My autistic stepson doesn't speak to me

[Jen1279]

Hi

I have been with my partner for a couple of years now and he has a teenage boy with aspergers, I would not say it was severe either. Whenever I try to start a conversation with his son he replies with one word answers or just ignores me. Not sure what else to Do? :(

Just keep being friendly. Don't ask questions that you expect a comprehensive reply to. Don't expect deep and meaningful conversations. Everyone with Aspergers has different types and levels of symptoms. All are individuals and different behaviours.
You've only been in his life a couple of years. How often do you see him? In his mind, you May be a virtual stranger - one he's met a handful of times. He's possibly still getting used to you.

If it’s any consolation I have a 13 year old DSD and i often get shrugged shoulders and ‘don’t know’ to open ended questions or one word answers. On a rare occasion you can’t stop her talking.

My OH has instigated a rule - all phones charging on the kitchen work surface when we’re home. We’d noticed that she was totally engrossed in her phone and wasn’t engaging and communicating. When she’s off screens and devices she’s more engaging.

Is he the sane with his dad? Or the same around others? If my DSD comes across as being difficult around me, my OH does pick her up on it.

He comes round at least once a week sometimes he will stay for 1-3 nights a week others only a quick visit. I say hi and get a reluctant hi back, if I ask a question sometimes he doesn't even answer not even to 'how are u?, or how was school?' I try not to press for replies but not sure if I'm being impatient as it's only been a couple of years. Should I just not expect him to talk to me? I don't know how to be around him when he doesn't engage in conversation. He is different around other people but they are other family members of his so I guess he is more comfortable. I've never had a conversation with him as he's not interested

Op. My nephew went from being the most adorable child to one who grunts in my direction vaguely. The only time I get a mumbled response is if I threaten to kiss him. He’s gotten slightly better recently but not much.

Because he’s my gorgeous nephew I pay it zero attention and still just kiss him from time to time . I really wouldn’t take it personally and just continuing doing what you are.

And I should say that this is a nephew who has been in my life very regularly since he was a baby. When I say he grunted, He literally went through about 2 years of it. I haven’t had a conversation with him for about 3 years! Cannot wait to tease him about it when he comes out the other side.

Just keep talking to him with phrases he can answer with a simple response. He might open up to you, but don't take it personally if he can't.
FWIW, I have seen a friend of dc2's several times. It was at least five meetings before he felt he could give me one word answers (he just smiled at me before then), but we are now on chatting terms.

From my experience, don't stress about it, don't push it, and certainly don't take it personally. Just be your normal self. However, he needs to understand basic manners, he will need to function in the real world at some point. If you're being ignored, calmly tell him that it's rude to ignore people and leave it at that.

My eldest SD is slightly on the spectrum and, whilst sometimes it was hard to know if she was being rude just because she could, or if it was down to the way her brain works, she still had to learn what was, and was not, acceptable behaviour.

When she was about 12 she'd decided to go to school early, but not tell anyone. She just left. Frantic searching followed. When we found her she couldn't understand what all the fuss was about and when we tried to explain, she stared at us and walked off. When asked why she'd walked off while we were still talking she informed us that it was because we weren't saying anything that interested her! Quite funny in retrospect, but infuriating at the time.

I think you're along the wrong questions! Most teenage boys will grunt in response to "how are you?" or "how's school?" type questions - they're too vague.

Is there anything he is interested in to talk about? You may have to fein or cultivate an interest in whatever his ok interests are. My DSS was very nerdy and socially awkward in his early teens, but asking advice on the latest phone I was thinking of buying got him very animated (and helpful!) Anything you can talk about that takes the focus off him and into something more abstract is good. What does he like watching on TV or YouTube? Can you watch it with him and discuss? I also used to reminisce about school subjects and differences from today's education system as a way in to talking about things sometimes.

I always reckoned my ds spoke fluently at 4 & it went downhill from there by the time most boys get to 12 they seem to have lost most of their ability to communicate - yes, no & ok & grunt. In addition this lad is within the spectrum which means he has social communication issues & also he will probably have slow processing speed ie working out what you mean & what you want for an answer is a major issue asking open questions is always difficult for someone with ASD be specific & ask a closed direct question

He is interested in sports, his games console and school. If i ask him about his football and school lessons it's still one word answers so there is never any less into a conversation. Much of the time he ignores me especially when his dad isn't in the room

Any start to a conversation.. not less!

Thanks for all the advice, just at a loss and when he is round I feel uncomfortable in my own home.

Totally normal behaviour, aspergers or not. You've described my son and a number of his friends.

Why do they act like this? They feel awkward. Why? Who knows but my son will say he doesn't know what to talk about.

He is a bit better with me but like this with his grand parents and other family members he doesn't see regularly.

As others have said don't push he will just get worse. It doesn't mean in any way that he doesn't like you, just that he doesn't know how to interact with you.

Advice is either to let him be and accept him as he is without judgment (they're very good at picking up if you don't like them) or try to enter his world. Best way to get to my son is talking facts about his supporting football team. Booooring but not to him!

Thanks everyone, suppose I better start scrubbing up on my sports knowledge! Will try to be patient.

Sometimes my teens volunteer more chat if I ask for their help with shopping or we are doing the recycling together, so walking along side by side.

I’d be very specific. I’d say can we please exchange a few words when you visit? Otherwise it feels really awkward. And I’d like us to be friends, even just a little bit. Can we say hello, and then tell me two things about your latest game/sports? Start simple, small, then relax.

I’d see if there is one thing you can do together once a month. One thing. The cinema? Sports quiz? Get him to advise you on a game? If you tap into his interests and learn from him.

You're trying to engage him in small talk. We don't do small talk. There's 4 people in my household and we all have Aspergers. We can go for weeks days without speaking to each other other than to convey necessary info.. But we all love each other and love being together.