leave. It’s not fair on your kids to see him getting treated so differently from them and it will have a negative impact on them.

Sounds tough and chaotic!

And it’s not your fault.

Do you have DSS every weekend? If so honestly I would leave, I know that sounds drastic, but it’s too much if either parent can’t handle him.

If it’s EOW and your DH is around, I’d get all the kids out every day of that weekend and cram it full of activities. It’s so easy to let bad behaviour slip when indoors and your DH can ignore. Get the boy to sports clubs, to soft play, to swimming classes, to whatever but let him be around places with rules.

I’d also enlist you both on a parenting course, more for your DH.

I’d also be really clear that this is last chance saloon to your DH.

It doesn’t take an awful lot of time to turn things around, but it does take your DH and you being consistent. I’d not leave the baby out if my sight ever either until this gets better.

Good luck!

As for having a baby with him - not all pregnancies are planned. However soon as I found out I was having my baby, I felt nothing but love even though I knew it would turn out already stressful lives upside down.

He is 13 weeks now and currently laid by me smiling away - I couldn't be without him. He was in no way planned but I was supposed to have him. Even if it means being a single mum of 3 - that doesn't phase me in the slightest. Life would be easier.

As for his behaviour - it hasn't got better/worse since having the baby. It's just still the same which is constantly bad. It is absolutely the same at home in some ways - he always get his way at home which I see all the time. When dh FaceTimes him, I can see the way he is with her and the way he speaks to her and it's just the same 'don't do that/throw that/kick that please darling'.....and he does it. All she says is 'that makes mummy sad'. Even when he's punched her in the face or something. It's like dh copies her tbh.

We do need to sit down and talk, I'm just feeling extra angry because when I saw my daughter this morning and the bruise on her face.....I was fuming.

I'm going to have a good think about what I want to say and the right way to say it and then sit down and talk it through with him.

I know if I don't do something I will just lose it with dss which I don't want. Like I say, I get why he is like he is. I just need dh to wake up and realise.

Hmmm. Would the EW and the DH go to parenting class to handle this? In an ideal world the behaviour would be tackled collectively across both homes.

But if not, then he does have to think about what sort of parent he wants to be, what he wants his home environment to be like and what behaviours he expects from all the children.

It could well be that he’s a ‘Disney’ dad. It could well be that he is just a very laid back parent who takes the view ‘well that’s just what children do’ and as such has a completely different parenting style. It could be that he’s completely aware that he is a Disney dad but because his child doesn’t live with him, he’s prepared to set up a two tier level of treatment. One set of rules for the non resident child and another set of rules for the resident children. I think the latter is the most dangerous for any family dynamic.

FWIW my DP for a period of time started to loiter in the final one. With excuses that his DC were younger, they didn’t see him enough so all he wanted was for them to have ‘fun’ when they spent time with him. I gave him complete short shrift. And said his DC would always be younger than mine (I can’t morph time), I would most likely always see my DC more than he sees his, so what he was in essence asking me to do was accept that my DC would be treated differently to his. I told him I respected that view and I respected his right to parent as he wished, but that I expected him to establish contact arrangements that no longer involved me and my DC. Because I would not tolerate there being a two tier behaviour system and most importantly I wouldn’t impose that on my DC.

He went away and thought about it. Then came back to the table with solutions. That did not involve a two tier system but one that also took into account that his DC were younger.

So my point is this. He may be able to work with you, I certainly hope he is willing.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Enjoy the baby cuddles and please don’t ever feel the need to defend why you had a baby with him.

Honestly, this board, I just despair at times.

OP, I’m sorry to ask this but what happened in his 2 previous relationships?

Thank you for the advice. It really is helpful

His teenage dd's mother - they split up over 10 years ago now. They have always remained friends. There wasn't any bad blood between them, they were just young and had a baby. I get on great with her, she came to our wedding, our dcs go to her other dcs bday parties, dh has done some decorating in her house etc....but dsd isn't the problem.....

He split with dss mum for a few reasons. He worked away and she did online dating while he was gone. She also couldn't accept that he had a dd - which is true as even though they aren't together now, she still can't. Also the mother has had multiple boyfriends - dss has just recently been introduced to the latest one. Dh isn't happy but obviously nothing he can do. I've been in dss life since he was a baby so I'm the only person he's ever been around as far as dh goes.

Actually writing this I do feel bad for dss. We just need to control his behaviour but very hard when dh doesn't see that there is a problem