Adult stepdaughter coming on holiday with us

[Nettletheelf]

I have two DSC: a DSS aged 23 and a DSD aged 25. I’ve been married to their dad for 11 years. We don’t have our own children, sadly. DH had been divorced for 5 years when we met.

It wasn’t easy, taking on a teenager and an almost teenager, but I worked at it and we have a good relationship now. DH never really supported me when they behaved badly, and that has been the single biggest cause of arguments in our marriage: he thinks that I should love his children as much as he does and should put my own needs, and the needs of my family, second. Having said that, we are happily married.

Every year, DH and I go skiing with a group of old friends. Ages range from mid forties to sixties.

DSD and DSS can ski: DH and I took them skiing the first year we were married as a treat, and that was when they learned. Since then DSD found a boyfriend at university who was keen on skiing and joined the university ski club etc. She couldn’t afford to go skiing every year but she did it anyway. That, combined with a long degree, means that she’s got some pretty hefty student loans.

Anyway DSD is now in her first job and told DH unprompted that she didn’t have anybody to ski with this year and really wanted to go. I suspect that she was angling to be asked on our trip, and DH did so.

DH asked me, very tentatively, how I’d feel about DSD joining the trip. I said that I’d prefer it if she didn’t. It’s an established group of people our age (I’m 46) with whom DH and I can let our hair down. Having DSD there will change the dynamic: we won’t be able to talk about the same things because she doesn’t have the same cultural reference points, and DH will act differently. I know that he’ll steer the conversation onto ‘my daughter and topics my daughter is interested in’ and I’ll be relegated to the back seat, as I often am when DSD and DSS are present (I am considered witty and lively so I’m not somebody who just sits there waiting to be ‘drawn out’).

The other thing is, DSD, being young, has a tendency to talk about herself all the time and to virtue signal. I usually let it go, we were all young and un-self aware once, but a week of it in a ski chalet whilst DH gazes at her in adoration and forgets that I’m there? No thanks.

DSD knows some of the other members of the group slightly, but only slightly.

Despite my telling DH that I’d prefer if DSD didn’t come, he invited her anyway and she’s definitely coming. I am annoyed. Should I be?

(Sorry if long, didn’t want to drip feed)

[Dafspunk]

It doesn’t sound like you have much choice about this situation so surely it’s best to look at the positives - it’s a large group so presumably you can quite easily keep a bit of distance between you without looking like you’re doing it on purpose?

Use it as an opportunity to really catch up with all your other friends there while your DP & DSD just so happen to be there in the background, so to speak?

[buscaution]

The relevance of the student loans is, she cannot afford an expensive skiing holiday.

Student loans are repaid from salary though. Literally thousands of graduates will be paying off student loans for years to come. I don't think it's a case of she shouldn't be allowed to do anything until they are clear, otherwise no one would ever do anything.

Payday loans and credit cards I would understand your attitude, but student loans? Entirely different thing.

[AlmaGeddon]

The change in dynamic seems to be the change in you relationship with DH so he is really the issue and the fact she will dominate his attention. But didn't you say there will be 12 of you? Surely you can chat and spend time with the others and leave DH and DSD to get on with themselves.
I don't think you can cancel without looking a miserable cow - is your money shared equally between you or does some of yours dung DCs. Perhaps your money can fund you alone an extra weekend away with friends?

[Quartz2208]

Student loans are not like that they are simply taken out of tax once she reaches certain salary. Everyone who goes to uni will have them

You are sounding v bitter about their relationship

[catsmother]

Was it really that she had 'no-one to ski with' or actually, that she had 'no-one who'd pay for the trip?'

If she's paying for herself and literally just wants the company then I take the remark above back and apologise. However, it remains a little odd that she'd choose to go with a large group of older people, most of whom she doesn't know. Of course, age doesn't have to be an absolute barrier to conviviality but it often is and I can't help thinking there's an ulterior motive here. So yes, OP, YANBU and I'd feel very unhappy with your DH for inviting her despite your reservations … regardless of how well you get on with adult children there's a particular dynamic which differs to the one you display with friends. There just is. I'd feel unable to be as relaxed or as uncensored (in what I say or how I behave) with my friends as I usually was if I had also been pressganged into assuming a 'parent' persona at the same time. It's hard to explain but we all to a greater or lesser degree present different versions of ourselves depending on the company we're in and the person I am with friends isn't necessarily the person I'd want my kids to see. Whatever … personally, in the same situation, I wouldn't be able to chill out and enjoy the trip properly.

