Patronizing or am I being OTT

[Infinity87]

So my DP’s ex contacted me last weekend about the 3DSS parents evening at school. At no stage have I said I was going to her or the DSS, but had discussed it with my DP.
The text said that I should be going to parents evening as it is beneficial for all parties if I attend. And that permission had been authorized with the school for me to attend. (I should point out that that DP and the EX have separate appointment times)

PARDON... firstly surely I don’t need permission off her or the school to attend. DP is their dad, and has shared parental responsibility, it’s his choice if attend or not.

Secondly, last term not one piece of homework or reading exercise was completed by her for any of the 3DSS. It was us that completed all of this, built the models, helped them. Plus we only have them at the weekends, which we usually do family stuff and take them to swimming, football and martial arts which are all activities they enjoy.

Since receiving this text, it has really bugged me. Am I being OTT?

Should have said, she has no interest in the DSS and their school work. Which is why it “must be beneficial” for me to attend... yes so I can understand their learning curriculum for the term, and understand the homework requirements...

Just let it go, I wouldn't bother making an issue of it. You were going regardless of her 'permission' so I'd just ignore it

Are you going? Do the DC want you to?

The usual line here is that no step parent should ever go to parents evening but my DSC mum never bothers so I go with DH and the DC are very happy we’re both there.

If you want to go then go. Good to have as many caring adults in a child’s life supporting them as possible. Just ignore her message.

Just ignore the message, don’t even reply

The usual line here is that no step parent should ever go to parents evening

You're kidding right? Which part of step PARENT is unclear? What part of raising a child who is not of your blood, loving them despite the odds stacked against you, guiding them, caring for them, helping them, feeding, clothing and sheltering them.. in short raising them as if they were your own AND putting up with pressure and cra*p that you never in a million years dreamed you signed up for means you should be excluded from parent's evening??

Yee Gods woman.

OP. You're not being OTT, and I'd be p*ssed off too. The ex obviously has a bee in her bonnet about something. Ignore the txt and don't waste any more time thinking about it.

stomps off to drink wine in her grumpy corner

Maybe your OH mentioned you going so she is trying to say that she is pleased you are going and she wants you to know she has already taken thecstep to clarify with the school that it is OK as some school make a point of not allowing step parents to go either because of number but also because of the issue it can cause.

The text can be patronising or actually showing appreciation depending on the circumstances.

She's giving you the all clear to go, as many do not want a SM attending parents evening.

It's very unusual to have a resident mother do no homework at all with their children. Surely some homework would be due in before they come to your house?

I understand how you'd feel about receiving the text. She should have communicated with your DP about it instead.

She recognises your input is beneficial to her children. I've got to be honest... as a mother I'd never do what she did. I'd be ashamed to do it.

Chill out blending, it's a fact that most people on here, parents and step parents, think parents evenings are for just the parents.

It's not how I/we do things and my step children are happy I go along to school events and activities including parents evenings as I'm a very involved step parent and that's what works for us. It's nothing to their Mum who attends some things but not parents evenings, we're not inconveniencing the teachers, DH and kids are happy, I can think of more exciting ways of spending an evening but it's important to know how they're getting on and how we can both help support them.

Not sure what you took from my post but no need to get so animated.

I wouldn’t like to be told by my dsc’s mum that I MUST attend parents evening. That alone would put me straight off because it’s just bossy and she isn’t my boss.

What’s your relationship like with her usually?

If she’s normally ok I’d assume the best and that she was saying she’s happy for you to go and didn’t want you to worry that it might cause any difficulties.

If she’s normally controlling/annoying I’d pretend I thought the above still and respond accordingly as never feed the drama!

Maybe a reply like:

Great! Looking forward to being there!

AnneLovesGilbert apologies - I did say I was grumpy! I guess it just touched a raw nerve with me and I took it the wrong way.

My DP's Ex NEVER attended parent evenings (even when she lived 5 mins walk from the school), or actually attended anything even remotely connected with the school. Apparently it was because "she" was going, i.e. me. Didn't matter that she'd never been even before I came on the scene, I was the reason for her not going. When the kids moved to a new school she refused to attend the information evening because apparently it was "just a skite session for the school". She never attended school plays (waste of time apparently), or prize givings, or cultural evenings, homework was a foreign concept... and yet when the kids struggled at school, it was my fault. When they did well it was all down to her hard work.

