Bedrooms for stepkids

[CaboodleTwist]

I'm pregnant with my first child. And planning prematurely!

Hubby and I have talked about having more than one. If I do this, for logistical reasons, I'd like them to be as close together as possible. Yes, I realise that will be a nightmare! Hubby has two children with his ex - DSD 16 and DSS 9. DSD has only stayed with us on Christmas Eve for the last two years.

Currently we have a four bedroom house. We have the main bedroom, two bedrooms set up as double/king guest bedrooms where one is done to suit DSD and a special room for DSS who stays perhaps one day a week.

I believe (rightly or wrongly!) that children should ideally have a bedroom to themselves - I would either want to move house to let this happen or alternatively not have the extra child if we were unable to cater for it. I would be prepared to compromise in the early days while they are toddlers however given we have four bedrooms, I would like to earmark the two guest bedrooms for the baby-to-be and the second child I hope we would have. DSD wouldn't have a room here anymore. DSS would, because he is a more frequent guest. I believe in the last five or so years DSD has slept at the house fewer than 5 times.

Is it unfair to reallocate the room DSD uses once a year? When baby 1 arrives I would like to use the main guest room as the nursery as it's next to the main bedroom. When baby 2 potentially comes, baby 1 would be moved in to what is vaguely termed as DSDs room and baby 2 would go in the nursery.

We could still keep the nursery room so that it can be made up in to a guest room (my intention is to keep a double bed in the nursery and allow guests in that room, if I were to move the baby in to our room for one night or even let the guests have the main bedroom and we go in with the baby).

In terms of time scale I imagine it would be another three years almost before this would happen, so DSD may well be away at uni by then. I realise I'm over planning but our relationship with DSD isn't great and so I don't want to do anything to spark her feeling pushed out. Equally if she doesn't ever stay over, it's a bit mad keeping a room for her because as much as we have four bedrooms we are tight for space. Should we actually be looking to get a five bed house just so DSD still has a room? Have I lost my marbles?!

I think you need to wait until after DC1 has arrived before you consider anything tbh!

DSD May never stay again after baby arrives or suddenly become more involved.

As it wouldn’t be an issue for another 3 years when DSD is an adult then I think that’s fine. I wouldn’t mention it to her at the moment though and wait until you have a second child. Some parents don’t keep their child’s bedroom as their room once they move out so when she’s 19 and doing her own thing even more than now you’d hope she wouldn’t have an issue

If it were my situation I wouldn't plan on keeping a room solely for a child who only stays over once a year. When i was the sk my dad had a spare room for myself or my brother from the age of 14 and I never stopped unless it was a special occasion and I couldn't get home. It was made to be an office with a bed in and it never bothered me. Never wanted to stay there, offered many times but preferred staying in my own bed.
I am now a sm and we have talked about a similar situation, do not have any children yet but are ttc and my dh stated what he thinks will happen in the future if we do have a child together. He thinks his eldest will prob stop staying in a few years and when this happens we will not have a room dedicated for her anymore and she will share with her sister if she ever stops over (they share at their mums house and they are fine with this too).
I think you have to think of it as when you left your parents home, most parents do not keep a room solely for you when you leave the roost. Both myself and dh were young when we left our parents (19 & 18 respectively and there was no room as soon as we stepped out of the house.

Thanks for the input guys.

I'm conscious that the baby will inevitably have an impact on how the DSC will feel anyway. I think DSD is set in her ways now and very little will change either way - we live around 20 mins away from her home but her school is about 1h away in the further direction and I feel she's just going to continue to fly the nest. That said we will reinforce the message she's welcome, hence why I worry how she'll feel about losing the room. That said, she doesn't use it and doesn't seem to feel ownership over it. The baby will definitely unsettle her, but it remains to be seen as to whether she is excited about it or not. I'm still quite early on, but we've got to the point now where we are going to try to get the pair of them over before Christmas to share the news. She's a nightmare to get here though so got our fingers crossed she can be tempted in to making an appearance!

