Adult stepdaughter coming on holiday with us

[Nettletheelf]

I have two DSC: a DSS aged 23 and a DSD aged 25. I’ve been married to their dad for 11 years. We don’t have our own children, sadly. DH had been divorced for 5 years when we met.

It wasn’t easy, taking on a teenager and an almost teenager, but I worked at it and we have a good relationship now. DH never really supported me when they behaved badly, and that has been the single biggest cause of arguments in our marriage: he thinks that I should love his children as much as he does and should put my own needs, and the needs of my family, second. Having said that, we are happily married.

Every year, DH and I go skiing with a group of old friends. Ages range from mid forties to sixties.

DSD and DSS can ski: DH and I took them skiing the first year we were married as a treat, and that was when they learned. Since then DSD found a boyfriend at university who was keen on skiing and joined the university ski club etc. She couldn’t afford to go skiing every year but she did it anyway. That, combined with a long degree, means that she’s got some pretty hefty student loans.

Anyway DSD is now in her first job and told DH unprompted that she didn’t have anybody to ski with this year and really wanted to go. I suspect that she was angling to be asked on our trip, and DH did so.

DH asked me, very tentatively, how I’d feel about DSD joining the trip. I said that I’d prefer it if she didn’t. It’s an established group of people our age (I’m 46) with whom DH and I can let our hair down. Having DSD there will change the dynamic: we won’t be able to talk about the same things because she doesn’t have the same cultural reference points, and DH will act differently. I know that he’ll steer the conversation onto ‘my daughter and topics my daughter is interested in’ and I’ll be relegated to the back seat, as I often am when DSD and DSS are present (I am considered witty and lively so I’m not somebody who just sits there waiting to be ‘drawn out’).

The other thing is, DSD, being young, has a tendency to talk about herself all the time and to virtue signal. I usually let it go, we were all young and un-self aware once, but a week of it in a ski chalet whilst DH gazes at her in adoration and forgets that I’m there? No thanks.

DSD knows some of the other members of the group slightly, but only slightly.

Despite my telling DH that I’d prefer if DSD didn’t come, he invited her anyway and she’s definitely coming. I am annoyed. Should I be?

(Sorry if long, didn’t want to drip feed)

[TooSassy]

Ooooo. This is a tough one OP.

You know, I adore my kids. But if I had an annual holiday with my friends (that was a traditional let your hair down, all raucous chats and banter included), and my DC asked if they could come, I think my gut response would be a firm no. I mean I’d feel guilty but I’d very much know that I’d have to watch what I said. That being said, i could very easily see that the pleasure of spending time with them, as adults, would probably mitigate that and overall I’d invite them along.

Re the money? Depends entirely on your monetary situation. If I could afford to pay a trip as a one off / supplement going out money, then I’d probably do it. What’s the point of money if you can’t indulge your own children? If I couldn’t afford it and this was something I had cut corners to afford, then I would have an issue with the money.

Personally I think overall I too would allow my DC to attend. I’d take the view that they may not ask again. As others have said, this isn’t a small romantic/ couples thing, it’s a group shindig. With a large enough party that surely there are multiple conversations going when the vino is flowing?

Overall, I’d suck it up, it’s a week and you’ve been married 11 years. Even if his DD monopolises him, who cares? But if you can’t get on board with it, then you need to cancel IMO because otherwise, one night after too much vino, this could very well kick off.

[TooSassy]

Actually now I’ve written that post, it’s not a tough one. I wouldn’t at all mind my DC attending, I imagine it would be lovely to hang out with them and feel a little pride over what lovely young adults they have turned into.

Yes she probably will get the attention. Up to you to decide how you’re going to handle it.

[Magda72]

But this is a group event - it's not just about one set of parents or one parent wanting to spend time with their adult kid(s). If the group had decided that that kids would be included too, or that kids would be included as they got older, the overall scenario would be very different.
Also - it's not a decision op & her dh made together. He disregarded her opinion because HE has decided HE doesn't want to do a separate ski trip with his dd & to hell with op & the rest of the group!

[easternedge]

Tbh it does sound as if you are a bit jealous. You talk of being 'relegated' and are quick to point out how lively and witty you are as if your SD will somehow make that less so.

You need to suck it up or stay home. His daughter will probably always come first and that's really the way it should be.

[Butterymuffin]

I'd be annoyed by that too OP. However, it's a done deal now and if you pull out, you lose your own holiday time with your friends. What I would do - and I'm not saying this will be easy - is to try and approach it now as your holiday with friends, on which your husband and his daughter just happen to also be present. Make up your mind to be off with your friends and sitting with them at meals. Leave your DH and his daughter to it, rather than it being them leaving you to it, if you see what I mean. I know you lose out on couple time that way, but it also makes the point to your husband that he can't always have both.
Long term, if he's always like this, that needs more thinking about. But to salvage some pride and your holiday I'd play it this way.

