step daughter comparing herself to her baby sister

[timelord92]

My 1 year old daughter is quite intelligent for her age I’ve been told by other people. This seems to be making my step daughter jealous. A few times when us, grandparents, etc on both sides have said how clever the baby is, my step daughter has turned around and said ‘well she’d better not be as intelligent as me’ in a kind of jokey but not way.

When the baby was a bit younger and she’d cross baby milestones like walk, eat for the first time, etc she would say ‘oh I did that at such a such age didn’t i’ making a reference that she was younger and therefore better. She’s 15 btw so not exactly a baby herself by any means.

Also, She normally stays at her mums xmas eve and comes to us xmas day in the evening but this year her mum has told her she can come to ours xmas eve if she wants but she originally said she wouldn’t as she feels guilty leaving her mum on her own. However, now she’s said coming xmas eve this year to see the baby open up her xmas presents but she wants dropping by off at her mums for 10am xmas day so she can have breakfast with her mum. The baby most days doesn’t wake up till half 9 anyway. I find this a little strange.

Should this be a worrying scenario for us or is it just usual teenage stuff? We have tried including her in everything that we do btw, we never leave her out of holidays, she has the bigger room out of kids room, and since the babies birth she’s decided to come every week instead of eow so she’s here a lot more too.

I agree with Anutaa here, yes reassure your sd but do not as other posters have suggested lay it on thick.
I have been in this exact situation also and of course babies get a lot of attention but in no way should you repress your feelings towards your baby. I walked on eggshells for way too long so as not to upset my own sd who was 15 when our dd was born but in the end realised that it didn't matter what we did it was never enough.

Sd lived with us full time and was fine when her half brothers were born we had no issues with jealousy at all with them, but when dd was born initially it was fine until dd was about 3 that I noticed something was amiss it was very gradual but The jealousy and insecurities escalated as they both got older especially when our dd was able to speak up for herself. I thought things might get better when sd got in a relationship moved out and had her own child but no it got worse. It was becoming clear that that sd would never accept that dd was also her dad's daughter. The digs, snide comments, telling tales on dd, false accusations lying to get dd in trouble, anything that could shine dd in a bad light. Also the comments to her father such as "I'm your favourite aren't I dad" were common place bearing in mind that dd was an adult with her own house and family.
She then started to turn on our oldest ds aged 22 and his girlfriend who she had never had any isssues with until now.
Things finally escalated last year when sd outed my daughter and humiliated her in public on a personal issue dd had spoken to sd about in confidence. Sd then publicly disowned her sister, she completely turned on ds and his girlfriend and tried to get girlfriend sacked from her job. I do believe this was solely because dd has a very close bond with ds and his gf.
My Daughter is now nearly 16 and is totally bewildered (and hurt) at how much her sister hates her.
Sd is now 30 and is the most narcissistic person I know, her insecurities run way deeper than just normal sibling rivalry but there is no going back from it now. She is no longer part of my family.

The reason I posted this is hopefully your sd is just feeling a little insecure and just needs reassuring but don't walk on eggshells with her and don't over egg the pudding, It does sound like she needs to know she's just as valued as your baby. It's good that she wants to see you all on Christmas morning so don't make an issue where there is none.

But do watch you don't end up in a situation like mine its hard to get the balance right but I think your doing ok. I wish I could've known then what I know now but sadly I can't turn back the clock.

CeceLaine66

That’s why I asked for advice to begin with to see whether letting it be would result in a worse situation down the road.

From your situation, which sounds very similar to ours, it seems that the situation could become an issue if it isn’t dealt with properly.

“I walked on eggshells for way too long so as not to upset my own sd who was 15 when our dd was born but in the end realised that it didn't matter what we did it was never enough.” It does make me feel like that sometimes that I can’t go on about her as much it case it makes my DSS feel inadequate to her sister.

I do keep thinking that if she feels a little bit jealous of the baby now when the baby isn’t really doing anything then what is she going to be like when my DD is talking properly.

The other day we all went to my grandparents to pick the baby up (including my DSD) and she made the comment again about hoping the baby won’t be as clever as her. This time though she made a comparison to her older brother by saying she knows she’s more intelligent than him and she always laughs at him about it.

Does your DS not speak to any of her siblings anymore either? When you say things started out quite gradual, what kinds of things would you do to begin with?

“The reason I posted this is hopefully your sd is just feeling a little insecure and just needs reassuring but don't walk on eggshells with her and don't over egg the pudding, It does sound like she needs to know she's just as valued as your baby.”

A lot of it is knowing what to say and how to respond to things that are said. So you think I should just act with the baby like my dsd isn’t there rather than suppressing some of my excitement when she around like what I’ve currently been doing?

I'm not CeceLaine,
but just think of it: why should you suppress your feelings for your daughter?
My SD also says how she draws better than my son, how she sings better than me, etc. If you ever mention something, she twists things and asks: "do you mean that I'm not smart/pretty/thin/etc"? as if she's being criticized. It could be a teenage thing...

Next time your SD says that she hopes that your DD isn't going to be as smart as her, can you ask her what would happen then? And remind her that in life there's also someone who's stronger than us in something and that she has to accept herself the way she is, otherwise she's going to be miserable. And tell her to stop comparing herself and concentrate on her own achievements.

Don't walk on eggshells, you have the right to love your daughter unconditionally!

anuta77

Yes your right I shouldn’t have to and neither should anyone else. My dsd herself even says she can’t believe some of the stuff the baby does. But it’s the first time I’d heard her compare herself in a more favourable way to her brother too. It got me thinking that if her brother ended up doing a lot better in life than her would she not be happy for him.

You mean ask her what would happen if my dad was smarter what would happen then?

I thought about that too that there is always someone out there who is smarter than us, better looking than us, etc and that’s just the way it is.

Wow, lighten up people. I always tell little kids they’re so clever and so grown up or doing something ever so well. That’s what you say to young kids right? I am not suggesting they complete a Mensa application form.

I would expect more maturity from a 15 year old and I imagine her behaviour is a bit tedious, but it obviously does sound like she is insecure. Heaping some praise on her so she doesn’t feel left out might be a good idea. Sometimes you have to do what you can to make kids feel comfortable without making a judgment as to why behaviour.

Their not why

Anute
I feel really sorry for your son who never clicked with your partner. Why on earth did you have a baby with him?

My advice would be to try to "big up" how much your dd1 likes your dsd. "Oh look, she's smiling at you. She likes you!" Theory being that most people tend to like those who show signs of liking them. And makes dsd feel a bit special and important and loved.