Adult stepdaughter coming on holiday with us

[Nettletheelf]

I have two DSC: a DSS aged 23 and a DSD aged 25. I’ve been married to their dad for 11 years. We don’t have our own children, sadly. DH had been divorced for 5 years when we met.

It wasn’t easy, taking on a teenager and an almost teenager, but I worked at it and we have a good relationship now. DH never really supported me when they behaved badly, and that has been the single biggest cause of arguments in our marriage: he thinks that I should love his children as much as he does and should put my own needs, and the needs of my family, second. Having said that, we are happily married.

Every year, DH and I go skiing with a group of old friends. Ages range from mid forties to sixties.

DSD and DSS can ski: DH and I took them skiing the first year we were married as a treat, and that was when they learned. Since then DSD found a boyfriend at university who was keen on skiing and joined the university ski club etc. She couldn’t afford to go skiing every year but she did it anyway. That, combined with a long degree, means that she’s got some pretty hefty student loans.

Anyway DSD is now in her first job and told DH unprompted that she didn’t have anybody to ski with this year and really wanted to go. I suspect that she was angling to be asked on our trip, and DH did so.

DH asked me, very tentatively, how I’d feel about DSD joining the trip. I said that I’d prefer it if she didn’t. It’s an established group of people our age (I’m 46) with whom DH and I can let our hair down. Having DSD there will change the dynamic: we won’t be able to talk about the same things because she doesn’t have the same cultural reference points, and DH will act differently. I know that he’ll steer the conversation onto ‘my daughter and topics my daughter is interested in’ and I’ll be relegated to the back seat, as I often am when DSD and DSS are present (I am considered witty and lively so I’m not somebody who just sits there waiting to be ‘drawn out’).

The other thing is, DSD, being young, has a tendency to talk about herself all the time and to virtue signal. I usually let it go, we were all young and un-self aware once, but a week of it in a ski chalet whilst DH gazes at her in adoration and forgets that I’m there? No thanks.

DSD knows some of the other members of the group slightly, but only slightly.

Despite my telling DH that I’d prefer if DSD didn’t come, he invited her anyway and she’s definitely coming. I am annoyed. Should I be?

(Sorry if long, didn’t want to drip feed)

[OrdinarySnowflake]

You need to be clearer - you went with "Id prefer you didn't" rather than "No, don't invite DSD along, it'll ruin the holiday."

So tell him in no uncertain terms you think it'll ruin the holiday if she comes along. That you know he doesn't want 2 ski trips, but to fix this, it's better he takes DSD and DSS for a long weekend skiing without you.

[timeisnotaline]

I would be annoyed too, but buttery muffins response is exactly how you should play it. If your dh says he wants time with you when what he means is he wants you to sit in on his Daddy daughter bonding then the answer is he can book you a romantic weekend.

[TooSassy]

Oh then OP I think this is totally not on. Sorry I may have skim read thread earlier and / or assumed adult kids would sometimes tag along. If this has been a firm ‘grown ups knees up’ away, established holiday then no, no way should the daughter be invited and on that basis I wouldn’t invite my DC either.

It’s the equivalent of a girls holiday where there’s always one girl who has to bring a man. I mean like, really?

[OrdinarySnowflake]

So others have been clear they aren't happy with it to you? So tell him! Be direct - "X, Y and Z have made it clear they don't want DSD to come along and are just being polite to you, they are hoping I'll stop you bringing her. Can you either put her off or take her skiing separately?"

You are prioritising not upsetting him over stopping him upsetting other people. And that includes you. You need to be blunter.

[MaisyPops]

To me a group holiday with friends is a group holiday with friends. Someone bringing their child changes the dynamic in a way someone bringing a friend along to the group doesn't.

Fine adult children attending family holidays, but not friend holidays.

That said, I think it's a DH problem.

[NorthernRunner]

This is a tough one and I’m parking my big bum well and truely on the fence.

On one hand we have your DSD, who enjoys skiing and wants to go skiing with her brother, dad and Step mom, lovely. What I would give to do that with my dad!!

But then in the other corner we have the group holiday issue. Having a child join the party does change the dynamic- and I say child because despite her being 25, she is still your child, and I can see how that changes things. She may be an adult but what was your carefree annual trip away, turns into a week whereby you have responsibilities and someone else to consider.

I think you need to speak candidly to your DH. Whilst I doubt he is going to disinvite DSD, it’s important he understands that this isn’t just about him and DSD, it’s the groups holiday and you don’t want to miss out on time with your friends. But you will need to word it carefully, strangers on here have already accused you of being jealous, chances are that will cross Dhs mind also!

[PlinkPlink]

Difficult one.

This is clearly an established sore point in your marriage which looks like it has never been resolved. Your husband has just pushed it even further into an unresolvable situation.

He has clearly disregarded your feelings and needs. His children most definitely should come first but he should also be able to take your feelings into consideration. As human beings, we are capable of prioritising multiple people.