And you know, being asked for an opinion, even when he's damn well going to go ahead and do whatever he likes anyway is horribly rude and dismissive as well as selfish and ultimately pointless.

[easternedge]

I don't really see why it makes a massive difference and many of your comments send of alarm bells ...

25 year old joined a group of over 45s, with whom she had little in common, as a friend and then was fawned over by a 51 year old married man!

This one in particular. He's her dad. He's not fawning over her he's being a dad. The marriage comment is very strange.

I'm sure you will still be witty and lively with her there.

My suggestion is to get over yourself.

[CountessVonBoobs]

25 year old joined a group of over 45s, with whom she had little in common, as a friend and then was fawned over by a 51 year old married man!

Yeah, this comment is deeply, deeply weird. It positions your DH's daughter as your sexual competition. Evidently, on some level, that's how you feel. And you seem to think it'll make your friends uncomfortable to watch a father be warm and affectionate towards his daughter. Why would it?

I do get that it's now not the trip you wanted, but I had friends in their mid 40s when I was in my mid 20s and we managed to get along. I presume you haven't vetted the other tagalongs on previous holidays to see if they have "enough in common" for the group.

I think your options are suck it up and go anyway, or pull out, but if it's been done to invite extras before, the group have OKed it and so has your DH, and you can't say anything worse about your DSD than that she's a typical 20something, you don't really have grounds to try and stop her coming.

[swingofthings]

My DH goes on boys holidays and done so for years. Now all in their 50s and almost every year one will bring alone one of their adult kid. It's never been a problem with any of them.

I'm in my late 40s but find I can get along as well with people in their 20s then 70s. The age issue would only be in the evenings anyway.

It dies sound like it's a personal issue as you don't like her. Your oh should have mentioned it to you of course but then what would you have said? No I don't want her to come and then what? He has to agree to your demand even though he and the rest of the group are happy for her to join?

[Nettletheelf]

Good grief! At no point did I suggest that my husband had a sexual interest in his daughter. I made it clear in the original post: when his kids are there he focuses on them and behaves differently around me, as if he needs to show them that he doesn’t like me more than them.

Before anybody jumps in with another ‘poisoned apple’ comment, I don’t expect my DH to make me his sole focus all the time. However it does become tiresome when all the conversation has to be focused on DSD and I’m just in the background, feeling a bit humiliated frankly when we’re in company, because I barely get a look in. I know that this isn’t unusual amongst step parents.

It also isn’t unusual to find certain qualities in younger people, whether they are your own children or your step children, irritating, so enough with the ‘you don’t like her’, please. She is my DSD and I love her. However, I like my own time with my DH and our old (literally, compared to DSD!) friends and I’m annoyed that that is being compromised.

And yes, I have no doubt that she is at least hoping that we’ll cover some expenses.

[swingofthings]

I can understand how you feel but this is difficult because it's not it is a hiday with just the two of you it is a group holiday.

She'll have to adapt to the group dynamic and indeed quickly lean that nobody is interested in her only. She'll son get the message!

[MeridianB]

I hear you, OP.

It's something you look forward to with DH and friends, and now has been changed. I would feel the same.

Many, many step parents cope with the complex 'blended family' issues and pressures by compartmentalising or disengaging to some extent, so I get how this may feel like an 'invasion' of some kind (my word, not yours).

Not sure how far off the trip is but I'd probably go, immerse myself in the slopes and the friends and let DH and DSD do whatever they want.

It says a lot that none of your friends know that would not want DSD to come on the trip - you have clearly been a loyal wife and SM not to share that or let it show.

[Magda72]

Tbh what would bother me most about this is the fact that your dh has totally disregarded your feelings & the potential effect of changing the group dynamic & for those reasons I'd be furious with him.
My ds (21) still sometimes does family holidays with me & his siblings & I/we love having him along. However, there is no way I would bring him on a group holiday with me & my friends and nor would he want it.
I don't think it's weird your dh wants to holiday with her, but I think it's very weird he wants to do it in this context. I think it's remarkably selfish of him & shows a total disregard for everyone else.
I too would think the dynamic will change & you could find yourself holidaying with everyone else's kids also in the coming years!!!
I think you can go & just spend time with your friends & leave the two of them to it, or you can cancel & do your own thing.

