step daughter comparing herself to her baby sister

[timelord92]

My 1 year old daughter is quite intelligent for her age I’ve been told by other people. This seems to be making my step daughter jealous. A few times when us, grandparents, etc on both sides have said how clever the baby is, my step daughter has turned around and said ‘well she’d better not be as intelligent as me’ in a kind of jokey but not way.

When the baby was a bit younger and she’d cross baby milestones like walk, eat for the first time, etc she would say ‘oh I did that at such a such age didn’t i’ making a reference that she was younger and therefore better. She’s 15 btw so not exactly a baby herself by any means.

Also, She normally stays at her mums xmas eve and comes to us xmas day in the evening but this year her mum has told her she can come to ours xmas eve if she wants but she originally said she wouldn’t as she feels guilty leaving her mum on her own. However, now she’s said coming xmas eve this year to see the baby open up her xmas presents but she wants dropping by off at her mums for 10am xmas day so she can have breakfast with her mum. The baby most days doesn’t wake up till half 9 anyway. I find this a little strange.

Should this be a worrying scenario for us or is it just usual teenage stuff? We have tried including her in everything that we do btw, we never leave her out of holidays, she has the bigger room out of kids room, and since the babies birth she’s decided to come every week instead of eow so she’s here a lot more too.

ive no relevant step mothering experience but I remember at 15 I felt really awkward with my body, clothes etc. I was a bright student but by this point everyone was taking my A’s for granted so I don’t remember a lot of praise. I imagine if a baby turned up and all it had to do was some cute baby thing for everyone to say how beautiful and intelligent it was, then I would have felt ever more invisible.

My 1 year old daughter is quite intelligent for her age I’ve been told by other people. This seems to be making my step daughter jealous.
I’m guessing it isn’t your baby’s ‘intelligence’ that is making your DSD jealous.

When the baby was a bit younger and she’d cross baby milestones like walk, eat for the first time, etc she would say ‘oh I did that at such a such age didn’t i’ making a reference that she was younger and therefore better.
But is this because you and everyone else is making a big thing about how ‘intelligent’ the baby is and placing value on doing things early so your DSD feels like it’s ‘better’ to walk/talk,etc early.

Would it help if you were a bit more matter of fact about it and placed less value on being intelligent and meeting milestones. At 1 it’s all pretty meaningless anyway.

(FWIW, one of my DC spoke exceptionally early and everyone did go on about how ‘intelligent’ they were. They are now below average in quite a few areas at school.)

The Christmas thing sounds like a lovely idea. It can be awful feeling guilty that one of your parents are on their own and she obviously wants to get back to her mum but still be involved in the present opening at your house. It would be nice if you went out of your way to include her in this instead of dismissing her idea as ‘strange’.

I actually feel really sad for her reading your post.

Your poor DSD. The adults in her life have made her feel very insecure and haven’t the brains to realise it.

Does her dad have lots of photos of sd at that age? Could you take them out and exclaim over how cute she was at that age and just generally talk about her as a baby so she knows her dad knew her then and remembers everything. My dc love to take out their baby albums . If hers are at her dms could she bring them over. Please please focus on her and don't get annoyed. Eg if someone says how cute your baby is say..no wonder with such a beautiful big sister! Be aware of her need and meet it..both of ye.

The fact that you open your post by stating how intelligent your baby is tells us everything we need to know.

Be an adult OP, stop being ridiculous.

Just how intelligence can a 1 year old be?
It sounds like she’s feeling a bit insecure. Completely understandable, especially if people are constantly raving over her half sibling. I’m not sure why you’d be worried about it, just do your best to reassure her! Even 15 year olds need reassurance. How much 1:1 attention does she get?
Not sure what’s worrying about her Christmas plans? She wants to be there to see her baby sibling open her presents. That’s a nice thing, no? Just

*intelligent

Poor girl feels jealous because everyone keeps saying how intelligent her sister is. Does she get bigged up? I'm sure your one year old is nice and clever but you must be able to see how it's making her sister feel?

As an adult I find it tedious being around parents who are forever bigging up their childs intellegence at every opportunity. So I guess an insecure teen is going to find it even more challenging. Your post makes it sound that you’re jealous in some way that your sd is distracting from your own child’s super intelligence by bragging about her younger milestones, when in fact you are doing the same. It’s not a competition.

Unless your 1 year old is doing mensa level maths then all she is is normal. By making a huge deal out of thinks especially in front of your stepdaughter is clearly making her feel unimportant.