I feel sad for you OP. You've clearly made the effort over the years to establish a relationship with his children.

At a young 25 though, I would imagine she won't enjoy the company of a group of 45 year olds. She might stick around for a day or two but I really think she won't stay much longer. I certainly wouldn't have when I was that age. She'll most likely go off and explore in her own, meet new people her age perhaps?

The actual holiday may not be as bad. She might take her Dad with her to certain places but you could chill out with your friends and have a good time without them DH and DSD?

Maybe let this one go. But do make it clear to your husband that you are upset he has not even considered you. He hasn't considered the fact that this is a special time for you to really relax and he has taken that away from you. His daughter does come first and you have always accepted a secondary role in that respect. But a skiing holiday for his daughter is not a life and death situation. It's also not particularly important that she goes on a skiing holiday. So the 'my daughter comes first' thing doesn't really apply here, I don't think.

This really is something that needs to be talked about but it sounds like he thinks whatever way he chooses to deal with it is correct and that's final?

[Nettletheelf]

Thanks. Turns out that the booking is now irrevocable, the chalet is booked and the deposit is paid, so it’s a fait accompli. I’m going to make the best of it and solicit the support of the friends.

DH has now apologised, and I kind of suspect that this might be the first and last time DSD joins our trip. Amongst all the other reasons that would affect the group overall (preventing me and DH from letting our hair down; half baked opinions expressed at every opportunity; being vegan, which will restrict where we can eat), I don’t think that DH would put me in this position again.

[Nettletheelf]

I don’t think that his daughter should always come first, by the way. I am his wife. I don’t expect to rank behind a 25 year old daughter, and I’ve made that clear to DH.

[NorthernRunner]

I don’t think that his daughter should always come first by the way

I agree, I know blended families are complex, but you two are partners, a team, you don’t warrant less respect or care or love than his DD.
Hope you have a great trip OP, I’ve always wanted to go skiing x

[Nettletheelf]

Thank you.

[FishesThatFly]

Does he know that your friends are not very happy too?

[Nettletheelf]

He does now!

[HeckyPeck]

I agree that you shouldn’t come second OP.

I’m an adult step daughter and I don’t rank myself above my step parents. That would be bizarre and massively entitled!

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Even though it may not be so bad, it’s the fact that he disregarded what you wanted in favour of her that rankles. We also ski and if one of dh’s adult kids wanted to come he would do exactly the same.

I would imagine the reason you’re annoyed is that this is just one more time he’s putting her wants above yours. I live with this on a daily basis and like your dh, mine has never supported me when they behaved badly, even as adults. Not a positive post I’m sorry, but I feel your pain.

[Thatstheendofmytether]

I'm 28 and there is not a chance I would go on today with my parents and a group of their friends on my own. Can't really understand why your dsd wants to go unless it's a freebie.

[PlinkPlink]

No, gosh not always. There are ways of making you both a priority in his life.

Glad to hear things are sounding more positive now.

[FishesThatFly]

How did he find out the friends aren't happy? Did they tell him themselves? What was his reaction?

[Alwayscheerful]

@Magda72 great post. 

[VenusInSpurs]

Loads of parents have holidays with adult children.

It’s hard on step children, and doesn’t feel any different when hi grow up.

Hard in DH, too, if he had to choose because you are a step mother.

I would chill about it, She will find people her own age to socialise with and go to bars with. And if not, she’ll be outnumbered, generation wise.

[PersonaNonGarter]

Vegan?! Fuck, no. That will piss everyone off.

I think speak to DH again. This is madness and he is just sticking his head in the sand. Tell him to stay out longer and book her in for the next week. Yes, expensive, but it was his mistake.

No way would I go on a lovely expensive ski holiday where you need to team-dine with a vegan.

[Nettletheelf]

Yes, lots of parents have holidays with adult children. Not many long established groups of adult friends do, though!

Nobody is making DH choose. He could have compromised on his wish to only do one skiing holiday per year and still had a skiing holiday with his kids and another with his wife, where she wasn’t railroaded into assuming the stepmother role for a week she’d planned to spend relaxing with her husband and mates.

One of the (lovely and loyal) friends I confided in actually contacted DH to tell him that his behaviour wasn’t on. She’ll put a good face on it now that DSD is definitely coming and the booking can’t be changed. DH pretty shocked: he can’t see why everybody shouldn’t feel the same way as he does about his daughter!

[ContessasGulagSpaDay]

On behalf of vegans, there is usually SOMETHING we can eat (unless you're at a Brazilian restaurant or something) so please don't go out of your way to accomodate her on that score. It will not kill her to subsist on salads, chips, bread and nuts for a week -or Trek bars and Graze packs as I may have previously done--

[ContessasGulagSpaDay]

x-post - that's brilliant that your friends are speaking up! Careful he doesn't accuse you of poisoning minds against her though, op...

[Aroundtheworldandback]

I doubt the chef will be making her separate meals nor will you all have to eat vegan, I would imagine he/she will just incorporate her diet into a few side dishes.