Adult stepdaughter coming on holiday with us

[Nettletheelf]

I have two DSC: a DSS aged 23 and a DSD aged 25. I’ve been married to their dad for 11 years. We don’t have our own children, sadly. DH had been divorced for 5 years when we met.

It wasn’t easy, taking on a teenager and an almost teenager, but I worked at it and we have a good relationship now. DH never really supported me when they behaved badly, and that has been the single biggest cause of arguments in our marriage: he thinks that I should love his children as much as he does and should put my own needs, and the needs of my family, second. Having said that, we are happily married.

Every year, DH and I go skiing with a group of old friends. Ages range from mid forties to sixties.

DSD and DSS can ski: DH and I took them skiing the first year we were married as a treat, and that was when they learned. Since then DSD found a boyfriend at university who was keen on skiing and joined the university ski club etc. She couldn’t afford to go skiing every year but she did it anyway. That, combined with a long degree, means that she’s got some pretty hefty student loans.

Anyway DSD is now in her first job and told DH unprompted that she didn’t have anybody to ski with this year and really wanted to go. I suspect that she was angling to be asked on our trip, and DH did so.

DH asked me, very tentatively, how I’d feel about DSD joining the trip. I said that I’d prefer it if she didn’t. It’s an established group of people our age (I’m 46) with whom DH and I can let our hair down. Having DSD there will change the dynamic: we won’t be able to talk about the same things because she doesn’t have the same cultural reference points, and DH will act differently. I know that he’ll steer the conversation onto ‘my daughter and topics my daughter is interested in’ and I’ll be relegated to the back seat, as I often am when DSD and DSS are present (I am considered witty and lively so I’m not somebody who just sits there waiting to be ‘drawn out’).

The other thing is, DSD, being young, has a tendency to talk about herself all the time and to virtue signal. I usually let it go, we were all young and un-self aware once, but a week of it in a ski chalet whilst DH gazes at her in adoration and forgets that I’m there? No thanks.

DSD knows some of the other members of the group slightly, but only slightly.

Despite my telling DH that I’d prefer if DSD didn’t come, he invited her anyway and she’s definitely coming. I am annoyed. Should I be?

(Sorry if long, didn’t want to drip feed)

[auntyflonono]

So, now she is coming and there is no changing it how are you going to behave? You said earlier you were forced into the step-mother role. How will you handle that, or change it?

I think you need a plan, or a mind set, to not let it become the old dynamic. Still be witty fun you with your friends. Still put your feet up and talk as an adult as you usually would. Don't be changed. It might even help your relationship with DH and DSD long term, you never know!

[JellieEllie]

After reading the full thread I'm sorry OP you sound very jealous of your stepdaughter.

[HeckyPeck]

You don’t sound jealous at all OP.

[cees]

Oh god this is my idea of hell and your husband went ahead and invited her even though he knew you didn't agree, sorry but I'd go mad. He has little regard for you as his wife. Also no, you do not sound jealous at all, it's like when you arrange to go out with friends and one person brings their kid along, it changes the whole dynamic.

I would tell him to uninvite her. It looks like he is playing doting dad and assigned you the role of villain.

[woolduvet]

Yep not on and I'm glad he's seen the light.
But I'd make sure I was off having fun with all the friends and leave him and his dd to do things if they need to. It might make him realise that the dynamic has changed and he's missing out on his usual holiday that he enjoys.

[Thebluedog]

I think it would depend o. How she intends to spend the holiday. If she was a shadow to you and your dh, in the slopes and off the slopes, sharing a hotel room etc, that would annoy me. And I agree she will change the dynamic of the holiday.

I think I’d be more annoyed at dh inviting her after you’d said he rather didn’t. To me that shows a lack of respect for your feelings ha and him putting his, and his dd feelings before yours.

[Nettletheelf]

Thanks for the responses (except the spiteful ones...if you’ve nothing civil to say, go and attack somebody on a different thread).

DH confessed that when he asked me how I felt about DSD coming on the trip, he’d already told her that she could come and didn’t feel able to un-invite her. So he was hoping that I’d say yes and when I didn’t, lacked the balls to tell me that it was already a done deal and hoped that I’d forget I’d said no.

Can’t do anything about it now, the deposits are paid, so I’ll just have to make the best of it. I’m one of the people who gets the party started on these holidays anyway, so I’ll just do what I normally do.

I will now put on my Kevlar vest and prepare for the next round of accusations that I am full of myself, ego driven, obsessed with being the centre of attention, jealous of my DSD, don’t know my place, poison people with Novichok etc.

