Co-parenting with a cheater

[Ss770640]

Hoping some of you can guide me.

Long story short she had an affair at work, denied it, lied, moved out. Zero apologies, zero remorse. She still sees the OM. After 5 years marriage. 12 year relationship. Continues to lie about the reasons for leaving.

I am now forced to co-parent with a cheating STBXW that literally broke our marriage, family and my heart. 1 son 4 yo. For a guy she's known for less than 12 weeks.

She acts happy. She IS happy. As far I know.

1. How do you co-parent with a spouse that shows zero remorse at the destruction she has created? She literally acts like it's a normal day.

1. Im always there for my son. 50/50. How do I co-parent when I literally don't ever want to see her again.

Just last week I had to drop my boy off whilst the scumbags car was parked out front.

Tips appreciated. I have to deal with multiple levels of betrayal.

On the bright side, the settlement figure she's expecting will be far smaller than she thinks.

This is also why I no longer want to converse with her.

It's literally impossible. She has an answer for everything and it's all my fault.

Easier to stick to emails.

Thanks for responses

Oh dear. You just aren't getting it, are you? It's not about you any more. It's about your child. Honestly, if you had no children I'd tell you to hate and rant away. God knows I had a breakup where I did that. But you do have a child, so you need to try and moderate your feelings for his sake. You don't have to like her, you don't have to be friends. But for your child's sake you do need to be able to be civil.

And I think you need to realize that your actions aren't hurting your ex in any way. So if you think your refusing to communicate with her is bothering her, I assure you it isn't. She's probably happy that you are not. But they are hurting you AND your child. No matter how hard you try to hide it from him he will pick up on your emotions.

Please, please get counseling. And try to get your anger under control. You don't have to like her. You don't have to be friends with her. But you do have to parent your child together. For the rest of your life, because parenting doesn't end at 18, trust me!

Ah you misunderstood. I'm always civil. Just don't want to act like things are normal.

Don't want to be forced into a friendship I don't want.

I'll be suggesting the 2 house app and emails

Just don't want to act like things are normal.

Not even if it's the best for your child? Listen, my BFF had an ex who wasn't worth the powder it would have taken to blow him to perdition. He was a drug addicted, abusive, vile man. But she still managed to see and deal with him face to face for handoffs. She did not allow him in her home nor would she enter his. But she still managed to do doorstep drop offs (until he threatened her to the point where the drops had to be done in the police station lobby). How she did it for as long as she did was beyond me. But she would tell you she did it because it was best for their child.

Email is fine as it keeps a written record of dates/times. I'm just saying that you need to understand that being civil at drops is not a 'friendship'. No one's suggesting that you end up 'best buddies'.

I see her twice a week for drop offs

Thanks for responses

Do you have 50 50 custody? Then you just have to get along.

@Guest275

Yes 50/50 amicable.

There is no tension. It's just simply I don't want to talk to her 😂 I already see her twice a week for handivers

I just want to say I know exactly how you feel. My stbxh has shown zero remorse and has never had the decency to apologise over his 4 year affair. Even worse he is the one who badmouths me to the children where I never say a bad word about him. The only thing I would advise is that this lack of remorse makes it far easier to get over the stbx as it just makes me realise he is an even bigger lowlife and has no values I admire. I think you are doing exactly the right thing by focusing on your son a relationship which is really worth investing in and in which you willl reap benefits from in years to come. I also understand why you'd never want to see her again. Would you choose to be friends with someone who constantly lies to you...no. I just think adultery is seen as the norm nowadays and we just excuse people's bad behaviour. In any other area of life e.g. work this type of lying would be inexcusable. Keep contact to a minimum and keep smiling!

@2018anewstart

Go full no contact. Not to punish but to heal.

Push emails and texts only contact

👍🏽

People who have no morals will cheat on each other. Not much of a foundation for a relationship imo

You have treated unfairly and are understandably hurting but taking pleasure in hurting her financially, and by extension your children, isn't admirable. Even if you are't doing this deliberately.

'On the bright side, the settlement figure she's expecting will be far smaller than she thinks.'

@thethoughtfox

And her affair, breaking up a marriage, family and causing all of this is probably my fault too?

The settlement figure will be much smaller because she's delusional about entitlement. Not punishment.

Not for a second.What you are going through sounds incredible unfair and heartless on her behalf. The best revenge is living well. Taking pleasure in this won't help you.

@ss770640 yes I keep contact to the bare minimum and just in relation to the children. But I have to agree with you personally I would prefer never to see my stbx again.

You have treated unfairly and are understandably hurting but taking pleasure in hurting her financially, and by extension your children, isn't admirable. Even if you are't doing this deliberately

If it’s 50:50 it isn’t “hurting the children” though, is it? The money stays with one co-parent, the children are unaffected by which one it stays with.

O/p my dh says he gets on much better with his ex now they don’t speak to each other :). It is a shit situation as people always automatically seem to side with the mother when kids are involved. Dh’s ex kicked him out to move the om in but that all seems to have been glossed over- it must be his fault she had the affair etc etc. What really hurts him is his family still treat her like a daughter in law, she goes round for christmas, they babysit for her, help her financially etc. If he challenges them they say they are worried she will stop them seeing the kids, so they actually see more of her than they do dh and I.

Dh was unfortunate in that 50:50 wasn’t possible- he had nowhere to live after she kicked him out.