I am a step mum and have a 5 year old dd who is their sister. I know how exciting those firsts are especially when they are ahead of the expected age for them. However you are a grown woman and you need to show a bit more compassion and empathy for a teenage girl. She is most likely in puberty sland developing emotions she is not yet equipped to handle. You are being disrespectful and uncaring towards her. I don't doubt it is utterly unintended but you are pushing her out and this jealousy and one up manship is a clear sign she feels uneasy with where she now stands in the family.

I strongly suggest for all your sakes that you sit down with your step daughter and have an honest and open conversation.

We were worried of exactly this when I found out I was pregnant. My step son was 9, still very much reeling from his parents separation even though it was over a year before. Dd was unplanned and unexpected. I was told for over 15 years I was infertile and even though we were careful with condoms etc I wound up pregnant after 4 months together. Dd lives with her dad and we were very concerned how both his older kids would react. Dss is very possessive of his dad and displayed similar reactions to his own sister where dad was concerned. We took time, involved them in everything and made sure once dd was here that they were involved. I had no choice over feeding for medical reasons and ff also meant that they could be involved. But we are also very careful even now they are 15 & 13 that they get 121 time with both me and their dad.

Dsd and I regularly have girly shopping trips where as dss and I will walk the dog or go shopping if he needs stuff. Their dad does bike rides, swimming, gym etc with them or just hangs out having long breakfasts and pokemon hunting.

Involve your step daughter. Make sure she has time without your 1 year old there. Make her feel included instead of isolated and you will see a change

Would love to hear the intelligent things this one year old has been doing

It's kind of annoying, but sounds pretty normal. I think it's really sweet that she wants to stay over more now and see her open her Christmas presents. An alternative plan is to offer to hold back half of Baby sisters presents until she gets there in the evening.

Personally I'd lay it on thick about her being a great big sister and tell her you had her little sister because you thought she'd love a sibling and you are glad you were right. I think that would really quash any jealousy. I got one of mine a little photo book make up full of photos of her and her little half sister one Christmas with a page that said thank you for being such a great big sister. She was much younger than 15 but it was surprising how much she loved it and carried it around. You can feed her teenage ego in a way that is a good thing for your daughter.

The op has not made out once that she doesn’t include her stepdaughter in her life. It’s ridiculous to say she should only be excited about every aspect of her baby’s milestones unless she makes reference to her sister too. And she can only say her baby looks beautiful unless she says she takes after her sister.
I have 5 children. 4 bio and 1 step. My youngest is a baby all of the children adore her especially her sister who is my sdd. Whenever I say how beautiful the baby is or get excited about something the baby has done, I don’t feel the need to make reference about when the other children were babies just in case they feel left out. My baby is an individual person to them just like the op’s Baby is to her older sister. My children all know they are very much loved and all get attention in equal measure.
Only could a stepmum have a baby and be expected to suppress her excitement and love for her baby unless it all revolves around the Dscs.

funinthesun18 that’s great that yours are all happy and secure. However it seems the OP’s SD isn’t, and needs that extra reassurance. She is an individual too, and feels the way she feels. That doesn’t mean the OP has to surpress her excitement about her own child, but that she needs to be mindful of her SD’s feelings at the same time.

There just needs to be a balance surely. Showing the older child they are still loved by carrying on as a normal family is surely the best way to go. Still give them love and praise and attention.
There’s one extreme where the older child is completely left out and one where everyone is tripping over themselves to make sure the older child is happy to the extent where the baby can never be mentioned unless the older child is mentioned too. Talk about treading on eggshells. Both ways aren’t good and send out the wrong messages.

Hm, this has made me think. My DD is 4 now, and SD is 13. I have spent a few years wincing at comments about my daughters ability to draw - it's always assumed I drew her pictures - her clothes, language ability (I'm a fluent Russian speaker and she is learning from me). I don't know what to do - my SD plays with my daughter, who is a funny nice little girl, while dad's around, then as soon as he is out the room, she slams the door on her. I've largely tried to put the blame onto my own daughter to keep the peace which is in everyone's interests - don't pester your sister, etc., but quite frankly, the older girl is being jealous and mean. What can I do? Nothing.

My almost 12 y o SD does the same, constantly asking her dad if she also did XYZ like our 1 y. old son. Our son dances and sings, even imitates singing, so once DP said that he had never seen such a musical baby and SD to say: not even me? (she likes singing).

I actually noticed that whenever people come over, she wants to be the one to take the baby and show what he does. I'm thinking now that it's the way she gets attention. If he wants to be with her instead of me, she's excited. When there are no guests, she gets tired of him pretty fast.

She also pretends like she was the first one to see him walk or do other things and she forces him to show it to us (she comes EOW, so most times, we have already seen what he does).

I found all this very annoying, but the answers make me realize that she might be jealous...Personally, while I want to be the nice SM, I find it hard to get over my irritation and I feel bad about it.

