Adult stepdaughter coming on holiday with us

[Nettletheelf]

I have two DSC: a DSS aged 23 and a DSD aged 25. I’ve been married to their dad for 11 years. We don’t have our own children, sadly. DH had been divorced for 5 years when we met.

It wasn’t easy, taking on a teenager and an almost teenager, but I worked at it and we have a good relationship now. DH never really supported me when they behaved badly, and that has been the single biggest cause of arguments in our marriage: he thinks that I should love his children as much as he does and should put my own needs, and the needs of my family, second. Having said that, we are happily married.

Every year, DH and I go skiing with a group of old friends. Ages range from mid forties to sixties.

DSD and DSS can ski: DH and I took them skiing the first year we were married as a treat, and that was when they learned. Since then DSD found a boyfriend at university who was keen on skiing and joined the university ski club etc. She couldn’t afford to go skiing every year but she did it anyway. That, combined with a long degree, means that she’s got some pretty hefty student loans.

Anyway DSD is now in her first job and told DH unprompted that she didn’t have anybody to ski with this year and really wanted to go. I suspect that she was angling to be asked on our trip, and DH did so.

DH asked me, very tentatively, how I’d feel about DSD joining the trip. I said that I’d prefer it if she didn’t. It’s an established group of people our age (I’m 46) with whom DH and I can let our hair down. Having DSD there will change the dynamic: we won’t be able to talk about the same things because she doesn’t have the same cultural reference points, and DH will act differently. I know that he’ll steer the conversation onto ‘my daughter and topics my daughter is interested in’ and I’ll be relegated to the back seat, as I often am when DSD and DSS are present (I am considered witty and lively so I’m not somebody who just sits there waiting to be ‘drawn out’).

The other thing is, DSD, being young, has a tendency to talk about herself all the time and to virtue signal. I usually let it go, we were all young and un-self aware once, but a week of it in a ski chalet whilst DH gazes at her in adoration and forgets that I’m there? No thanks.

DSD knows some of the other members of the group slightly, but only slightly.

Despite my telling DH that I’d prefer if DSD didn’t come, he invited her anyway and she’s definitely coming. I am annoyed. Should I be?

(Sorry if long, didn’t want to drip feed)

[HeckyPeck]

It’s hard on step children, and doesn’t feel any different when hi grow up.

Hard in DH, too, if he had to choose because you are a step mother.

Why would the DH and DSD’s wants trump the fact that everyone else going on the holiday doesn’t want the DH to bring his kid?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I’d find an attractive, funny male friend to take as your companion!

I understand, although tbh for a one off holiday I’d probably let it go. But I’d be clear to your DH, look I know you love us both, and it’s ideal for you to have your DD there and me plus your friends, but the reality is you can’t combine all of us. It might be better if you and DD have a separate ski holiday? If not, can we have at least a few evenings/holiday where you and I and friends can enjoy ourselves?

She’s probably not going to come again. It might be okay?!

[acivilcontract]

There is a conflict between a family holiday and a friends holiday and your DH does seem to be trying to merge the two. It is lovely that he wants to go on holiday with his dd and vice versa, I hope my dd and DH have that kind of relationship when they are that age. However the issue of the change in dynamics doesn't seem to have been thought through.
On a side note OP your stated love for your sdd does seem a touch overwhelmed by small irritations about her and an element of competition with her for your DH affections.

[swingofthings]

Now that's done, just try to be positive. After all, maybe it's the chance to enjoy more of your friends time without worrying you are neglecting your OP. And who knows maybe it will be the occasion you'll realise your SD can be quite fun and she the same. Hey, maybe next years you'll want her to join and not that bothered if your OH stayed home. Life is full of surprises!

[sofato5miles]

Your canvassing your friends' support against your husband's daughter is off. I think you are bringing trouble to the boil.

[timeisnotaline]

I don’t think that DH would put me in this position again.
I hope he means that, as words and apologies are cheap once bookings have been finalised. But in your discussion did he say he wouldn’t marginalise and ignore you while his daughter was around? Or just that he will but he now gets this is not an occasion to marginalise and ignore you? I would put it back on him very clearly that the family dynamic is his fault for not making it clear that you are included and important. He set up this situation where you don’t want everything to have his daughter in it and will have to go to things without her whether she wants to come or not because he doesn’t seem able to be a partner and a father at the same time.