[shakeyourcaboose]

@butterymuffin has great advice there.

[Jlynhope]

Good grief. Yes, I do think it's nice he is so attentive. I didn't say you where just a random woman I'm saying that many girls (including myself) would have been thrilled to have a dad who adored them so much! It's a group trip you'll be fine. His dd will hopefully always be a bigger priority to him and this hardly seems like an enormous deal. You said other adults sometimes join and everyone is fine with being there except for you. The more you respond the more jealous you sound and the rant aobut a 51 married man fawning over a 25 yo is bizarre. She is not your competition she is his daughter. What her student debt has to do with anything is beyond me.

[WhiteCat1704]

Jlynhope are you married?

[Jlynhope]

Yes, I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 14. One of the reasons I love him is because I know our son will always be his biggest priority. And no we don't get much time together, he works crazy hours and our ds has several special needs. The relationship with your kids though is so important though and it sounds like this dad really adores his daughter. That is a good thing.

[HeckyPeck]

Actually now I’ve written that post, it’s not a tough one. I wouldn’t at all mind my DC attending, I imagine it would be lovely to hang out with them and feel a little pride over what lovely young adults they have turned into.

But OP won’t have a lovely time. She’ll be ignored and sidelined by her husband.

[HeckyPeck]

One of the reasons I love him is because I know our son will always be his biggest priority.

Does your husband ignore and sideline you when your son is around?

I’m guessing not and that he acts like a normal person including you both in the conversation.

[HollowTalk]

I reckon if you offered your SD the same amount of cash to not come with you (so that she could go with someone else) then she'd take it in a flash.

[Jlynhope]

Our son has severe PTSD from early childhood trauma. The dynamic when the three of us are together is incredibly complicated as our ds works though his different attachment with each of us. Yes one of us is sidelined and it often sucks, but we are the parents. He is our priority and a 25 yo adult hardly seems an enormous inconvenience. OP's issue is with her dh (which is fine) but it seems more important she talks to her dh about this rather than focus on her dsd student debts and false modesty.

[easternedge]

But OP won’t have a lovely time. She’ll be ignored and sidelined by her husband.

And that's a husband problem not a stepdaughter problem.

[Magda72]

@Jlynhope - I genuinely mean no disrespect but girls wishing/wanting/expecting their fathers to 'adore' them is precisely what creates so much grief in blended relationships. Children should be loved, cared for & shown respect by their parents & vice versa. But children should not be put on pedestals (nor should parents), & ADULT children should never be more of a priority than any spouse.
The whole point of becoming an adult is to become one! - i.e. to learn to separate out from your parents & hopefully continue to have a fantastic relationship with them on an adult to adult basis.
Maintaining a childish attachment to & expectation of your parents in adulthood is very unhealthy. Same goes for parents who cannot treat their grown up children as adults.
In this case OP's dh is bang out of order to put the wishes of his 25 year old adult daughter before his wife bearing in mind it is both his wife's holiday & a well established group holiday which means a lot to his wife.
Btw @Butterymuffin - great advice.

[HeckyPeck]

I agree it’s a husband problem. No one said it’s the DSDs fault that her dad is selfish.

That doesn’t change the fact that it’s going to spoil OP’s holiday.

[easternedge]

This is the weirdest thread ever. Everybody seems so sympathetic to the op when reallyshe sounds like she wants to be the centre of attention and doesn't want ousted.

How about everybody grows up and just behaves normally. You know, spend some time together, sometime apart. Total non problem.

[HeckyPeck]

There’s a difference between wanting to be center of attention and not wanting to be ignored.

The problem is that OPs husband won’t behave normally and his behaviour will spoil her holiday.

[Nettletheelf]

Oh dear, I suspect that Easternedge has been the stepdaughter who didn’t want to share her father with another woman. Why all the venom otherwise? Stick with AIBU. You’ll get better opportunities to gang up on other posters there.

Thanks for all the helpful responses.

[HeckyPeck]

OP you should have posted saying your DH has invited his mum instead of daughter. You’d get very different responses I bed!

[HeckyPeck]

Bet not bed!

[Nettletheelf]

Incidentally, I’ve explained several times that I don’t expect to be the sole focus of attention and am perfectly capable of conducting my own social interactions in a group without my DH (hence the ‘lively and witty’ remark).

Don’t let that stop you from stepmother bashing, though.

[Nettletheelf]

HAHAHAHA at inviting his mum! And you are quite right about the difference in the reaction.

[MrsPworkingmummy]

You have my sympathies OP. This would be my worst nightmare. Nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable, anxious and sidelined on your owm hard earned holiday.

[Nettletheelf]

Sorry for the piecemeal responses. The other group members are not happy about DSD joining. Only a few of them know her, and only slightly. They have accepted DH’s request that she join out of kindness and because they are, as an earlier poster noted, too polite to say no. I can’t imagine that they are all thrilled.