kids mum pain in the neck. Any advice?

[sunintheeast]

I am with a lovely man with lovely kids who I get on well with(divorced for some time) we moved in together quite recently. Kids come first we always said although mine are older and at Uni and we see very little of them other than holidays. We have his teenage girls every weekend except the ones he has to work - no time to ourselves ever, plus in the week he either picks them up from school and feeds them or takes them out for tea - basically looking after them four nights a week as she wont let them come home when she is working late, surely this is shared residence? Instead he pays full maintenance because they don't sleep at ours for all of those nights. Everything with his ex is a complete battle - Christmas (she has to have the key dates) , holidays etc (she went away three times a year with new partner) ; she spends no time with them but is constantly the victim and is disrespectful to him in front of the kids. Do I just need to get over it and accept things as they are. I tried to be the grown up and be civil but really starting to get to me. He has been battling with her for years and just wants to make it easier for the kids. But it is driving me CRAZY...

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this one, especially as it's still very early days of you an your DP being a couple.

Yes, his ex is being a pain. Yes she's unreasonable and difficult, but you have to leave it to your DP to sort, or not, as he sees fit. If she disrespects him in front of the kids, its up to him to stand up for himself, not you. If you do, you'll make him appear weak and that will make him angry with YOU. All you can do is support him and not add fuel to whatever fire she's choosing to light. Don't bad mouth her to him or the kids (tempting though it will be), be polite to her and just go with the flow. With the passage of time, it will get better (in my case it took roughly 8 years!). So she plays the victim, big deal. That's her decision. The only person she's making look foolish is herself.

As to time for yourselves, well, that will come in time too. His kids are teenagers so it won't be long before they do their own thing more and more and then fly the next - as yours have done.

So I guess in answer to your question, yes, you do just have to grit your teeth, smile and carry on. Just don't let it drive you crazy, it's a total waste of time and energy.

No, it’s not shared residence. Presumably mum is paying for everything else the children need - school uniforms, trips, haircuts, shoes, lunch at school, phones, toiletries? And maybe she needs to work to keep the roof over their heads rather than deliberately makes a choice not to spend time with the children?

If your partner wanted more of the key dates, he could put the issue in front of a judge or if the children are old enough, discuss it with them? He may need to accept they want to spend that time with mum, however.

He pays for half if not more of trips activities clothes etc. Not about the money its the attitude. She is so controlling withthe girls.. toxic wont let them call dad when away or bring antything to our place ...causes rows for no reason etc. Not my style of parenting and I despise it. Still you are right. It will all pass...just got to let it go

If it's any comfort, my DH's ex was similar. When we moved in together she flatly refused to let the kids to come to us with anything except the clothes on their backs - and they were with us week about for a year or 2 and then with us full time. Not only did we have to get entire new wardrobes, and furniture, and toys etc we footed all the bills for everything - still do come to that. She also played the victim, and never let the kids contact their Dad whilst at her place and did everything in her power to poison their relationship with him, and me. Frankly I never understood the woman. She and DH had parted ways long before I came on the scene and I wasn't his first relationship after the split.

Unfortunately for her, we refused the play the game, and we were strong in our relationship with each other. Eventually, she gave up, and interestingly the kids (who are now young adults) have openly said that her behaviour embarrassed and upset them. They didn't know how to deal with it and couldn't talk about it as they felt they would be betraying her.

OP, you rise above it and hang in there. At times it will be awful and hard and probably drive you to drink, but so long as you and your DP are on the same page and don't let the cr*p impact on what you have together, the good will outweigh the bad and you'll get there.

Grit your teeth and smile OP. It's the greatest revenge to someone who is being annoying. A lot of this is deliberate, so don't rise to it.
If his children are now teenagers then they are at least 13/14. We have an ex like this - and at this age they voted with their feet and moved in with us. She was livid. Not about the kids but about the maintenance. Meant she had to get a job (still didn't pay us maintenance though funnily enough !)

You could go to courts but a judge is just going to leave it with the kids at this age to be honest.

As for time alone, surely at 13/14 they aren't hanging around with you two ? I know some kids (especially those of separated parents) can be very immature, (my own sd's we're still trying to sit in DH lap at 13 ) but I promise you by 16 you will hardly see them.
Hang in there !

Teenagers usually do what they want. I'm surprised they wouldnt bring whatever they want when visiting dad.

I'm not sure what age of teenage years they are, but I have teenagers and they don't need looking after in a way that would impact on me doing what I need to do. They're always in their room...or watching TV...listening to music....or on social media.

If you never have time for yourselves, then you need to evaluate if the relationship is working for you. Why move in with someone if you weren't happy with the amount of time you spend together?

I always say in life that people treat you how you let them. Perhaps He has a softer personality and she takes advantage of it.

He lets his Ex get away with what she does and being rude to him in front of their DDs He needs to assert himself, or those girls could end up thinking all men should be spoken to like that...leading to problems in future relationships for them, when a future BF/DH won't have any of it.

In their world...(as mum and dad are their model for an adult relationship) ...it's normal to see this interaction.

Not sure how old they are but if they are over 14 there is nothing stopping you from going out and leaving them at home on occasion. Just because ex won't leave them home doesn't mean you can't. And don't drop them home after you've had them. You are doing her a favour having them over 4 nights a week. Tell her she needs to pick them up after work. If she won't then just tell her that they will have to stay overnight. You are doing her a favour that she asked for so DH won't be breaking any rules. She'll soon come and pick them up or suddenly decide it's fine to have them stay home alone. Of course all this depends on how old they are. 16/17 totally different to 13.

thanks people - reading my post back I actually came across as quite whiney which wasn't my intention. In answer to the comments - she doesn't disrespect him whilst he is there (although she is often very rude at the door) the girls are torn between being loyal to their mum but he regularly picks them up in tears after some incident - we had a few days away a year or so ago for a big birthday and she took their phones off them so he couldn't call him - told them she was upgrading them but they knew she hadn't (teenagers don't fall for that stuff) petty controlling behaviour - never does any of the pick ups or drop offs . We are trying to refuse to play the game but you know how it is when someone is spoiling for a fight. Thing is she has what seems to be a nice new bloke so wonder what she gets out of it. DP struggles to go out and leave them when they are with us but I am working on it - and as was said - it doesn't stop me!

Grit teeth and it will pass.....