[Nettletheelf]

Thanks for the responses. Yes, I’ve asked him to commit to not focusing exclusively on his daughter and remembering that other people (not just me) are on the holiday too.

For the poster who still wants me to be a villain (really, are disaffected stepdaughters who resent their stepmothers following this board for opportunities to stick the boot into strangers?) I’m not “canvassing my friends’ support against my DSD”. I confided in one friend, after she read the email telling her that DSD was coming on the trip and contacted me. She and her DH were surprised that DSD had been invited and when she found out that I wasn’t happy, her DH wanted to contact my DH immediately, even though I didn’t ask them to. Out of affection and regard for their friend, me, with whom they have enjoyed many fun holidays, and because they liked our ski trips just as they were. I don’t think that’s hard to understand.

[Nettletheelf]

Also, for the third time, you can love somebody and also find their company irritating. As Hecky Peck noted, would you bring your mother on holiday with you and your group of friends? Thought not.

[MaisyPops]

you can love somebody and also find their company irritating. AsHecky Pecknoted, would you bring your mother on holiday with you and your group of friends?
Everyone knows this really OP.
It's just sometimes on MN step mums can't win. You must treat your stepchild exactly as you would your own child (e.g. you should pay private school fees for them out of your salary and remortgage your house bought independent of DP, even if the only reason your children have private education is because your ex pays their fees), unless it doesn't go in the child's favour/their mum wants to complain in which case then you should know your place because the child has a mother already.

Most of us know fine well that a child joining their parent's friend holiday would change the dynamic just like a parent joining a girls holiday with their child's friends would change things.

[SandyY2K]

I understand the change in dynamics. A friend decided to bring her DD18 on a ladies night out once...without telling is in advance .
She decided as she's an adult she can join in. I was pissed off with her. Had I known I would have backed out.

We all censored our conversation. I wasn't impressed.

All that said..as pp have mentioned student loans are a non issue. You can't stop living and enjoying because you have a SL.

Her dad financially assisting her to go on holiday is fine...just not on holiday with your group. I totally get that.

You mentioned a 50 year old MM fawning over her... did you mean another member of the group or your OH?

[Nettletheelf]

Thanks.

No, you don’t have to stop living and enjoying yourself when you have a student loan, any more than you should when you have a mortgage. However, in addition to her SL she has other loans and overdrafts and regularly comes to us asking to ‘borrow’ money (on one occasion, she wanted £500 for Christmas presents because she’d overspent when travelling) because her SL and loan repayments mean that she hasn’t got as much spending money as she wants. All of these loans were taken out when she was a student: she’s only started working this year.

Yes, the married man in question in the comparison I made would be my husband. I think some of the more excitable posters deadlier in the thread should look up the definition of ‘to fawn over’, which means ‘to pay excessive attention to [somebody]’. In case it was unclear I’ll explain the comparison again:

Some posters said that 25 was an adult age and that DSD should be able to join the trip because an unconnected 25 year old adult should be able to join a group of other adults as a friend. Maybe (although at 25 I wouldn’t have been the only twenty something in a friendship group of 12 people ranging from 45 to 62!), but the point is that my DH behaves differently when DSD is around. So even if she had been an unconnected person, ie just a friend, the problem would be the same if DH behaved in the same way, paying excessive attention to the 25 year old at the expense of his wife and other friends.

[Nettletheelf]

EARLIER in the thread, not DEADLIER!

[stolemyusername]

I get you OP, I wouldn't want to take any child (step/adult/anything) on an friends holiday. It would completely change the dynamic.

[SandyY2K]

Some posters said that 25 was an adult age and that DSD should be able to join the trip because an unconnected 25 year old adult should be able to join a group of other adults as a friend

I don't agree with this view from others. 25 is indeed an adult, but joining the holiday with her dad/stepmum and their friends will unquestionably change the dynamics.

An unconnected 25 year old would be different.

For example.. sometimes couples may talk about their physical relationship or little niggles (nit a moaning session) they have with their spouse as part of the group .. even if it's to get views on the issue.

You wouldn't feel able to do this with your DD/DSD around even if she is an adult.

