Lesbian stepparenting

[wilko2]

Just a little background, I met my girlfriend when she was pregnant with her son. I was there throughout the pregnancy, was there at the birth and for the first year of his life I was there for all the night feeds/changes, days at nursery and all that. My girlfriends sons dad was always around and saw his son however always seemed to have a problem with me even though I helped him see his son.
Me and girlfriend broke up for 2 years and have just recently got back together, her son is now 3. Things are going great and he is amazing and I can feel myself finding it difficult to not take up that parenting role when I was so emotionally involved when we was together the first time, seen as though I was there for so much in the pregnancy and the first year.
Being so emotionally involved but not actually been the parent and only ever a step parent, does anything have any tips on how to deal with this as a step parent? I never know whether i should be too actively part of her sons life so much cause I aren't his parent but because I've always seen myself as his parent due to the circumstances even though I'm not which I know but it's hard. It's hard to take a step back and let them both be the mum/dad when I feel so much love towards him like he's my own.

If his parents don’t want you in a parenting role then you have to respect their decision. Be his friend instead. Spoil him as you see fit. :)

You are not 'letting' them be mum/dad. They ARE. He is not your child. Love him to pieces by all means but know your place.

Treat him like a nephew, but knowing if you split up with her again, you have no right to see him.

You need to keep your emotions in check with this.

What does your girlfriend say about the role she sees for you? Does that fit with what you’re hoping for? Are your parenting views broadly similar? Would you be allowed to tell him off if he’s doing something dangerous/really naughty?

You don’t have to answer all the q’s but just some things to think about.

The right balance is different for every family so you really need to speak to your girlfriend.

Let her know how involved you'd like to be and let her set clear boundaries based on what she's comfortable with.

1. how long have you been together this time round?
2. are you living with them/ how much do you see the child?
3. you broke up once, has the cause of the break up been resolved so much so that you both now think ‘this is it’.

If you see yourself as a parent to him, how much contact with him did you have in the 2 years you were apart?

I think it’s very difficult for relationships that you were out of your SS life but now back in again. If. I were you I’d be hanging back for several months, being more the aunt, not taking on too much parenting. You’ll muck the boy up if you go full on when things are still precarious.

I think the fact that you are in a lesbian relationship is irrelevant. You are the partner of the child's mother. There is a father on the scene. You were around in the early months and then (for whatever reason) absent for 2 years. I don't think you can consider yourself a 'parent' at the moment, maybe a fabulous aunt? Let the child's DM and DF do the parenting. Keep a backseat. Focus on your relationship with your partner, while making sure you don't vie for her attention when she's focusing on her DC or working with her ex in relation to parenting.

maybe a fabulous aunt

I like this! I’ve always gone for more of an aunt role and used how I am as an Aunt to shape how I am as a step mum. For eg things I’d intervene in behaviour wise in the Aunt role:

Something dangerous is happening (running with scissors, playing the matches etc)

Something is happening that is affecting me/other people in my care (kicking, hitting me or another child/an animal. Being rude to me/another child. Damaging my or another child’s belongings)

Above and beyond that I don’t get involved, as that’s what their parents are for. So if they’re not brushing their teeth/not going to bed on time/having bad table manners, not saying please and thank you etc etc I leave that up to the parents to sort.

Just to add that my niece/nephew/DSD aren’t kicking, screaming monsters - they’re just the points in my mind that I’d intervene. They’re actually all very good kids.

Oops playing with matches not playing the matches. I don’t think matches make the best musical instruments!

@HeckyPeck - Thank you so much for the best advice regarding this. I think taking the aunt role is brilliant and such a basic guide to go by on how to act and what to do/not do so thank you.

You’re welcome - I hope it helps. It can be very frustrating when you start thinking about things you might do differently parenting wise but I’ve learned to let it go & that while I’ll naturally have some influence by being part of their lives it’s their parents who are ultimately responsible for raising them.