[swingofthings]

To be fair Magda, that is often the dynamics of groups that evolve. I just remembered that a couple of friends of mine used to leave their kids with the grandparents anfmd go away for a week together but now that the kids are older teenagers, they joined in with their boyfriend/girlfriend and everyone gets along great.

In the end there are only three options. Everyone is happy with it and OP needs to accept it. OP demands she doesn't come and he accepts he takes his DD skiing on his own or the girl doesn't get to go skiing with her dad. In all three scenari, one ends up upset.

[ShalomJackie]

I suspect she is coming because he has said he will pay for her to go with you!

[WhiteCat1704]

I would be seriously angry about it.
If he wants to holiday with his daughter he should go with her separately not impose her on you and disregard your feelings completely. It's simply not acceptable.

I would tell him so.

It annoys me when my own teenage SD invites herself in when we have friends over-just friends with no kids who come for dinner/drink/chat, DS in bed and if SD is in she would come in, make herself comfortably and try to be part of conversation...I was tempted on few occasions to invite myself in when she has her friends over to teach her a lesson but decided against it in the end;)..there is no way I would accept her inviting herself on holiday with my long standing friends..just no..
On the other hand she is more than welcome on family days out and family holidays.

Your DH sounds like a disney dad who doesn't respect you.

[Handsfull13]

I would be royally pissed off.
He was good and asked you first but then to completely ignore what you said and do what he wanted is shit.

I would be making it clear that you are not going to be paying for her so how is she planning on paying for it all. Hopefully when she realises that she is expected to pay her way she'll drop out.

I'm 26 and I wouldn't dream of interrupting my parents going away. I can be polite and have dinner among their friends and hold conversation but I couldn't do it for more then one night and frankly wouldn't want to.

[HeckyPeck]

Your husband sounds really selfish. Why bother asking your opinion when he was just going to do what he wanted to anyway?

I also think it’s really rude to invite your kid to a longstanding group holiday. People are generally too polite to say no.

However it does become tiresome when all the conversation has to be focused on DSD and I’m just in the background, feeling a bit humiliated frankly when we’re in company, because I barely get a look in.

I think I would cancel. I wouldn’t want to spend my holiday that I’ve been looking forward to being ignored by my husband. I might make up an excuse to friends/DSD but I’d let my DH know the truth.

I would guess that the people that say they wouldn’t mind it don’t have husbands that treat them like second class citizens when their kids are around.

[sofato5miles]

I am baffled at some of these responses. We holiday with friends alot and I love their children. On one activity holiday the older teenagers come and it is a real laugh.

The issue here is your relationship with your SD and the jealousy you have around her and her relationship with her farher/ your husband.

[Jlynhope]

My dad dumped me for whatever woman he was with at the time so I quite love the idea that your husband is such an attentive father. I don't know if your husband really ignores you when they are around, or if you just need a lot of attention, but it is a group trip so presumably you go to spend time with other people as well.

The fact your dsd wants to go with you all is lovely in my opinion and I don't see how her being 25 is such a big deal.

[HeckyPeck]

On one activity holiday the older teenagers come and it is a real laugh.

That’s nice, but OP won’t have a laugh because her DH ignores her when her DSD is around.

[troodiedoo]

Kids will always want to go on holiday with parents as long as parents are footing the bill. Is she making any contribution?

He is never going to tell her she can't come though. It would cause a huge rift in their relationship.

I think your only option is to bow out yourself. Which will unfortunately cause a rift in your relationship. Going forward, you need to sort it out.

[Nettletheelf]

Aha! So now I’m jealous of DSD and my DH is perfectly justified in focusing all his attention on DSD. Because otherwise he’d be ‘dumping [her] for whatever woman he was with at the time’ (his wife of eleven years, in case you missed that in my OP).

Really, why come onto this thread to stepmother bash, particularly when you’re applying your own resentment about your experience as a stepchild to a different situation?

[Nettletheelf]

DH claims that she is paying for herself, but I think that he’s offered to pay for most of it.

[ContessasGulagSpaDay]

Op, it's done now. I'd accept it and try not to let it Spoil your holiday. Do not change your behaviour around your friends when she's there - chat to them and spend time with them, and let your DH fuss over his DD if he wants to.

[ContessasGulagSpaDay]

Basically treat it as your trip with your friends, as if he's not around!