I wouldn't have gone away with what I saw as old foggies when I was 25 either ... although now I am that age (45+) i don't see myself as old at all. ☺

Maybe she is coming more for the skiing than the company... and dad helping pay is a bonus. She may take herself away shopping/sightseeing or making friends with some other people.

I would say though...that it says a lot (in a positive way) about their father/daughter relationship, that she wants to go away with her dad (you) and friends.

Having asked you and ignoring your views would have annoyed me to. Why ask if your opinion meant nothing to him.

Youngsters starting out in work are known to get help from the bank of mum and dad. That's not a surprise ... I think when it's your stepchild rather than your child, you will feel differently.

I've been married and older than you SD and asked my dad for money in the past ... I imagine if I had a stepmum she could have been annoyed with that. Whereas my mum didn't have an issue and was happy they were in a position to help me out.

[easternedge]

You sound like really hard work. I feel for your husband. Enjoy your holiday.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

That’s harsh @eastern

[easternedge]

I don't think so. Such a smug OP.

Yes, the married man in question in the comparison I made would be my husband. I think some of the more excitable posters deadlier in the thread should look up the definition of ‘to fawn over’, which means ‘to pay excessive attention to [somebody]’

Denotation v connotation.

I can understand being annoyed at the change of dynamic but there's something so annoying and uncomfortable about the op's attitude toward her sd. I feel that the op is very irritated by her sd when she sounds pretty irritating herself. Of course her husband will be attentive to his daughter? Hardly rocket science.

[WhiteCat1704]

Of course her husband will be attentive to his daughter? Hardly rocket science.

Actually it's not so obvious..As it seems he can only be "attentive" to one at a time and in this case he will ignore his wife when the daughter is there..This is not something I would normalize..

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I don’t know, I’m not sure I see that? Although of course none of us really knows. OP has said they happily went away on a ski holiday with her DSD which is how she learnt to ski first time, and has said that she loves her.

Personally I would have been irritated but just gone and enjoyed the company of everyone. However I do think that there’s at least an element of ignoring the OPs marriage and peer group dynamics by DSD and her DH. If there was a father daughter event and OP just decided to come along I think her DSD would be annoyed surely?

I’ve also used the word ‘fawn over’ to describe both my DP about his daughters, my DSCs about our son, and ILs about my son. I know it really pissed off DP. Looking back I realise I’ve used it to express my upset when others were ignored. Usually me and my older son! I think it can happen a lot.

[easternedge]

Yes. For some reason I think this has hit a nerve and perhaps AIBU (I'm not even a stepdaughter) the thread just made me feel really sad for the young woman. Honestly can't really pinpoint why.

[ContessasGulagSpaDay]

Maybe because she might be a bit lonely, to be asking to go on holiday with her dad and stepmum rather than seeing her own friends? Maybe she doesn't have many friends of her own.

[Piddly2]

From the age range mentioned I think the OP is one if the younger ones in the group. Probably gets a bit more attention and enjoys it. I suspect she doesn't welcome the competition, but that's a huge Pandora's box.

[timeisnotaline]

Of course her husband will be attentive to his daughter? Hardly rocket science.
Not true at all. We are already teaching our 3yo that daddy & mummy are talking so you need to wait, or there are 4 people sitting at the table and they should all get a chance to say something.

[NorthernSpirit]

@Piddly2 - with all respect, get a grip. What utter rubbish. Adults can have friends and go on holiday without wanting to sh@g someone in the group.

I’m a DSM. I ski. I’m in my 40’s. I wouldn’t want my step children going on my adult only trip as it’s a friends trip and the dynamic would change. It wouldn’t be fair on the rest of the group.

God forbid... adults have their own lives and interests and can do things without kids hanging on. Children don’t come first (especially 25 year old ones), everyone is equal IMO.

Totally understand where the OP is coming from.

I go in a ski trip with my friends every year and my OH wouldn’t dream of coming. It’s a friends trip and he doesn’t want to muscle in and change the dynamic. It’s ok for adults to have their owns lives and do things without their OH, kids, step kids.

[sofato5miles]

easternedge

Yes. For some reason I think this has hit a nerve and perhaps AIBU (I'm not even a stepdaughter) the thread just made me feel really sad for the young woman. Honestly can't really pinpoint why

I agree. It all seems so ego driven.