[Aprilislonggone]

I stand with you op. 100%.

[TooSassy]

So he was hoping that I’d say yes and when I didn’t, lacked the balls to tell me that it was already a done deal and hoped that I’d forget I’d said no.

Oh OP I’m so sorry but that made me laugh out loud. Men can be absolutely useless at times! What is the likelihood you are going to ‘forget’. Here’s the question? Is he likely to make the same mistake again?

[Observatorycrest]

Nettleheelf step daughter or not if my OH went off and invited our adult DC to an annual gathering with out mutual friends I would be pissed off too. It’s nothing to do with bloody jealousy and other nonsense on here. It’s an adult trip and he has simply gone off and invited his adult DC without any discussion. I love letting my hair down with my friends and I enjoy having a break without the DC. So I understand why your pissed off..... no idea why folks on here are going on about ego and jealousy?! Bit bizarre. Husband invites adult DC to an annual adult holiday without discussing it with his wife? That’s the issue

[Cherries101]

My Dad would die of embarrassment if we ever went on holiday with him. I think your dh has attachment issues, and you really need to take more of a stand.

[Nettletheelf]

Thanks ladies.

[Nettletheelf]

To TooSassy: I don’t think he will make the same mistake now that our friends have taken him to task!

[IHaveBrilloHair]

Gosh OP, I'd be fuming if I were you.
My Dd is 17, perfectly able to have a nice conversation with my friends, they like her etc but unless she has to be there for some reason, she's not invited.
No matter what age, they do change the dynamic.

[kalokagathos]

Sounds like there are issues. I also have a step daughter and would love for her to join if it was suggested, the more the merrier. I would also make sure to include her in the group. I have a fantastic relationship with my own folks and get on with their friends amazingly well. Without having more background, it sounds to me like jealousy on your part. I would be mortified if my husband told me not to invite my child along.

[Nettletheelf]

Not this again. Do you ignore your husband when your daughter is present? Does your husband ignore you when your stepdaughter is present?

Unless your answer is ‘yes’, the circumstances are not comparable.

Congratulations on your (apparently) trouble-free blended family. What value does boasting about it add to this thread?

[HeckyPeck]

I would be mortified if my husband told me not to invite my child along.

I would be mortified if my husband invited his daughter along to a holiday with a group of friends who never invite kids and without even asking them if they would mind.

It’s an incredibly rude and selfish thing to do.

[woolduvet]

I'd be annoyed if our grown up daughter was invited on my friends holiday. And I do say our daughter.
She'd change our holiday, she's more than welcome on the equivalent family holiday.
And I love her to bits

[HeckyPeck]

How different the general consensus is on this one...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3401121-Would-you-take-dh-to-all-girls-and-children-caravaning-or-WIBU?pg=1&order=

[Piccalillisnooze]

I cannot imagine how justifiably horrified my step-mum figure would be - and my dad - if I invited myself on their holiday! Even now I’m older than 25! It would be my worst nightmare too, what is she thinking
We all play different roles in our lives - I now have young kids, but can’t wait to be going on old-friend holidays again in fifteen years or so (so log away!!)
As a step child it seems perfectly logical to me that you don’t want her there - who you are with your family can be completely different to who you are with your old friends.

[Magda72]

Nice one @HeckyPeck .
Says it all really - you shall not have a life outside of your sdcs!!!!

[bringincrazyback]

Children should be loved, cared for & shown respect by their parents & vice versa. But children should not be put on pedestals (nor should parents), & ADULT children should never be more of a priority than any spouse.

I wish I'd written this. Couldn't agree more.

[Wdigin2this]

I would be incandescent with rage! He asked you if she could come, you stated clearly you’d prefer not....but he invited her anyway!!!
This is not going to go down well with your friends, who are expecting a ‘grown up’ holiday, with people of their own age and peer group, so don’t be surprised if, after the first ‘jolly evening’, they veer away from you three!
I think you may as well resign yourself to, a holiday where your DH and DSD have a lovely Daddy/Daughter time, whilst you spend time virtually alone. Or....you could encourage them, to go off together, and you spend time wit the rest of the group!

[Wdigin2this]

My DH and I regularly go away with my DD and partner, as well as his DD and partner and we have a great time because we enjoy each other’s company. It works because none of us are under 40, the holiday is planned that way, and there are no other non/family people involved.
However, if we were going on a break with a same generation group of friends, whom we holidayed with regularly, then NO, we absolutely wouldn’t invite our daughter’s!!
PS: No you are not, I repeat...NOT a jealous DSM!