@Chew2 as an only child I still have my own room at my DPs and better still my DM is currently redecorating it so it's ready for when me, DH and baby want to come or when they baby sit (lols, there are finally perks of being an only child!). So I guess that's partly why I'm a bit sensitive to it as I've never really been kicked out! It's my understanding that she also prefers her own bed so in some ways if she doesn't have an earmarked room, perhaps she would come more often as less pressured to stay.

@RandomMess I know it's immaterial, but ultimately if this was something that could cause a serious rift between DSD and the "new" family, we would have to seriously consider moving. I know that sounds overkill but I want to do everything in my power to ease this baby in to their lives with minimal impact. They've had enough upheaval as is it.

@user1493413286 I'm definitely not going to mention it any time soon, it's just more for my general planning purposes. I'm finding I have way too much time to think in this pregnancy as I'm feeling under par! We are very established in this house and I feel like it might take me the best part of the two-three years to clear it enough to be able to move!!?

I don't see the point in a room for a SC who stays once a year.

Depending on her age...it might be worth discussing or with her in advance.

Hold on. You’re planning for a room change for a second baby when you haven’t had the first one?

You’re not suggesting giving DSD’s room to the baby, you’re suggesting giving the guest bedroom. So no impact to DSD there. Is it that you are then asking if you can use DSD’s room as the guest bedroom given she only stays once a year? Because if that is the case, what changes would you make to that room to make it fit for purpose for a guest as opposed to DSD?

Am I missing something here? Because until the baby is here and you know how the family adjusts/ reacts (including you), there step far too many moving parts for you to be able to make decisions this far in advance IMO.

It's a hypothetical question revolving around whether or not our house is big enough to house two babies and two step children, given one step child doesn't stay and one does. I am the sort of person that plans ahead rather than reactively therefore I don't think this is unreasonable. I'd want to move house prior to having the second baby and in an ideal world (miscarriages aside) they would be close in age. I do accept that I'm perhaps unusual in wanting them to have their own rooms, but I don't really want it to seem that DSS has a room and DSD doesn't and therefore assumes she's not welcome. Ultimately I would of course consult with DSD prior to this happening but if I did have two full time children in the house it wouldn't make sense for them to share and the other room be empty. Although is it more common than I think for two children to share? In some ways it makes sense because then we could keep a guest room for a guest or for DSD and save the hassle. I'm just scoping it out really. I know it's premature.

This is a bit long winded! Both rooms are set up as guest rooms at the moment. DSDs room, when she lived in this house around 9 years ago, was then used as DSSs room because it was initially the nicer room, with a bunk so she could stay. But I had the two guest rooms redone and therefore it was nicer for her to have one of these. She isn't attached to "her" room and she wasn't phased by this. I felt like she'd grown out of sharing the room with DSS and wondered if she had grown out of it. She technically has the choice of either guest room she likes but one is decked out in a more teenage type fashion, modelled on her own room at home, with millennial pink etc etc! She's always quite non committal when I ask her how she feels. The original storage/guest room is now DSS, the guest room is the one I suspect DSD would prefer because it is prettier, and her original room would be the nursery.

I don't really think the subtlety of exactly which room is hers will bother her, it's more whether or not (as a concept) a step child (or child!) should always have a room available to stay in and/or live in.

She acts entirely as a guest in the house although she is welcome to stay as a family member if she wanted. I'm just very conscious that I don't want to make her feel pushed out in the slightest. A lot could change, yes. And we don't know as yet how she will react to the arrival of the baby. But I'm just thinking hypothetically whether we should be thinking about a fifth bedroom to accommodate this or whether we can manage without. I'm an only child so not a lot to base this on - just trying to be fair.

Honestly - if you are planning two children close together they can have a sleepover sharing a room if Dsd ever needs a bed for the night. By the time this will be necessary - say 3 or 4 years away taking into account baby will probably share with you for 6 months, your DSD will be an adult, and really should understand you can't keep a room solely for her on the off chance she might use it once a year.

As she doesn't view a guest room as hers, then it is less to do with being pushed out, and more to do with making sure she knows there is always space for her if needed/wanted.

@PandaG actually that sounds like a really sweet idea! Thanks for the idea. I suspected someone would have a clever answer! It sounds so obvious now!!

That's lifted quite a weight off my mind because I could use that as an easy fall back.