So you all sit around saying how intelligent a 1 year old is....

And you think there maybe something "worrying" wrong???
Like what??

I think you need to walk in her shoes for abit

First time mum silliness - sorry OP. I went to a baby group for DC2 and held in laughter listening to people saying their baby's first words were at 9 months. The kid is going "BAH" and the mum is like "Wow she said ball! So clever!"

Your 1 year old is probably a normal happy child, stop making a big deal of her "intelligence."

As for the jealousy, I have a few friends with a large age gap between children so a preteen/teen and a baby. ALL of the older ones were jealous. Your DSD sounds like she's having a normal reaction. In one case the older sister expressed intense love and almost possessive feelings towards the baby, but then later started saying she was resentful and preferred being the only child. These are complicated emotions for young people.

Bless her, she's feeling insecure and maybe a bit jealous of the fuss and attention on the baby.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

It’s not so much me saying all this clever stuff btw its everyone else around us as I have nothing to compare her too. I just always assumed that everyone always bigs babies up tho don’t they when they are learning as it makes them want to continue to do it. Even a stranger in the supermarket actually used the clever word to her. I bet when my DSD was growing up all the adults gushed over her too. I asked my bf was there any jealousy issues when she was born 7 years after her brother and he said there wasn’t.

Now thinking about it my DSD Is complimented as she’s also told how clever she is as she manged to get into a difficult school, we had a photo shoot taken where she was the main object in it and we said how pretty she looked. There have been other things too but these are just what’s popped in my head. My bf does go and see her on his own sometimes too when she visits her nan without me and the baby. Also, she must like it with us as even when my bf is in work and I am off with the baby she stays with me rather than go home to her mum.

I do think my DSD is definitely a bit nervous that her dad won’t love her as much as her sister anymore but I think these are issues from the past. For instance, the first time we went swimming with the baby (with my DSD too) she commented that her dad didn’t take her swimming when she was younger even tho he did. She’s also been told repeatedly that she’s second best and her dad doesn’t want her by her mum. I Think we’ve come a long way with making sure she feels wanted but obviously she’s still insecure which is why ive come on here for advice to see if there’s something we aren’t doing.

There has been some good advice on here with that about how we can reassure her like saying she’s like her big sister, where we are acknowledging that she is still here and she hasn’t been replaced, and I liked the idea of bringing photos from her house as my bf doesn’t really have that many.

With the xmas thing it just seems very rushed to me. My bf has never had her stay over xmas eve only alternate xmas dinners before he met me. Now we just have her after xmas dinner so this xmas day the only time we will see her is for an hour maybe before she spends the rest of her day/night with her mum. We thought a better idea would have been stay with us till lunch time where we will drop her off at her mums but I seem to be the odd one out with that thought.

Cmmon - How intelligent can a 1 year old be? What does she do that other 1 year olds don't.

Talk, read, sing, feed herself, put her toys away neatly? People are just being nice?

Emm..so what if people are just being nice?

It's a 1year old baby..of course people will make a fuss and compliment..you should not not make a fuss of a baby because SC might be jelaous. SCs parents need to give her reassurance but not by taking away from your baby!

you should not not make a fuss of a baby because SC might be jelaous. SCs parents need to give her reassurance but not by taking away from your baby!

Exactly. People make a fuss of babies! I bet people made a fuss of the op’s sdd when she was 1 year old as well. And I bet they still do now for different reasons! Why shouldn’t her younger sister have people adoring her and making a fuss of her too?
As I said, every child is individual and should be treated as such. The op’s baby shouldn’t have to spend her life living in her sister’s shadow just in case she takes the attention from her for a few moments!

I can not believe that people are laughing at the OP for saying that her baby is intelligent but to make it on thick for a 15 y o SD who already gets praise.
I also say that my 1 y o is smart and I don't feel that it removes anything from my 10 y o son who was abandoned by his father, who didn't click much with DP and who has to see my DP being affectionate with the baby and SD. SD (12), on the other hand, who has a super affectionate mother and DP, constantly compares herself to the baby and has even displayed possessiveness towards him. I think that it's because she's the only girl, cute and charming, and was used to the attention and when you get a bit less of it, it doesn't feel good. My son is a shy boy, so he never got that much of an attention. However, I do explain to him that people just love babies, people also gushed over him and they will stop gushing over his little brother too. That's just the way life goes. I also work on developing his self-esteem in general, because there will always be someone next to us who's smarter, more good-looking, more talented, etc. and we shouldn't feel threatened by these situations.
OP, one day your baby will be 15 and by then, the SD might even have her own baby and people will gush over her and you will tell her how people gushed over her too.... Whatever you have done with your SD sounds great and I would just continue and don't try to repress yourself in your love for the baby.