Lol, I'm going to stop now, I'm getting grumpy again!

Thank you for all the responses.

Firstly yes she is controlling. She moved the DSS to another school and over a hours drive away, without consulting DP. We just found out, when we was due to collect. She now likes exercising her rights / power, and trying to control the situation. This is everything from school uniform, money, access arrangement, pick up / drop offs etc... which are all on her terms. This is to the point her and DP don’t communicate anymore and all contact is through me, which is why I know he wouldn’t have told her I was considering going.

Yes all homework is completed here, doesn’t matter if it was due in days before, it won’t be done. The DSS get upset as this is time to see their dad, and they end up spending a lot of time catching up, or they get in trouble at school.

One of the DSS is EYFS and has struggled settling in, to the point he gets angry, upset and taken out of class most days. I collect once per week, so devised a plan with the teacher to monitor / control his behaviors.

So for the above reasons, and to check how they are getting on etc, I attended parents evening. I wanted to make the teacher understand the stress of the homework, and made it clear that we’ve discussion this on many occasions with the EX, with no change / response. Hopefully they can help prompt the situation. As for the little DSS he’s improved dramatically since the system was out in place.

I did reply to the text, after I’ve calmed down. Just with a simple... I’ve spoken with (DP) and he has as much parental right as you. Therefore I do not need your permission to attend, only his. The school are fully aware of who I am, as I do collect, drop off and am listed as a Emergancy contact. I will be attending PE, but this is for the benefit of the DSS. (As I was annoyed I also added) I presume you will be attending, as this is your statutory obligation for the role of “mum”, maybe use this opportunity to understand the meaning of the curriculum and the importance of homework to the DSS development.

To which I got no reply, just a hostile look when passing in the school car park.

She sounds like a shit mother. Your step kids are lucky to have you in their corner OP.

You’re doing a great job OP and I agree your DSS is a lucky boy to have you in his life. It sounds like things are improving for him with the right support and it’s important that you, as an active parent figure, are there communicating with the school to keep things on track. Chin up. He’ll know you have his back and whether that’s now or in the future he’ll realise what that means.

Usually people don't seem to like SM's attending parents evenings so I think you are in quite a strange situation. My SC's mum does no homework with them, I do it with them, but she would probably lose her shit if I went to a parents evening. You're brave sending that message to her! I wouldn't have the nerve.

Why would you start a war? Because that’s what you’ve done. And the children are in the middle of that.

What is wrong with encouraging the children to get their homework out at mum’s so they can have a go at it? They don’t always need someone standing over them, even when they’re young.

And you have devised a plan with the teacher? Is that because dad is unavailable and mum is also unavailable? Has mum been advised?

I’ve not started a war, I’ve just relayed points from previous conversations that DP and myself have had with her in respect to the homework.

The homework in question is reading, model making, and computer spellings / work. All 3 of the DSS are under the age of 6. This isn’t stuff they can self learn. Yes they can pull out a school book and read, but they don’t know if they are sounding this write. She doesn’t let them get pens / paper out to do work, or make models (as this creates mess), nor does she let them on a computer. Her answer to them is, your dad and SM can do it. When they turn round at school and say they haven’t done their homework, they miss out on the extra play time. Which in turn upsets the DSS, as they don’t think it’s fair. They have repeatedly spoke to their mum about this and so has DP, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Hence why we have to also ensure that’s it’s done and completed.

The plan was devised by me and the teacher. As I collect from school (due to work arrangements), it was a conversation between me and the teacher which sparked the idea and that was that. DP agreed it was good and thanked me for the support. Mum was filled in, and when it worked, took the credit and said it was something she had previously thought of. Her suggestions to the school prior to this hadn’t work, and she tried to Blaim the issues on us, and ADHD etc... which we knew wasn’t correct.

Not only is the homework an issue, she doesn’t do anything with them. They ask to go to the zoo / play centre, they got told DP doesn’t pay enough money, speak to him. (We contribute over the recommended CSA figure, plus contribute to clothing, school trips etc). They ask to go to the park or other free activity, she says they get enough fresh air at DP house, and she doesn’t have time.

The mannerism in which she speaks to me and DP is controlling and manipulating, even in front of DSS. Usually I do the Churchill nodding dog response of “yes” “no” it was just in this instance I spoke up.

Have you/DP thought about having the kids more if you’d be able to? It sounds like they’d be much better off if they were with you as their main home.